My friend - I got tears seeing you again! I think of you often and you are always in my prayers - I hope all is well with you and the Mrs. Happy to see my namesake is doing well - Hopefully as well as I am! Please don't be a stranger...Don't make me come to Africa to issue a butt kicking
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
And forgive me a rare instance of skepticism, but after months of sharing in the pain of so many good, decent, principled people, I am reminded of Michelle Weiner-Davis' claim of 85% success rate in Divorce Busting. Well, if that number is to be believed, I figure I should have been exposed to maybe 100-150 Divorce-Busted reconciliations in the past year or so on this board and, frankly, I haven't seen a fraction of a fraction of that. Indeed, I know of three busted divorces.
This paragraph has been on my mind since I read it last night...Like I stated on another thread, I have seen 4 - Maybe 5 divorces busted and 2 of those were before I even joined the board.
I have seen people state they have been here for years...Not like 2 years - More like 5 or 6 or even 7 years.
I read that and think to myself - "You have got to be kidding me"...Within the first 8-9 months, I was all about saving my marriage...Willing to do just about anything to have him back regardless of what was done...But over time, as I grew into a person I loved, it became apparent that I was going to be better because of this...
I see people on here say things like "I owe them, We have been together for such and such years, We have kids, We are financially stable together" etc...
Let me make a point crystal clear here - The minute your husband stuck it in someone else or your wife spread her legs for someone else, was the exact moment in time you stopped owing them anything. The such and such years you just spent together - Gone - Right out the window...You will still have the kids and you can be financially stable on your own.
If it was a one time mistake, I could possibly understand...Maybe a one night stand in Vegas after drinking for 12 hours straight...
I feel for the ones whose respective spouses are on their 2nd or 3rd or 10th OP...And there you sit...Changing yourself in the hopes that he/she will see you are the better option. You were the better person the minute this all started, you are just to scared to see it.
To the ones that made it - I commend you...I don't see a 85% success rate - More like a 10-15% and if you fall into that category then more power to you and I wish you the best.
A wise man close to me has uttered these words - "DB is nothing more then giving people false hope". At the time, I didn't believe that - Now I do...
DB is about making changes for yourself, to yourself and on yourself...
If you come here thinking that this is the end all, be all for the saving of your marriage then I am sorry to say about 85%-90% of you will be very disappointed.
If you come here and do the work on yourself then no matter what happens in your situation, you will realize one day that you will be perfectly fine.
You may even wake up one day just like I did and realize you deserve better then what is on your plate...And then what?
You take that plate to the trash can and empty it of all the rubbish and then add to it what you want...Let me repeat that - What. You. Want.
Maybe it is time you stopped settling for Silver when He is trying to give you Gold.
(((((Hugs))))
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
I would say that 85% of marriages COULD be saved, if the parties were willing to work on it when troubles first crop up.
But by the time we get to the point of looking up divorce-busting websites and forums, the M is usually close to the point where these interventions aren't going to resurrect the dead...
I mean, my ex COULD go get intense personal therapy, he COULD learn how to be a genuine man of integrity, but he CHOOSES to play the victim of crappy circumstance instead, so things will NOT get better for him...
I truly did not get 'happy' again until I realized that I needed to look out for my kids first, but then choose things for my life that make my life better for ME, not in case he decided to come back later...
OK gonna shut up now cause you said it way better....
I truly did not get 'happy' again until I realized that I needed to look out for my kids first, but then choose things for my life that make my life better for ME, not in case he decided to come back later...
Well said my friend!
Because I spent my life living for other people, I didn't get my happiness nor my peace until I started living for myself...I still have bad days, however I try like hell to not let them rule me like I used to.
Originally Posted By: BobbiJo
I mean, my ex COULD go get intense personal therapy, he COULD learn how to be a genuine man of integrity, but he CHOOSES to play the victim of crappy circumstance instead, so things will NOT get better for him...
Sounds just like mine - Always someone elses' fault and God forbid he owns any type of responsibility... Like I told him this past Sunday - This is your loss.
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
(((Serenity))), Actually, I fully expected to be "piled on" after such a cynical assessment. But the numbers - or lack thereof - are there as is the undercurrent of hoping against hope that underscores almost every sitch.
And if DBing is about making changes for yourself, to yourself, and on yourself, well that is all admirable and healthy but perhaps it needs another name.
