I need to get something together to find out what he's up to. He's too much in a good mood. No tears, no mood swings, nothing. I don't trust the no contact is true. You don't go from "soul mates" to no emotion showing at all in just a week.
And the not believe what you hear stuff goes both ways
If he says somethign nice or something not so nice... ignore it. If your husband IS a romance addict, he will ENJOY pursuit and you playing a bit hard to get... so even if its sincere it should not be harmful
I am bout 10% confident in him right now... the rest I am holding back until he displays more commitment...
To confirm :
Has your husband at ALL or in ANY way shown remorse for apologized for his infidelity?
From my reading so far all i ahve seen is aviodance on his part, avoidance and self-righteousness... which again is addiction talking not him. I just wanted to find out how much humlity he's offerin gup.. THAT is something you would do best to measure.. IF you can spot some sincere remorse on his end. I don't recall him making any demonstrations of remorse at ALL yet.
Yeah, guys, I think he hasn't shown any fits and starts or wild swings or remorse because in his mind, it's still over. He still thinks there's nothing to try for. He is viewing our M as done.
He leaves me cute little puppy and kitty notes sometimes on my desk and when I said that I kept all of them, he explained that for years, he'd leave those notes "trying to feel something by physically acting loving" and he felt nothing. That hurt...
I really think he's done now. At least in the current state he's in. We'll see if and when withdrawal happens. I need to get on his emails again, I bet I'll find she's still there.
I am thinking an act of remorse... like flowers or him fixing your car
But you can just reject them.
if he brings you flowers ->
"I don't accept gifts from cheaters." And walk away
If he goes to fix your CAR...
"I have a good mechanic I trust with my safety, please don't touch my car"
etc
Him trying is good, but you want to see hwo he handles it when you reject it.
Then if the emails DO appear to be stopping then throw him a bone and accept something... but I would be rejecting 95% of what he's offering right now...
It's only TWO DAYS... exposure and withdrawal take WEEKS.
I really think he's done now. At least in the current state he's in. We'll see if and when withdrawal happens. I need to get on his emails again, I bet I'll find she's still there.
He's not "done". He's FEELING HOPELESS. Waywardness DOES that.
As YOU FIGHT for your marriage, it slowly builds confidence in him again. But you can't look desperate, its humiliating to you, and it just casues him to lose respect for you.
Learn to read how he FEELS when he says soemthing.
"You saving all my love letters means nothing" - = "What I'm feeling is guilt, anger, and hopelessness"
You have to understand that he likley DOES feel some guilt, but its subconscious, hes not likely even very well aware of it... he's feeling STRESS from guilt, but he READS that as HOPELESSNESS for his marriage
His anger and hopelessness make it EASIER for his mind to reconcile with his guilt.
If YOU are the SOURCE of the problem, then he doens't have to feel guilty. He's rationalizing verbally to reduce his stress level.
And as long as he's angry, he doens't have to feel guilty.. Anger suppresses guilt.
You need to learn to read his feelings right now or you will take what he says to heart and beat yourself up.. and you won't be able to fight for a marriage if you feel hopeless and beat up as much as he does.
What you CAN do to make yourself a better option is to be attractive, but IGNORE him.
Dress more provocatively, but go out and leave him behind Talk warmly on the phone to others, then ignroe him Buy gifts and do kind things for people, but offer him nothing
He will see a WARM person, but at the same time realize he isnt' getting any of it... he SHOULD pursue that if he IS a romance addict.
Dont waste time pursuing him or listening to his BS.. its just giong to wear you down.
The more I think about it, the more I mistrust the facebook post. Why would she say "this is not just for show" if it was honest. Thou doth protest too much, as they say. When I am being honest, I do not start out with saying "I'm being honest here." Maybe Jesus did with his "verily, I say unto you..." But most of us do not.
The fact is, we need more intel before we can extend anyone in this mess the trust they need to make anything work long term.
The way this woman writes its pretty clear her and your H wouldn't last long if they did get together... she's incredibly selfish... not to mention vicious and remorseless
those qualities do not long term commitment make
keep the exposure train running I say... its doing a lot of damage that's clear.
i would keep sending OWH messages anyhow, not desparate ones, just info... it seems to be really frustrating HER... funny how SHE doens't like it when YOU poke at HER marriage when you are sincerely trying to REPAIR it, but for how many weeks was she secretly picking away at YOUR marriage without the slightest thought to the damage she was doing?
I just don't think you can trust someone who isn't showing any remorse, and she isnt as far as I can tell.
so, keep the exposure train running and keep collecting what intel you can.
Your husband has had two women fawning over him for weeks. I dont think he is giong to be able to go cold turkey anytime soon... so, he will keep pursuing her and you will catch him and call again OR he will try to offer something respectable to you...
I say as long as there is indication of infidelity keep contacting OWH to report on it. Even if she sees it, she's not in a position to complain... its just exposure and she can complain all she wants to... all you're doing is telling her H the truth.
