Hi Future, New advice for you. Now I say, keep the relationship "status quo" until the divorce is final!!! I got sideswiped today. We had one matter that still needed to be ironed out in the settlement agreement for our divorce hearing, which is supposed to be 4/20. I am doing all the work on this, by the way--I just present stuff to him and he looks at it. Anyway, I sent an asset list to H and saw that I had made some errors, that I thought the open matter was still too much in his favor, and I wanted his opinion and the mediator's opinion. He was FURIOUS!!! Said its "war", that he is hiring an attorney, that there will be no divorce this month, etc...
Future, my thought now is his reaction can be chalked up in part because I haven't been "nice" enough to him the past few weeks. He needs me to tell him that he couldn't help having this affair (which he does not want to end) and that I think he is still the sensitive, caring man I married. He had been insisting this in e-mails to me, and I was not responding...
Anyway, long story short (I hope), tonight I made him a sandwich when he came to pick up the boys, and I was very cordial. Its not that I have been mean or nasty to him at all, I just haven't been paying enough attention to him lately. I have a feeling that because I made him a sandwich and was nice and not "neutral" that he will sign the settlement agreement and we will be through it this month.
Its worth it for me to keep up the status quo for a few weeks longer...but I've got light at the end of the tunnel (I pray to God). Its hard to know what you should do because of the long road in NY. I sounds like she is really mad that she isn't getting your attention, and so she's having a tantrum. Like my H, it sounds like she's going to demand attention from you one way or the other--either positive or negative. Hard to know which one is most in your interest at this point. Like you, I feel that my H is not a bad person, he is just self absorbed and immature. This has brought out the worst in him...he's trying, but its hard to get there.
The thing is, I haven't been ignoring her to punish her or anything like that. I've been ignoring her so I can detach and heal. She'd never believe that though, it's all about her, and it's all my fault.
A few days ago I was pondering offering my W an extra day with the kids because I'm taking them away for a week for spring break, as a nice gesture. Of course when I received the summons, I thought no way am I going to make that offer, but yesterday I reconsidered. I got angry when I realized that her actions were causing me to reject my own nature, so I sent her an e-mail and made the offer. When I called to talk to the kids last night she said she couldn't change her work schedule to take the kids on the day I offered, but asked if she could have the kids for a few hours on another day. I said sure.
One other thing I realized, how is she going to care for the kids full time, and also work? Right now she does the majority of her work when I have the kids. Is she saying she'd put the kids in the care of others rather than me? Of course these "others" would be chosen by her, not me, and I think therin lies the answer.
No I haven't, but I have considered doing so. I suppose it couldn't hurt.
Interesting that in the papers I was served, it doesn't really say why she wants to change our current custody arrangement. It doesn't even mention our current arrangement, just says she wants full custody because she's been the children's primary caregiver since birth, she's involved in their education, she's responsible for their religious training, she manages their health care, and since she's self employed her schedule is flexible. That's it.
Future, I think she wants to keep you hooked in--to keep you emotionally enmeshed. Good job with the offer of seeing the kids. Maybe getting the distance and starting the healing will allow you to be cordial without feeling like you are losing boundaries...
I think she wants to keep you hooked in--to keep you emotionally enmeshed.
I agree. I've been ignoring her. She's saying "Ok, try to ignore this!"
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Good job with the offer of seeing the kids. Maybe getting the distance and starting the healing will allow you to be cordial without feeling like you are losing boundaries...
Thanks. Exactly! I wish she could understand that, but like I said, it's all about her, and it's all my fault.
She's going to keep this "all about her". We are dealing with 2 peas in a pod, Future! I've got our mediator involved and am trying to be as NICE as I can be to get him to sign on the 20th. I think in the end, he will. He just wants to feel like he's doing me a favor when he signs so I'll owe him. Its good to be able to see all of these interactions through a different pair of glasses. My marriage is SO making sense to me now.
I completely enabled him to be selfish, and increasingly for every "favor" he does for me, he wants 10 in return. My friend said that he didn't start out being a prick, but its so clear that he is one now! I let him do it. It brought out the worst in him instead of the best by giving in all the time, and now I've got to deal with this monster part of him that I helped create!
