Something that is not talk. He wouldn't be using his mouth to communicate with you. I know someones husband on one of the threads was over cleaning the kitchen so his W wouldn't have to do it. I do not know what the specific action will be. But as they say "talk is cheap".
Whatever he does it shouldn't be prompted by you. It should come from him, so that you know that he is pursuing you.
What is his LL(love language)? What is yours? It might be expressed that way.
Just part of the MLC I guess! I would always wonder, why he was asking me what I thought, when it was him that left! I guess just their way of putting it back on us? Who know?! lol
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
I know that it's complicated with you both living in different cities. What is the distance in between? If he found a room in your town, could he commute to work? It would make more sense for him to come to you, then you transplanting the whole family at this stage. You can tell him that once you restore your marriage, you would consider moving. At this stage he should make the sacrifices if he is serious about reconciling.
Quote:
He proposed that he hangs out at my house for 4 weeks.
I'm not sure if that's the best solution.
A) What is he going to find out in 4 weeks? That's not realistic, repairing this kind of damage in marriage will take months and long term commitment. He has issues and you have issues that you need to deal with.
B) What about the children? What impact would this 4-week visit have on them?
BTW is he reconnecting with the kids, is he taking any interest in your household like offering any help or showing in actions that he wants to a part of the family again?
No easy answers SCH....
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
At this point I think it is too soon to think about reconciling. Your h is still in mlc and all of this back and forth is keeping you from detaching. You need to detach. Expect this to take a lot longer. In the meantime take the focus off of your h and put it on you. Protect yourself if you have to and then just live your life.
Something that is not talk. He wouldn't be using his mouth to communicate with you. I know someones husband on one of the threads was over cleaning the kitchen so his W wouldn't have to do it.
OP, he always tries to come to the house to do things ALL THE TIME. For example, garden, cut the grass, shovel the snow, redecorate, and so on. Since the day we first moved here.
He would also be more than happy to be intimate.
But it was always like cake-eating -- he would have all the benefits of us and the home and the family on the days he wanted to be here, and then went back to his single life on the other days (said he had to work, which I guess he did). I booted him out, because I didn't want to live the next X years like that, while he simultaneously built up another life independant of me elsewhere.
Which threw me into this current tailspin, which in some ways is much harder then the original bomb.
And I don't see how that will change, or what signs to look for, unless he actually up and left the other city and moved here, or had us move there with him. But he won't leave all his hard-earned independance without assurances from me that it WILL work out, which of course I can't know or prove, or maybe he just wants both. Arrrggghhhh!!!
I know that it's complicated with you both living in different cities. What is the distance in between? If he found a room in your town, could he commute to work? It would make more sense for him to come to you, then you transplanting the whole family at this stage. You can tell him that once you restore your marriage, you would consider moving. At this stage he should make the sacrifices if he is serious about reconciling.
Mila, thanks for your thoughts.
The distance is just outside of commuting range, and it's in the wrong direction (i.e. add extra hours for all the cars going INTO the city he wants to be in).
But he mostly works from (his) home anyways, it's not a 9-5 office job that he has!!
That's I guess why he thinks he can do the 4 weeks.
But it wouldn't be any good, we (or I) have no social circle here, the house is small, the kids are only now getting some friends. We would be in each others way in no time.
See, moving to his city is not all that disruptive, it would cause me to give up a great job, but otherwise -- that is where we came from!!!! That is where all my friends are. The kids friends. But he won't agree to us living in his city (why?).
[quote=mermaid]Your h is still in mlc and all of this back and forth is keeping you from detaching. You need to detach. [quote]
Oh, Mermaid, you are so right!! Is it ever interfering with my detaching. I'm getting frustrated and anxious and micro-focussed and sad and afraid and so on all over and over again. It's making me feel sick. I really don't want my M to end, but part of me just wants to "slam the door shut" to stop the sick feeling. The legal sep papers are waiting, and he's playing games to try to get control, and I can't figure out how to be conciliatory towards trying a reconcilation because I have no trust left and don't want to be hurt AGAIN... all at the same time.
All I can tell you is that I lived in fear for four years. Don't do what I did. I did not want a d and my h played me knowing that. Maybe not on purpose but he did play me. There were so many back and forths and I thought reconcilliation was just around the corner but it did not happen.
You have to live your life for you. I know you don't want a d but don't let your h control the stitch. This is your life and you only get one chance to live it so you take control.
But he won't leave all his hard-earned independance without assurances from me that it WILL work out, which of course I can't know or prove, or maybe he just wants both. Arrrggghhhh!!!
I think they all would come back if they had the assurances it WILL work. My H asked me the same thing once.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
