Did I blow it?

[Wildaces81]

It was boring and didn't do anything for me besides strengthen my idea that I like my wife way more than any chick I've been on a date with.

Good there is fight in you still. Keep fighting and keep GALing for YOU.

Problem is, my wife, according to her, is not my wife anymore, so I have a problem convincing myself that I should consider myself married.

Amazing thing that till death do us part, and the worst of times get omitted when they think they found something better. My wife says the same thing. I say nothing when she does, I just prove that I am still married to her by wearing my ring. Become a better man knofuseeed. Become the best, and better than you were when you first met. The goal is to start new, not go back to the old M.

Aces....

[konfuseeed]

So... thinking about the reasons for her leaving, compared to what I am doing now.

According to her, and these all could be lies, but according to her -

1 - I was not emotionally there for her
2 - we never did anything together
3 - we lived like "buddies" and not a married couple
4 - she didnt feel any love from me

Ok, lets say those are the real reasons...


Wouldn't what I'm doing now be more of the same? Leaving her completely alone... Not pursuing, moving on.

When I did sort of pursue her, she was receptive, and I think I just pushed too hard too soon. If I was able to control myself for even a little while longer I think we would kinda be on our way to something.



So, I guess my question is -

If my 180 would be to show her love and emotional attention, how can I go about that when I am also trying to just leave her alone?

Also, she never, ever contacts me for anything remotely considered "us" stuff. She has never asked to see me, or ever brought up anything in conversation that isnt just light chit chat, or divorce stuff.

This is a toughy for me.

I gotta say, right now, today, I really feel like she is just done with me, even though she has never actually said it. She has never once said that we were through, but I sure as hell feel like we are.

[timehealsall]

I'd like to hear suggestions as well for I feel like I'm in the same boat.

[konfuseeed]

Ok... Something happened... And now I really need advice.


I threw cation to the wind, and decided to chat with my wife today online. Just casual... Saying hello, seeing how she was and all that.

Somehow the conversation went into "us".

Keep in mind, up until now, any "us" talks ended with anger, and confusion.

We didn't talk about getting back together, in fact, we both agreed that our relationship and our marriage was over.

But... For the first time, we talked about WHY it was over, and WHY it happened, and it was very calm, and very honest, and it was nice to finally clear the air.

She is still kinda hesitant towards me, which I am expecting... But she did say she thinks about me a lot. She said she still is angry towards me, and she doesn't know why. She said she is lonely. She said she just does not trust me with her heart anymore, and I told her I dont trust her with mine.

We talked about how right now we are both just working on ourselves, and figuring out the things we need to work on as people to become better.

I mentioned to her how this was the most calm, and productive talk we have had in 4 months.

She said "ha, it is!"

Then I told her if we were face to face right now I would kiss her on the cheeck.

She said "You're silly, but I would accept it"


!!!!!!!!!!!!!


At that point... I said to myself... "alright self, go for it".


I asked her if she would like to go to the zoo with me when the weather gets warmer.

She said "yeah, sure"

Then we joked about me pushing her in the bear pit.

Then I had to go to a meeting... So I wished her a fun weekend, and told her I would talk to her soon.


Oh man! What do I do now?

[konfuseeed]

I also hot the biggest piece of info I needed. What her main problem with me was in our marriage.

She said I was selfish. That she felt a constant need to "coddle" me and give into everything I wanted due to backlash from me if she didn't.

I totally understand where she is coming from with that, and I thought that was what it was, but for her to actually tell me that was huge, and now I know.

And knowing is half the battle.

[konfuseeed]

Her saying that she still feels anger towards me makes me think I should just back away from this...

[ninelives]

Read your post kon and i am in a similar situation. Don't know which plan to follow. All the vets here suggest going dark and letting her pursue.. but what if that leads her to someone else.

In this vulnerable state she is in, that may drive her into an OM's arms. Persuing is also wrong. I guess you have to find the happy medium where you can be there for her but not initiate.

Also, not to respond to her every whim. It is trully a difficult line to balance and i am having a tough time with it.

More advice from the vets would be appreciated.

[konfuseeed]

What happens when you peruse but just a little bit?

Like, what do you think would happen if you asked them out for coffee?

[ninelives]

Don't know, I guess every sitch is different. Seems harmless but then it could be construed as you being needy. What happens when you have coffee then? I suppose if you keep it light and not bring up the R its ok but again , i'm in the same boat as you.

I think you need Puppy, Sandi and the vets to really advise you and then again, every w will look at it differently because although most of our sitch's are similar; I believe that every w's perception is different.

[konfuseeed]

yeah... I do need some advice now. I feel like me asking her out was pursuing today...

BUT, she accepted.

So is that really a bad thing?

I mean... Ok, if I go into this with no expectations, never bring up the past, never talk about the relationship, and just concentrate on being the most charming, attractive SOB that ever lived, this could be pretty awesome.

That is... If I can have the discipline to do that.

Also, I don;t think I was needy about it. We were just talking, and having a nice, calm conversation about stuff. Out of the blue I just kinda said "hey, would you like to do this sometime?"

I dunno... Maybe that is needy? I don't feel like I "need" her.

I just want her.