You have been giving me great advice on my thread and I appreciate it very much. IMO maybe you should step back and try to look at your sitch like you look at mine. You are trying to "drive the devil" out of your wife, so to speak. Trying to win her back by telling her this isn't what God wants. You know and I know it's not what God wants. Your W knows it too but doesn't want to admit it right now. She is spending her time telling herself this is what He wants.
Maybe it's time to leave her alone and think that you are not going to be there for her. For the kids, yes, not for her.
You are a lot further along in this than I am, but I can see myself following along. It would tear me apart to seperate and I still love my W but how much longer can this go on? She still won't accept resonsibility for anything, it's all my fault. Your W is convinced this is what God wants and doesn't sound like she has owned up to anything, either.
Time to leave her alone and only communicate about the kids. Just my opinion. We keep reading the only thing that gets through is when they think they will lose us and they can't keep us just hanging on forever. I know I'm not fully detached either but I think it's time for both of us.
You are still in my prayers. Stay strong.
Thanks IDU. I've tried that too, to no avail. It brought her back in to where we could have a discussion about possible reconciliation, but she nixed that the very next night, as you recall.
Her church at this point is the "smart bomb". If it doesn't help and she distances herself from it or even leaves it entirely, I'll know that she is a lost cause.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
Just take this for my opinion, which is what it is....
You say you "used to rebut everything". Is it possible your wife sees that you still do?
Yes, she'd likely say that. Even though I've gotten a lot better at letting things go.
If she says something that I know is not true or makes assumptions that are wrong, I still rebut her.
If she is telling me feelings, I let it go. I'm sure there are times when I slip up, but Retrouvaille was great at helping me recognize feelings and the fact that we can't help what we feel.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
rebut nothing. Seriously, why would you rebut anything she says at this point, unless she's claiming you worship satan? If she says you are a purple leopard and that bothers you, say you are sorry she sees you that way and DROP IT....
you DO rebut her and you DO argue and pursue and use God to guilt her into seeing the truth (which we all understand!!) but you must instead do true detachment which, on occasion you have done/ so go back to detaching...it'll ease your mind and rest your heart some, so you don't feel you "have to file now"....
Why do you feel that way anyhow? Is it b/c you thought baptism was "the way" and instead of truly detaching, you were very attached to the results of HER religious experience? Remember, you do your best and leave the results up to the Big Guy upstairs.That's detachment.
Don't count on the pastor making a bit of diff if you are hovering around "just curious" about how it goes, b/c she KNOWS you are forming alliances, and she feels cornered. You are in her sand box and don't have to be, and should not be. Get out of it. It's hers. Stay in your own sand box working on your life. Right or wrong she does feel that way. So Back off! You know this Pigskin...
Back off big time. Let her solve this puzzle herself. IF the time comes that you cannot tolerate limbo anymore, then you will have your answer and you won't need to ask her anything. This is now about YOUR time line....not hers. Make sense? j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Keep out of her "circle of friends" right now and do NOT rebut her. Saying "I'm sorry you feel that way" is acknowledgement of her feelings without rebuttal.
NO rebuttals, even if she's dead wrong on something.
rebut nothing. Seriously, why would you rebut anything she says at this point, unless she's claiming you worship satan? If she says you are a purple leopard and that bothers you, say you are sorry she sees you that way and DROP IT....
you DO rebut her and you DO argue and pursue and use God to guilt her into seeing the truth (which we all understand!!) but you must instead do true detachment which, on occasion you have done/ so go back to detaching...it'll ease your mind and rest your heart some, so you don't feel you "have to file now"....
You're dead on, 25. I was thinking that I was going back to old mistakes myself. I am quite disappointed in myself for allowing that backslide.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Why do you feel that way anyhow? Is it b/c you thought baptism was "the way" and instead of truly detaching, you were very attached to the results of HER religious experience? Remember, you do your best and leave the results up to the Big Guy upstairs.That's detachment.
Don't count on the pastor making a bit of diff if you are hovering around "just curious" about how it goes, b/c she KNOWS you are forming alliances, and she feels cornered. You are in her sand box and don't have to be, and should not be. Get out of it. It's hers. Stay in your own sand box working on your life. Right or wrong she does feel that way. So Back off! You know this Pigskin...
Back off big time. Let her solve this puzzle herself. IF the time comes that you cannot tolerate limbo anymore, then you will have your answer and you won't need to ask her anything. This is now about YOUR time line....not hers. Make sense? j-
Absolutely correct on all counts. Very stupid of me to put any hope in seeing an immediate about face in the wake of the baptism. I think it was a product of my weariness and not seeing any light at the end of the tunnel. I was grasping at anything to keep me holding on.
I should not be in her sandbox; I hope I haven't screwed up what was probably going to naturally happen with the leaders at her church anyway. I don't intend to stick my beak in anymore.
When I went to talk to the man who baptized her, I was at a point where I thought I'd had enough. I prayed about it and felt compelled to go talk to the guy; to get a third party opinion from someone who has talked independently with both of us. To ask him if he felt any hope that our situation could be saved. I got that from him. Hopefully not at the cost of ruining whatever else he can do to break through to her.
My W feels "violated", but she was the one who told me the guy wanted to meet me, and she was the one who introduced me to him. That's fine, she can't help what she feels. I will tell her that I understand her feelings and will not reach out to anyone at her church again. If they would like to speak with me in the future, I'm going to ask that she be present as well.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
My W feels "violated", but she was the one who told me the guy wanted to meet me, and she was the one who introduced me to him. That's fine, she can't help what she feels. I will tell her that I understand her feelings and will not reach out to anyone at her church again. If they would like to speak with me in the future, I'm going to ask that she be present as well.
If you haven't yet learned that she's a liar, what you wrote above is more proof of it.
My W feels "violated", but she was the one who told me the guy wanted to meet me, and she was the one who introduced me to him. That's fine, she can't help what she feels. I will tell her that I understand her feelings and will not reach out to anyone at her church again. If they would like to speak with me in the future, I'm going to ask that she be present as well.
If you haven't yet learned that she's a liar, what you wrote above is more proof of it.
I guess I'm confused. Are you saying you think she's lying about feeling "violated"?
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
