Eric, I saw our friend/counselor today and he agrees that he can't get in touch with him right now. He asked me to tell my h that he said hello (if I talk to h) and maybe that will open the door for them to talk. But, if not, we will just wait for a natural opportunity without forcing the issue right now.
He was able to tell me a little bit about what kind of person my h was during childhood. I found out h has been depressed pretty much all of his life. He told me he thought he had a martyr complex from the time he met him. He said he did not get much encouragement from his home life and he also tended to put himself down a lot. He told me my h liked to stay to himself, especially if there was something bothering him. He said that by living next door to him he was able to see a lot, such as the interaction between his mom, step-dad, and grandparents and aunt, who lived right behind them. He said the grandparents were the kind that told you what they thought of you, regardless of it hurting your feelings. They were pretty matter of fact; not showing a lot of love. But, they did love to buy him things. Before his brothers were born, they bought him a lot of gifts. So many that my h has even told me he was robbed of the joy of yearning for a certain toy, bike, telescope, etc. He once told me that he learned to keep his desires to himself because whenever he simply said, boy, I'd like to have a new bike, he would come home from school that day and have a new bike.
Our friend/counselor also agreed with what I said about my h practically raising his 2 younger half-brothers. He said he was given a lot of responsibility and really didn't have much of a childhood.
What I found interesting was that he didn't know anything about my husband's real father or him being beaten. He told me that now that I told him that, everything fits together....h being quiet, likes to be by himself, insecure, low self-esteem, etc. He agreed with me that his real father did severe damage to my h and so did his mother. He was shocked that she knew this was going on, but did nothing until he was 5 years old. I told him it sounded like a typical battered wife syndrome. And, since they literally escaped in the night, this was definitely where my h learned to run when times got tough.
So, I didn't really get any magic answers today. But, I suppose I did gain validation that what I have been thinking is pretty much right on the money. Of course, now we all just have to wait and pray that my h will realize he needs help. And, that is what is soooooooo hard for me to do!!!! LOL! Staying away, not talking to him, or trying to help him or "fix" him is like sitting on my hands or taping my mouth shut. (Which probably isn't a bad idea!)
Have you ever heard of anyone going through MLC when they have been depressed most of their life?
