5 weeks left to DB - need help with my plan

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G & Allen, thanks very very much for stopping by.

Allen-

OK, I am going to assume OW isnt' married here.

OW not married. 10yrs younger than me. Says he was infatuated with her a long time before PA started. PA started 2-3 weeks after I left Europe (I had to return 3months ahead for work reasons. I was 8 weeks pregnant). OW has strong history of chosing 'impossible' men, or men who are going to leave her.

It sounds like he has to give up a LOT to move to Europe (friends and family?), not just you if I am right?

Not really. He's European. Has great friends there, plus his family. If he leaves here however, he will be leaving me, his baby, and equivalent friends and family on my side whom he was close to. We always said if it didn't work out here, we'd go back to Europe. I think it hit him at the end that he didn't want to leave Europe one more time. He just didn't hear himself/couldn't express it.

His claims are all over the map. I would focus more on what he's DONE.
Has he put any money away for child support?
Has he tried to educate himself at all about parenting?
Has he done any work to support you through pregnancy?

Official child support as such - NO. But he's unemployed right now, so he can't do anything for the moment. Has said adamantly "Know I will support our child financially for the rest of my life". I believe him.

Parenting education - Not a thing. Attended one birth class at my request for my sake.

Hasn't supported me in any way during the pregancy (except long-distance emotional support on the phone when we were separated and I waited 3 months for his return here). Since he arrived in the country, virtually nothing. He's been in hiding. Doesn't want to give me hope for our M, perhaps?

He hasn't moved there with her yet.. why not?

After he dropped the bomb on arrival at Xmas, I said many times early in the piece "if you love her so much, why are you here? Go back to her and test your love if it's so real and important to you". He refused. I think because of the baby (he's well aware all eyes are on him to repeat what his father did to him, and doesn't want the associated guilt. But seems to have no plan - articulated anyway - beyond that).
Also she is sort of a distant cousin, a close family friend. I think he'd have to wait a time for their affair to become socially acceptable. It's possible she'll come out here for a time- I just don't know.

I think at this point a hard and fast pressure on him AND you finding a support team to REPLACE him so he isn't needed is a good hit to him.

Done. I have my parents and have hired a midwife. I am lucky I have support.
How do I put pressure on him?

He seems to get a fix from feeling needed and a provider here.. eh wants to be that providing father.. so, I say have a good friend offer to do all teh work and just tell him you don't need him.

Yes, I think he wants to feel noble in some way that he hasn't abandoned us. Even if he has. He knows my mum and midwife are replacing him. Doesn't seem bothered?!
It's so shocking to me. He's an ALIEN!

I don't know what the laws are in your area, but you may want to find otu what the rules are surroundign child support and visitation so you know how FAR you CAN push..

He only has to pay child support if he finds employment. visitiation is based on the baby and mothers needs. I have seen a lawyer about it. basically he has to fit in with me. I haven't told him any of this. Nor about the L.

If you think he IS sincere about being a parent and you can use that as leverage then take it away until he plays ball.

I think he's sincere in that unconsciously/consciously he is driven to not repeat what his Dad did. And he DID want this child.

Ok, but what do we define as 'playing ball' here?

I agree with everything you said about shaming him on the father point - it's clearly his biggest point of suffering (dating back to childhood- been running from it all his life).

But just this minute I got an email from him which said he would agree to talk to a counselor about effective parenting. It would be a solo thing.

Do I now tell him I don't want him to do that??