H and I had the talk at lunch. First we spoke about finances, it went well. Then I spoke to him about my feelings, my remorse, essentially what I posted earlier. I cried, he sighed very heavily frequently. Then sat there a while and he said "I'm not just staring at the trees, I'm processing what you said and feeling the emotions." He told me they have decided no contact. I asked if he would tell me if there was more and he said yes. (I know, guys, I know, I won't trust but I had to ask to make sure he knew where I stood)
I told him that when he first told me that he was ready to end the M, I had thought to ask him if he wanted to scrap the M and start over, start being friends and dating. I said I had been too afraid to ask. He said back then he was in appeasement mode and would have said maybe or no, are you crazy. Now he's in a different place and his answer would be very different. I was confused by that - did he mean he'd date me or not? I just don't know... so I asked again and he gave the same exact answer. Still no clearer. I'm making assumptions that his answer would be a definitive no to it, but I just didn't "get" what he was saying... It was 15 minutes past our lunch hour - he kept looking at his watch and saying it was time to go but not getting up and leaving, but finally we did leave and went back to work. I would like to think some of this helped on some level, but I'm not sure. It will be some time before I know for sure.
