Lotus, thank you for your insight. I can't change the past and I'm focusing on being the BBD right now. It is hard for me to let go, but I'm doing it as a 180 and trusting. It's a leap of faith for me, and sometimes I think that leap of faith may be what does it for some of us... I'm praying it will for me.
H got home at 2:30 this morning. Bars close at 2, and it was his karate night so I believe he was out with the friend MIL and I went to see who said he will NOT support ANY infidelity. I hope that was the case, he did ask for his phone number before leaving.
WARNING - more sex talk: He came home and played the "game" with me. (tell me if this jives with what he said to me yesterday that whenever we ML in the past, he put his head someplace else and pretended it was OK - that he couldn't bear to ML to me for years and only did it because of me... yet usually I was dead asleep when he initiated it.) Anyway, the "game" is where he takes my hand and puts it on himself and waits to see if I wake up and am in the mood. Don't know how it started, but he thought it was fun... weird, I know, but I'm always up for ML, I'm high drive and he wasn't (which he now says was lack of attraction for me, but I always thought it was the extra 40 pound he carried and the extra 70 I had...)
Anyway, last night he played the game with me, I touched him but was NOT about to initiate ML with him. I didn't in any way want to be accused of doing anything untoward again... but then he lay next to me, touching me all night AND after the alarm clock went off this morning, his whole body touched mine. Not holding me, but very close, and he was aware of it. The clock went off, he moved to hit snooze and then back to being next to me...
Maybe not anything, I'm not getting excited, but maybe subconsciously the "can't touch my wife or I'm cheating on OW" thing is starting to disappear?
