Thank you Pearl. I took your advice...I have been reading so much about EA/PA that I felt like everything that came out of my H mouth was so cookie cutter. Even though I believe that to be the case..it isn't necessary to convince my H of that. His feelings are his reality right now.
I got an email from my H this afternoon saying that the OW is gone from his office. He said he didn't know that yesterday was her last day. I don't know if I believe that or not but I have no other option but to believe it...and really..it isn't important right now.
We had MC tonight. I have to say that it went very well. We talked about a lot of things but one thing that she focused on was all the construction that we had going on at my house the past few years. My brothers are contractors and have been doing the work for us. This caused an extraordinary amount of stress for a number of reasons. 1) they didn't show up when they said they would 2) we never fell within budget 3) nothing was ever done on time.
My H and I would argue about this constantly. I was put in a tough position. My H didn't feel comfortable expressing his feelings to my brothers and he expected me to be his voice. I didn't want to rock the boat with my family..they were doing us a favor so I felt like it wasn't right to complain. There came a point when I did start to complain to my brothers...but even that didnt help. This caused a lot of resentment in my H...which I knew- I always felt the anger radiating off of him.
MC said that my H felt completely out of control of the situation and he is a man that always was in control (alpha dog). He turned to the secretary because this was a situatiion he could control. MC asked if I agreed that this was a probably cause to my H affair. I told her that this is probably one of the many reasons for his A... but I don't think this is the sole reason.
We spoke about a number of other things. MC was impressed that me and my H weren't cursing and yelling at eachother. She can tell that we care a lot about eachother. MC also said that she would like me to explore my feelings a little more. My H acts out..she was wondering where my feelings were in all of this.
H and I got a bite to eat afterwards. He asked me if I have explored my feelings. I told him that I was working on it. He said that he thinks I need to..that the MC is right. He also said that the MC was right about the construction issues. He felt completely out of control..he was the man of the house and had no say in what was going on and couldn't speak his mind. My H is a therapist skeptic and thought the MC was right on with all of the things that she was saying. He is interested in going back.
Ironically..I am not sure how I feel. I still need to explore my feelings. I have been so worried about his feelings and what he was thinking..I really need to start giving things a lot of thought..and think about what is best for me.
H walked me to the car..he was very affectionate all night..opening doors..sharing food..pouring wine..looking in my eyes..making all the conversation. He hugged me..I kissed him on the cheek and pulled away. I am so not ready for anything..a kiss even seemed too much right now.
I asked the MC about the lack of connection I feel..she told me that I should feel what I feel..but that it is to be expected to feel this way. She said I am afraid of being hurt so I am standing far back. My H is afraid of screwing up again..so he is afraid to get too close. MC said she felt good about where we are coming into this..Time will tell.
It is so strange that one day all of this feels so hopeless..and the next...it seems like everything will be OK. I am not too optimistic though. My H has some deep rooted issues...and perhaps I do too. We cannot go back to playing house any time soon. I did feel love for him tonight...and I felt love in return. I guess that is a start.
