Show of hands - expose or not - success stories

[saffie]

I'm reading "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It." My heart just hurts so much for what I've done.

In the section on "the worst things a woman does to a man" - I do half of them.

I want to cry, I just want someone to tell me it's going to be OK, it's not too late to save this and make him feel good again.

Excluding him from important decisions
Robbing him of the opportunity to help
Correcting what he said
Questioning his judgment
Giving him unsolicited advice
Ignoring his advice
Implying inadequacy
Making unrealistic demands of his time and energy
Overreacting
Ignoring his basic needs
Withholding praise
Using a harsh tone
Interrupting him

Guys, I'm so very sad right now. I want to hug him and tell him I'm so very sorry. Should I write it into a letter to him? Should I tell him? Should I just leave it alone?

I am going to shamefully admit I did pretty much all those things you listed too - and I was/am a 'kept' woman.

I don't want you to think I didn't "get" what you told me. I did, I just needed time to think and absorb.

I've been reading a book that really helped to sink it home to me. I see how critical I've become and I know how that allowed the great love we had to be injured beyond belief. (I can't bring myself to say "die") I'm ready to take the responsibility for my actions and say I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry for all the pain and disconnect I caused you. I know how I caused this disconnect to push you away so our intimacy became painful for you. My greatest regret is that you've said it's too late to give this marriage another chance.

I just want you to know that the feelings in the beginning I had of worthlessness that you tried to get through to me - you did. I'm sorry if your perception is that you didn't because you always made me feel special, loved, cared for, protected. I felt safe with you. You didn't fail that at all. Every little note you wrote, ever little thing, I kept. You protected my eyes from the sun. Inside I'm still that sweet, caring, extremely sensitive girl and the direction that our M has taken caused me to hide that because I was afraid.

Personally I would send it. I sent my H something very similar - infact it's what made him open up and tell me he was having an A. It's what made him change direction. He could see that perhaps there was hope in our M as I was admitting my faults - I had made him feel I didn't need him and my letter was a 180 and showed him I did. He also responded positively to my vulnerability - it brought out the protective instinct in him.

He still wanted to let OW down gently, but after the initial week of ups and downs was over he realised he couldn't do that. he did ask initially if he could see both OW and me so he could make a decision - yep like that was going to happen - I stamped on that decision. Had to be a straight choice.....but it had to be an informed choice.....he needed to know what I was feeling inside too- my regrets, my hopes for the future etc. If I didn't tell him then how would he know?

If he chucks it back in your face - what have you lost - he's not exactly acting well anyways. But at least you will have tried. However, I would say, he HAS TO to get rid of OW if he does decide to work on the M - and he has to prove that has happened - NC and complete transparency. If he feels he has to do it nicely then let him. My H wrote OW an email that I was cc'd on and it was all about how much he cared for her, and they were two decent people etc, ( ), but he had decided that he needed to be with me. There was much more in it and it was all very sweet and sickly, but I just bit my lip. I wanted to write" Hey B!tch, your out now sling your hook, you gold digger"....but I didn't - I still think it though and I hate OW.

Took my H a year before one day, out of the blue, he suddenly said what an awful woman OW was and he couldn't believe what he had done and he was SO sorry. He had apologised many times before.....but that apology was different. ( I should say that in my sitch my H was CEO and OW was one of his staff - she hunted him down. There is no excuse that he didn't rebuff her, but she was out for all she thought she could get).

I should also state that my H made all correspondence between OW and himself from the day he told me of the A, and historical communications, open to me. Any future communication she tried to make was sent to me too and finally lawyers got involved.