How to approach W about OM

[OfficerInNeed]

Well here it is. I just started to type so we can take away or add to it. Thanks for all the input.

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The day you told me that you were no longer in love with me and wanted our marriage to end it had to be the worst day in my life right beside the passing of my Grandfather. I felt angry, upset, hurt, afraid and lost. You were all that I had ever known and the reality of living a life without you terrified me.

During the first week or so I did not know how to handle the news. I then thought about how I made someone who loved me so much turn on me. I replayed the past 10 years in my head over and over. All that had happened and everything ate away at me. For weeks I had lost my appetite and my will to do anything and felt like I could not go on another day. I had let you and everyone I care for down. I hurt the person that meant so much to me and I could not justify any of my actions or words. I realized I needed help and I had to make a positive change in my life, not just for my mental and physical well being but for the better of our marriage.

At first I was afraid and embarrassed. To first admit I had a problem and then come to terms with all that I did wrong. I did not know how to go about getting help. I asked my lieutenant at work "do we have access to some sort of counseling?" and I was given a booklet with a number to call. I called and explained to a complete stranger what a terrible person I was. We began to dissect my mind and get to the source of my issues. With multiple sessions I came out with a new understanding and positivity. This made me want to get more help.

I started to call therapist after therapist getting advice from each. Sometimes they would counsel me over the phone or I would go into their office. This is were I was told by one therapist that "you can never be a better person if you do not ever forgive yourself." That was the most difficult part in this entire process, how could I forgive myself when I destroyed the person I love and our marriage? but I was told it was key to the process. I was then told "in addition to forgiving yourself you also need to allow the Lord to enter your life and pray for his forgiveness." I initially thought and actually said "How could I ask for forgiveness of someone I don't believe in or have faith in" and I was told "it is all part of the process." I asked "How do I start this process? what do I need to do?" the therapist handed me a book and told me to read it, even if I did not do what the book said at least read it and I would have a better understanding why and how God worked for the better of relationships and mankind in genral. The book is called the "Love Dare." It was here I learned what true love is. The way god intended love to be. I cried. I cried for many reasons. I now knew that I had such an unhealthy outlook on life. I also found how much I truly do love you. Love so unconditional.

I committed myself to God and acknowledged him as my savior and prayed for his forgiveness. I had done this some time ago but did not reveal this to you because I thought you would take it negatively.

Continuing my therapy I was referred to seek additional advice from online support groups on family therapy websites. This is therapy, its private. It is nothing at all destructive to our marriage or you, its work to improve myself and my contributions here. I spoke with many licensed professionals and their goal is to help me make a better contribution to our marriage and our lives - I felt like I was doing that.

What I said today, that comment, is not a reflection of who I am or how far I have come to being a better person but my hurt, that got the best of me and I said a foul thing, something that had haunted me since it all began. I never assumed but I did question.

My work and road to improvement isn't a front, its me following professional advice under the guidance of god. Feel free to let me know if you approve at all of what I've been doing, if so, thank these therapist and God but If you can honestly say or think that I am the same person I was 3 months ago and have made no positive changes then please let me know, I will pray more and employ new ways to better myself.
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