I guess we cross-posted. Just read your update. FWIW -- I think you did great in a needed conversation and got across on your own a lot of what I was trying to convey in the email suggestion above.
Two parts REALLY bothered me:
"At no point was this an argument. Voices were not raised. She did address things somewhat, but the response was the same most of the time; "you are over reacting as you always do. These are just friends, nothing more. Yes, he texts me, etc but it's always in the context of the group."
What crap from W. "W, it is not OK to dismiss my concern with your "over-reacting" line. This is silencing and putting the problem on me. It shuts down the conversation. Not this time. I do not feel I am over-reacting and even if I am, we need to work together through this problem. You have outright lied to me multiple times. You have snuck around. You have engaged in risky behavior. You are hiding things from me. This is not good for our M. It is not respectful of me or our M. It is NOT OK."
"My worst, non-db move came at that point. I said "well then show me the texts if there is nothing to hide" Stop hiding your phone, etc. She said all that was because I am always snooping. Not really true but... I said, well, if you are hiding something, who's wrong?"
Again, what crap from W: "W, snooping on each other should be impossible. Our lives should be open books to each other. You can look in my phone, in my email. You had full access to my FB page, which you were still uncomfortable with, so out of respect for our M, I changed by behavior there. If we are open to each other, snooping isn't really a possibility. If you have secrets in your private life about your interactions with your friends, that is a problem for our M. It is your secretiveness that creates a world in which you could even feel snooped upon."
"W,
Imagine I disappeared after work, then snuck in the house at 3am after an unexplained late night that I spent someplace I specifically said I wouldn't be, having spent $200 on an expensive dinner, woke up without my wedding ring and told you: "I forget why I took it off, I was just having a good time. Geez, quit hassling me and being such a controlling b*tch."
Would that work for you? I think not. And it most certainly doesn't work for me. It is time for you to get A LOT MORE HONEST with yourself and me about how YOUR choices are having negative consequences for your life, my life, our marriage, and our children."
Have my fingers crossed that your phone chat shook things up a bit for her. I hope it doesn't take the life-wreck equivalent of a DUI to get her to look at herself again.
