hello flowmom, I am so sorry to read your latest news - I knew in my heart that my MLC husband was having an affair last year - even when faced with fairly damning evidence he tried to lie to me and deny it (yes really).
We have been separated now for 6 months and I would like to share something which has kept me sane. My rules regarding my husband his OW and MY CHILDREN:-
1. my children do not need to know that their Dad is having an affair 2. my children will not be introduced to the OW for the forseeable future 3. my husband's contact with the children will be consistent and regular 4. the OW is not important in this situation - my kids are #1, I am #2 and my husband is a way down the list #3 5. I do not discuss the OW with my husband at any time
I have all of her contact details and have had for the last 7 months but I have not been in touch with her and do not plan to be - whilst my husband thinks she is important - she categorically is not. I do not give her space in my head anymore.
It seems that an affair is par for the course with MLC - I am sorry you are going through this bt, from your posts, you are smart lady and I am sure you will behave appropriately.
lalxx
Choose Life Me: 45 Him: 44 S:11 D:8 Met in 1992 Married in 1995 Bomb drop September 30th 2009 Divorce final April 16th 2011 exH Marries OW June 17th 2011
If this is an A, he obviously does want me to know. Making a big deal about being secretive about dinner...then all it took was one question from me to S6 to find out. He could have casually mentioned that he was meeting with her and given the appearance of an innocent playdate situation.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
(((FM)))-I am just catching up and so sorry to see this! The good thing for you is that were given the chance to start detaching before you found out...you will get through this! HUGS!!!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
(((FM)))) My heart goes out to you. I know what this is like... that stage of seeing the evidence but not knowing for sure.
I had a very hard time doing this, but I agree with giving her as little space in your head as possible. And, if your H is trying to get you to find out, don't play those games. Continue to stick to your plan and continue DBing.
If this is an A, he obviously does want me to know. Making a big deal about being secretive about dinner...then all it took was one question from me to S6 to find out. He could have casually mentioned that he was meeting with her and given the appearance of an innocent playdate situation.
FM, so glad to see that you're thinking this through.
While it's never a good time but also think about how you'll react *just in case* the news isn't what you want to hear. I know it's tough to do this but we're much better off preparing for the worst but hoping for the best. Preparing before the bomb drops definitely helps.
Of course, most likely he's not having an A.
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
Flowmom, I feel your pain. The worst is seeing all the signs of an A, and having them deny it. My H is still denying it. But I know in my heart he is. And I agree the OW is not important, but it is very hard not to think about her. Everyone tells me he will regret it and that him and OW will never last. But what brings me down is imagining them living happily ever after. Even though I know deep down they won't
Hang in there and detach as much as you can.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
I think there probably is an OW, but I'm not convinced it's "V". Although she is an interesting woman who probably has a lot to offer, I somehow saw him picking someone a lot more different from me than she is. But then again I have little to no insight into what makes H tick these days.
I finally have the L appt this morning. It's just to get info. I have the sick feeling in my stomach. I know I have to do this to be responsible, but it's painful.
I feel very stressed thinking about the kind of financial pressure that I'll be under in the future. It feels like my work as a parent and the earning pressure that I'll be under will leave no room for me to have a life.
I feel angry at myself for trusting H, for putting myself in a position where he has the power to destroy my dream of raising our children in a happy, intact family -- that was my top life priority and I put all my eggs in that basket.
Intellectually I know that I'll feel better in months or more likely years. But it's hard for me to visualize a future for myself where I am fulfilled as a person.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
FM: I feel very stressed thinking about the kind of financial pressure that I'll be under in the future. It feels like my work as a parent and the earning pressure that I'll be under will leave no room for me to have a life.
Yes, it's scary. But people do it every day. Time to find the women who have a life and find out how they balance it and learn from them.
FM: I feel angry at myself for trusting H, for putting myself in a position where he has the power to destroy my dream of raising our children in a happy, intact family -- that was my top life priority and I put all my eggs in that basket.
I feel this way too. I've been financially and security-compromised in some ways during my relationship with H and I trusted and ALLOWED IT.
FM: Intellectually I know that I'll feel better in months or more likely years. But it's hard for me to visualize a future for myself where I am fulfilled as a person.
I think you need to find the positive role models so you can see what it looks like. Not the stressed, miserable role models. Sorry to keep returning to this point, but maybe you can't visualize it because you have not met enough women who embody it yet.
Good luck at L. Just get your info and leave. You don't have to process it today.
Remember what the fist-fighting therapist said! About the story you tell yourself about your future and how this story will impact you positively or negatively? Well, that was a good idea and the one thing you got good from him until he put his dukes up. LOL
Ah, the divide b/t intellect and emotions, wish I could get a better reign on that....
I thoguht about you last night, you have so much going on already with your kids. You hubby- ugg.
Anyhow, you seem very wise to see a lawyer and get yourself and the kids protected. Hubby isn't trustworthy at the moment.
In Canda if you do have to pursue a D, if there is infidelity (not sure there is...) does it benefit you in the court proceedings?....
Have you thought of posting over in the Infideleity section? There are some wise experts over there with lots of great insight and guidance....
There was no affair in my relationship but the phrase I said over and over again was "I want to do what whatever it takes to give the kids a great life." Kids are happier with 2 parents and not part time parents..." That was my focus point. What is best for the kids. I think you probably thinking the same too.... I repeated it alot.
IDK, there are others that are really good with "truth darts"
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