I, myself, learned much and grew in many ways. I do believe that, while unsuccessful, my initial approach and mantra that "my dear friend is very confused and in a tremendous amount of pain," served me well, if not my sitch.
I did not deserve to be suddenly and inexplicably left. Nor strung along with a months-long "temporary-respite-I'll-be-back" charade.
I did not deserve to have vows, promises, and commitments broken nor to have plans and a future stolen.
And after months of anguishing over what else I could have possibly done, I have come to the simple acknowledgment of this truth: While not perfect, I was a good, selfless companion, friend, partner, lover, housemate, husband, helpmate, playmate, and stepfather.
And I was discarded.
I am fine now. With me. With my peace of mind. With my faith. And my hope. I. Will. Be. Fine.
As john210 so eloquently said, "Gardener, I am like you...this was my real first broken heart in 47 years....but like I have repeated elsewhere, I will be damned if I let one person (regardless of who the real SHE was or is) affect me one more day....They should be the ones regretting their actions NOT US!"
As you all know, I so look forward to shedding myself of this house - the last vestige of that previous life, of being betrayed by the one person who would I would have gone to my grave believing would never do such a thing. But as author Susan Elliott says in Getting Past your Breakup,
"But above all else: forget this person you fell in love with. They are never coming back. The person who LEFT YOU is more in line with who this person REALLY is than the person you fell in love with."
And then I will write my next chapter. Without the rubbish and with what I want. Alone.
And in the final analysis, when I speak of all that I learned over these many months here at DB, it is in essence what I learned from all of you! Weare this board.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
A wise man close to me has uttered these words - "DB is nothing more then giving people false hope". At the time, I didn't believe that - Now I do...
I don't believe that is the case at all.
1) I've talked to two separate DB phone coaches, and the advice you see on the Newcomers is not the same type of advice that you get from a DB coach. It's probably not what you would get from one-on-one counseling sessions from MWD herself, either.
2) A lot of people come looking for a quick fix, and DBing is not a quick fix. It is going to be more successful the more time that you give it, and people who are in a midlife crisis, or an affair, or have some other reason for wanting out of the marriage in a hurry are going to be hard to slow down. One of our success stories (Coach and Greek) ended up separating and getting back together, and that's because Coach did not give up on trying to win her back even after the breakup. How many of the newly-split people here are willing to do that?
3) It requires a unbelievable amount of determination. And I say this -- as some here well know -- as a person who struggles with his sitch on a daily basis. You have to accept the fact that life may be hard, and lonely, and thankless for a long time. And that's hard to maintain in the face of people telling you that you deserve better, or that you are wasting your time.
In fact, MWD just posted something to that effect on Twitter...
Originally Posted By: Michele Weiner-Davis
If your spouse has 1 foot out the door & you want to save your marriage, accept that YOU are in charge of setting your marriage on course.
I agree with BobbiJo that people who are not as far along in the disintegration of their marriage may find it easier to DB than ones who are fighting a spouse who is already starting to move on. And not having an OP to complicate matters will improve the odds as well. But that's a far cry from painting the techniques as "giving false hope".
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
You know first hand I respect you my friend however in this instance we will agree to disagree...
It took me months before I realized I was worth more then this...
My self-respect and self-worth took a huge blow and you know this...
Putting a label on it just eases the LBS - Call a spade a spade - A cheater a cheater.
Last time I checked there wasn't infidelity where Coach and Greek were concerned...
My post is specifically aimed at the people sitting around waiting for their respective spouses to pull their heads out of their butts...Our SPOUSES are being intimate with another person, having sex with another person, sharing their day to day with another person - How could you not think you weren't worth more then that?
After picking up the pieces each time he came in and dished out more false hope - Even this past Sunday with his declaration of "love" and "confusion", I finally had enough...
Each of us has but one life to live and you can choose to live it waiting around for someone who dishes out the ultimate betrayal on a day to day basis or you can cut your losses and move forward...
The mess each of us has been left in is deplorable...The pain is almost unimaginable...However as I have grown strength this past year, with the help of Him, I realized I am worth a hellava lot more then this...I know He doesn't want me nor any of us to suffer...
One thing my Pastor told me so many months ago - He doesn't want you to ever be second best...
Settling for a spouse who cheats on you time and time again - Puts you in the 2nd place spot and I am sorry - It is time for me to be 1st.
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
