Seriously, you said some stuff that hurt, but you didn't do anything THAT horrible to be honest.
There was the one crude remark, but for the most part you DID try to soften her nerves. YOu didn't do a good JOB, but you tried and I would LIKE to think that is something NEW.
If you want to email me the letter, or post it here for out input feel free.
No problem. I think you can post your letter to your wife here, others may have some input.
If we can't come up with a letter that's really going to knock her socks off then we can just not send one. I am still not certain about this. MWD says not to send letters, but I think she means LOVE letters.
Well here it is. I just started to type so we can take away or add to it. Thanks for all the input.
========================================================= The day you told me that you were no longer in love with me and wanted our marriage to end it had to be the worst day in my life right beside the passing of my Grandfather. I felt angry, upset, hurt, afraid and lost. You were all that I had ever known and the reality of living a life without you terrified me.
During the first week or so I did not know how to handle the news. I then thought about how I made someone who loved me so much turn on me. I replayed the past 10 years in my head over and over. All that had happened and everything ate away at me. For weeks I had lost my appetite and my will to do anything and felt like I could not go on another day. I had let you and everyone I care for down. I hurt the person that meant so much to me and I could not justify any of my actions or words. I realized I needed help and I had to make a positive change in my life, not just for my mental and physical well being but for the better of our marriage.
At first I was afraid and embarrassed. To first admit I had a problem and then come to terms with all that I did wrong. I did not know how to go about getting help. I asked my lieutenant at work "do we have access to some sort of counseling?" and I was given a booklet with a number to call. I called and explained to a complete stranger what a terrible person I was. We began to dissect my mind and get to the source of my issues. With multiple sessions I came out with a new understanding and positivity. This made me want to get more help.
I started to call therapist after therapist getting advice from each. Sometimes they would counsel me over the phone or I would go into their office. This is were I was told by one therapist that "you can never be a better person if you do not ever forgive yourself." That was the most difficult part in this entire process, how could I forgive myself when I destroyed the person I love and our marriage? but I was told it was key to the process. I was then told "in addition to forgiving yourself you also need to allow the Lord to enter your life and pray for his forgiveness." I initially thought and actually said "How could I ask for forgiveness of someone I don't believe in or have faith in" and I was told "it is all part of the process." I asked "How do I start this process? what do I need to do?" the therapist handed me a book and told me to read it, even if I did not do what the book said at least read it and I would have a better understanding why and how God worked for the better of relationships and mankind in genral. The book is called the "Love Dare." It was here I learned what true love is. The way god intended love to be. I cried. I cried for many reasons. I now knew that I had such an unhealthy outlook on life. I also found how much I truly do love you. Love so unconditional.
I committed myself to God and acknowledged him as my savior and prayed for his forgiveness. I had done this some time ago but did not reveal this to you because I thought you would take it negatively.
Continuing my therapy I was referred to seek additional advice from online support groups on family therapy websites. This is therapy, its private. It is nothing at all destructive to our marriage or you, its work to improve myself and my contributions here. I spoke with many licensed professionals and their goal is to help me make a better contribution to our marriage and our lives - I felt like I was doing that.
What I said today, that comment, is not a reflection of who I am or how far I have come to being a better person but my hurt, that got the best of me and I said a foul thing, something that had haunted me since it all began. I never assumed but I did question.
My work and road to improvement isn't a front, its me following professional advice under the guidance of god. Feel free to let me know if you approve at all of what I've been doing, if so, thank these therapist and God but If you can honestly say or think that I am the same person I was 3 months ago and have made no positive changes then please let me know, I will pray more and employ new ways to better myself. =================================================
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
I wouldn't send this message. There's a reason why they say in DR to not talk about the R. It sounds like more self-flagellation. There are only so many times you can say "sorry".
You've said it countless times and it doesn't excuse her for what she did. Trust me. I did the same thing and it got me no where. Maybe you should just let things settle down a bit.
You're trying to move things along according to your time table. This has to be at her pace. It sucks, but she has to be the one to make the moves, not you.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
My question is now...where do I go from here? Keep on as if today did not happen and continue to do what I was doing or do I back off and let her do her thing while I do mine and see if she comes around?
If I would have just kept my mouth shut rather than trying to calm her than we would had a pretty good day otherwise.
Last night we slept in same bed, I am debating if I should even try to lay there tonight...
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
I think if her needing your religious commitment is important, its important that she beleive its sincere. I think your letter does make it sound as if this is rather sudden.
I think a better way to express belief in God to her right now is
I am working twoards believing in this... I want to be sincere, this is something I struggle with still. I am told it can take time for people to work to the point where they have faith in something they didn't before. I hoenstly don't think I CAN make that happen overnight.. it's been months but something is in me now since I started doing the changes I did. I didn't even WANT to do them at first I was so confused. I did them anyways. Now I actually ENJOY doing them. I really need you to believe that.
You need to belive you are worth the effort, which you are.
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Something aiming at that ... don't make it sound like a light bulb hit you, she's not going to buy that... be honest and tell her you are working at it, and something is in you now that you don't quite understand, but you are happy its there and want to share it with her.
