"Wow. Actually, of all the people I actually thought I would run into around here, I have to admit OT, it was you smile Actually, of all the people I was sorta afraid to run into, it was you smile smile smile You always had a way of smacking me around. "
Not sure how to take that... You KNOW I prefer directness. Shall I go away? Or, do you, as I had always thought, like to have my two (several) cents?
Anyway, I will assume that I'm appreciated, lol... Here are some thoughts:
(1) Read DB again, especially the earlier less desperate chapters. You are, after all, less desperate than most here.
Almost all the folks in these parts find the boards in the wee hours of the morning some sleepless night POST-bomb. Then, they start at the beginning of DB, trying stuff for Ms that are strained, when their Ms are in tatters. I always want to shout something like: Do not stop, do not glance at asking for what you want, proceed directly to LTR. Lol.
BUT YOU, my little exoskeletoned friend ARE NOT THERE. Your M is strained. The earlier DB techniques might well be useful to you now in ways that were inappropriate last time.
2) I think emails might help you communicate with W. They don't let her make her little silencing comments to you (which you allow to silence you, which is why she uses them, but they are little toxic darts in your M).
How about:
"W,
I've been thinking about what you shared with me about your sister. It is so very sad. It makes me want to be a better husband and father to protect our marriage and our family. It makes me want to be a better partner to you in all ways.
I wanted to begin by thinking about three ways I think we can do better by and for each other: Work, Fun, Intimacy.
Work: I mentioned this is a text message, but I want you to know that I'm serious about your idea of pursuing your idea of making photography our only business, my only job, with us in it together as partners. I see now that you are sooo right -- the personal costs of living life with two jobs are just too high for us, the kids, and me.
Fun: I also want to be a better partner to you in terms of supporting you in having a full rich life. You find something very rewarding/enriching in enjoying a very social night out. That this adds to your happiness is important to me. I want us to work together to find a way for this to happen that works for both of us.
Here are somethings that have made it hard and painful for me when you go out. (1) The private R with the child-man borders seems almost too intimate, (2) You have been dishonest with me about where you have been, how you have gotten there, etc. Lying is not OK. And a social life that involves secrets and evasions is not OK. (3) I am excluded from this part of your life.
I'm sure that you have problems with how I have been reacting to your social life as well.
But rather than be at odds over your social life, lets be partners. How do we make it a priority for you to have a great social life that works for us? Your happiness enhances our M. It makes sex better. What's not to like? Let's make it work.
I think the keys are: honest, respect for each other, respect for our marriage.
Here are some ideas for boundaries that put each other and our M first that might help us both here:
(i) No lies, no omissions, no evasions about our social lives. It is the old open book/transparency thing. If something about our social lives is off-limits or hidden to the other person, that's something we need to work together to change. There shouldn't be anything that we should be surprised to learn about the other person with respect to outside social interaction.
Example: For instance, it would not be OK if you were to suddenly find out that I'd regularly been having lunch with some hot FB chick for the past three years, but had simply never mentioned it to you.
(ii) No friends that our friends to our M. This doesn't mean that we each need to be best friends to the other's friends. It simply means that we don't have friends who are not to some degree our friends and friends to our M.
Example: If junior is a regular part of your social circle, then junior needs to be our friend and a friend to our M. We need to have some social activity with him that includes both of us.
(iii) Being accountable with respect to our whereabouts to each other. We are parents, lovers, partners, friends. It isn't OK to disappear and stop communicating.
Example: I get tied up with work and show up 4 hours after I said I would without a word. Not OK. Same thing with when time gets away from you when you go out. Communication and keeping our commitments to each other is important here.
(iv) Always give each other a chance to grow and be a better partner so that we can grow into better people for ourselves and each other.
Example: Give me a chance to be a friend to your friends. In the past, I was a lousy friend to your friends. Give me a chance to do better, to be a better friend to them, to be a better partner to you.
(v) Respect each other as adults free to make our own choices and responsible for their own choices.
Example: I don't get to tell you what to do -- those are your choices. I don't get to pretend that my choices are your fault. They are MY choices, after all. So, no blaming the other person for one's own choices.
Intimacy: I love you so much. I lust you so much. You drive me crazy. I owe it to use to make more quality time for our romantic relationship, personal intimacy, physical intimacy. So, please let me blindfold you and take you to places you've not been before literally and figuratively. There's something hot about having sex in a nice hotel room in the middle of the day, don't you think?
I love you so much. I'm so lucky to have you in my life. You are my partner, my lover. Let's make magic in our lives together.
Love, Your green exoskeletoned H
Yeah, OK, probably a little much to tackle in ONE email. But, just saying, email might be a good route for you. And, try to innoculate yourself against W's toxic silencing tactics. Try to call her on it: "Hey, that little dart is meant to silence me. That doesn't work for me. I want you to hear what I'm sharing with you. I care about you, about us, that's why I'm sharing."
3) As your sex life is going well, this is one case in which I'm not convinced that W is having an EA/PA. But, *thin ice* no matter what. And, the lying is flatly NOT OK.
4) Just wondering, did W ever confess to a PA last time?
