Thanks, flowmom. I'm pretty proud for enjoying myself, too (not to pat myself of the back TOO much). I've had my moments this week (anger, anxiety, and frustration), but I have been basically happy. I have not shed any tears this week, and I have not had any moments where I've felt completely despondent.
But now it's Thursday! The days are slipping away from me! Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!
Vacation is a marvelous thing. This has been just what I needed.
I decided last night that I would stay in today. These are my afternoon/evening plans:
*Do some journaling about my feelings (at the suggestion of my new IC). She said that I should record feelings at the time I have them. Then I should record, when possible, the direct cause or contributing factor (or even trigger) for each individual feeling. *Read self-help books (my newly acquired hobby, much to my disbelief) and take notes on particularly helpful, illuminating, or revealing information. *Watch reruns of whatever strikes my fancy. *Play hostess to pest control guys. *Pick up paint chips from home-improvement store. [Technically, this involves leaving the house, but I'm thinking of painting tomorrow. It might help if I had a paint color in mind.] *Consider putting laundered sheets on bed (though Boxer dog and I have slept just fine on the mattress pad for two nights).
It looks like it might rain soon, so this will make it a perfectly cozy afternoon. It also means I won't have to water my plants.
Yes to the sheets. It will make you feel more human!
Hee hee! That's probably true! Two nights in a row on the mattress pad is definitely not very grown up, either.
Of course, the two nights before these most recent two were spent on the couch. I fell asleep watching TV and spent the whole night both nights on the couch. One night, I slept in my clothes for the entire night.
It's possible that one day I'll become an adult. I bet I'll feel more human before I feel like an adult.
Another bad report. Clever possum has once again foiled the efforts to trap him. Pest control guys are beginning to feel mocked by cruel possum.
Pest guys will be back tomorrow and Saturday. I will likely be the reason they'll be able to afford orthodonture and/or college tuition for their kids.
I have had a very productive evening, as self-help evenings go. I have been working my way very thoroughly through the book Getting Back Together. This book is an excellent resource. I have read and done a lot of journaling. It's been good to get some things on paper--my most important values, where H and I conflict on values, where I'm willing to compromise, and goals for a reconciliation plan that tie directly to my values. I also did some writing about our negative history and things that have led to my feelings of anger, resentment, depression, or guilt. In addition, it's been useful to journal about my self-worth, my true identity, and the things I do well.
The next part is to define and focus on my needs and examine what the steps are when partners choose to reconcile.
Ha! So funny you should say that! Yesterday, pest control guy baited the obviously inadequate possum trap with peanut butter and crackers. Pest guy is tired of his efforts being thwarted, so he upped the ante, so to speak.
At what point will pest control guys get tired of this and let possum win?
It's possible that pest control guys have met their match in strategic, scheming possum.
Another lovely day today. Boxer dog and I enjoyed some sunshine while we looked at home-improvement catalogs and paint samples. I have chosen some colors for the living room, the kitchen, and my bedroom. Final decisions! This means I can paint my living room tomorrow.
And speaking of tomorrow--the pest guys will be back yet again. Tomorrow is The Big Day. The fungus under the house is going away, as are the termites. New installation and moisture barrier are being put in, too.
As for possum . . . he's still on the lam.
On a different note, H and I have had barely any interaction since Monday or Tuesday. He was defensive on Monday about the termites (recall his belief that my father blamed him for the termite infestation). I texted a brief message on Tuesday morning and never heard back. After that, I decided that I would forgo initiating contact for a couple days.
Today is his father's birthday. I made sure that I sent a card to his father so that it would arrive today, but H is notorious for forgetting/overlooking birthdays. I sent H a text about an hour ago saying, "Call your dad to wish him a happy birthday if you haven't already."
He answered, "Thanks"
I asked, "Did you already?"
He said, "Nope but I remembered"
I concluded with, "Glad you remembered. Figured you did."
I truly hate these kinds of interactions with him. So brief and cold. I wonder if he's still harboring some guilt or resentment about the termite invasion. His MO is to escape when things are tough or when he feels guilty, so I guess I'm not surprised. I'm just having trouble remembering that his feelings like that are not about me.
I have to say I'm impressed at your wonderfully positive nature. I've got the ADHD & some anxiety, too. It should lead to 100% negativity, but I find it to be a mixed bag of gifts and trials...
Too bad all these stories couldn't become some NY bestseller book and make us all rich!
I was thinking about a few things, they are just thoughts so take them with caution as I could be very wrong.
Consider: - Your H might realize he may have ADHD or something similar. You telling him or hinting in the past would be like a reminder of how he is the man, but making less money and doing worse.
- If you think your life is bad, you might think depression is just acceptance of a screwed up situation.
- I feel like running when I screw up. This is the hardest part in my sitch. I don't want to stay - I want to run away. Whether your H has ADHD or not, it may be that being apart has made him feel that he's no good at that game called M to you. Do you think you've been critical (even validly) over his life choices?
- If you made a list, what would your top 10 reasons be for him to want to leave? Have you meaningfully addressed them? How do you know that your reasons would be his, too?
- Have you figured out what emotional needs of yours (and your husbands) haven't been met or poorly met? Were they met early in your R before marriage?
- Are you willing to do a 180 and show him physcial touch if he comes over? In other words, let him sit and then sit next to him in a way that says you are ready for a sexual relationship.
- Did you directly invite him back?
- Have you responded to his text and told him that you don't blame him for the termites? , I've read and I would agree that shame is a big issue in men. I remember trying to reconstruct our gate. Well, my W told me how awful it was and that I made it worse. She's right, but I did it trying to make it easier for her to open. I felt very embarrased and ashamed that I couldn't do it right and that became anger against her. Those interactions again and again cloud my judgement of what she says to the point that I misread things she says. I'm guessing again, but if your H in depression, he may be misreading things. If he seems offended, ask yourself if it would hurt to respond with reassuring (but not begging) comments.
Again, these are just thoughts. I'm just wondering and hoping to give you something to spark a way to make more deep interactions.
