"I know what I want and what I don't want but I'm not very good at saying it out loud."
BULL. This is precisely why I keep suggesting that you give yourself time and space to figure out what you really want. You don't know. Get honest with yourself before you start trying to do this:
"I'm going to have to sit him down and have a talk about boundaries with him ASAP."
You can't have effective and useful boundaries if you aren't honest with yourself to begin with about what you want.
"I think I need him to voice what he thinks is going on. "
Why in the world do you think he knows anymore than you do?????
It has been a couple of days since you've had sex. He probably has no more clear thoughts/agenda than you do.
Here's the deal: my guess is that you are both sort of toying with the idea of reconciliation. Neither of you know if you want it. Neither of you can know just yet.
You can certainly act in ways now to shut down that possibility.
Or, you can chill, while you sort yourself out, have an open mind, and breathe. Get honest with yourself. Don't rush. OWN YOUR OWN CHOICES AND YOUR OWN RISKS.
You are already wanting to seek reassurances from Gabe that this "means something," that he is "done with other women," "coming home," "fully committed to you and an M," "he'll never cheat again." Blah blah blah. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN RIGHT NOW.
Imagine you just started seeing someone, had sex, and then were freaking out that the person wasn't suddenly committed to a life long monogomous romantic relationship with you. TOO MUCH TOO SOON.
Trying to get the same out of Gabe right now is the same thing. TOO MUCH TOO SOON. You are effectively embarking on a new R. Neither of you knows where it leads. Accept the risk or stop the R.
But, I urge you to really reflect honestly on which way you want to go: accepting the risk or eliminating the risk.
Both options have potential costs/benefits. It is YOUR CHOICE which way you choose to go. But when you make that choice, you have to OWN RESPONSIBILITY for the potential costs/benefits that you have FREELY CHOSEN to incur. NO VICTIMHOOD HERE. YOUR CHOICES, YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.
I suggest you put Gabe on a month of double-secret probation. Just see how things go. At the end of the month, then take some space to reflect and see what choices you want to make then. Maybe another month of double-secret probation, maybe send him to the homeless shelter, who knows. Don't try to figure it out now. Again, you aren't psychic.
If something feels bad, don't agree to it. If you need space, take it. Put respecting and caring for yourself at the top of the list. Be who you want to be, no matter what. No warping yourself for Gabe, no compromising your identity. Again, be who you want to be in an R. Good R's enhance us, they don't diminish us, they let us be our best. Be your best.
Do I think you want to reconcile or at least see where things go? Yes, I'd say so. Given you have such a desire, I think you owe it to yourself to keep your options open just now.
Do I think reconciliation is possible? Sure.
Is reconciliation likely? Who knows, I don't. But the important thing is that while exploring that path, you take care of yourself and stay true to your best self.
At some point, you will be ready to express your boundaries. At some point, boundaries will change. Both are OK, both are healthy. If things get serious, a lot of work will need to be done on trust, plans to identify and avoid triggers for him cheating, probably IC, MC, who knows. But that is not right now. Stay in the present.
I'm just concerned that if you act now too quickly, you'll not have given yourself time to reflect and figure out what you really want. There is too much self-deception, confusion, shock, etcetera right now (perfectly normal!). So, rather than trying to figure out boundaries for reconciliation or a long term R, maybe just work on expressing yourself directly when something isn't working for you or you need more space.
"I'm feeling uncomfortable." "That doesn't work for me just this minute." "Wow, I need to go for a walk to get some space, my brains going a mile a minute."
Now, with respect to his flirtiness.... You are now in a sexual relationship with Gabe. Period. Let's stop pretending that it won't happen again or that you want it to stop. You are thus in a new sexual relationship. Who do you want to be as a sexual being? Be that person now. AUTHENTICITY and HONESTY in everything you do from now on. When he pats your butt, do you want to be coy: "Oh my!" Do you want to be hot/kinky: "why don't you bend me over your knee and get serious!" Do you want to be cold: zero response. Do you want to be sexy, "I don't know why that gets me going, but it does." Playful: "Got anything to back that up with?" Who do YOU want to be? Let your sexual self out without checking with your censor about what Gabe wants.
My advice: Be true. To yourself. See where things go.
Caveat: Look, if you don't want to accept the real risks of seeing where things go, then that is perfectly reasonable. Nothing wrong with that at all. I just don't think you're at a place where you can honestly assess this. Thus, I'd err on the side of keeping your options open until you are clearer in your own head about what you want. But, if the risks are just to great in your mind, then, find the number for the homeless shelter and boot him out. The concern you should have here is FOR YOU. You are not obligated to try an R. He is not entitled to expect you to try. You do nothing wrong whether you try or not. But, you do have to OWN your choices and their consequences. (Which, BTW, helps me a lot with tolerating risk -- my choices, my risks, my consequences. Again, no room for victimhood.)
