I agree with you both, especially the part about me giving good advice to myself
Update:
Well, something happened that kinda spurred a phone R talk. I was looking at our finances and noticed a big charge to a bar that my wife sometimes goes to with the "friends". She claimed she wasn't going there last night. I called her because I wanted to make sure it was a legit charge. She said it sorta was but she was pissed because it was supposed to be split between 4 people. She said it was a bad sitch (cuz we don't have much cash as it is) and kept going on about how pissed she was that it happened that way. I guess I took that ball and ran with it, suggesting that maybe these new friends, who she has claimed have some money of their own, maybe are not all they say they are. Maybe they are taking advantage of her. She didn't totally disagree. I then was rolling (2x4 please) and said that I wondered what good was coming out of this group? She asked what I meant. I said that there have been several "bad" things that have happened (she lost her wallet.. it was found, she got a ride home from someone she claims not to know, she fell and really messed up her toe) not to mention the damage to our marriage. I asked what was so special about being around them that was worth those things? What was so great about THEM that it took priority over our family? She asked what I meant by that. I reminded her that 2-3 times now that she's gone out with them it was when we had plans as a family. She claimed not to see it that way but clearly it got her thinking. I still had not mentioned OM... and then did I did.
I said that while she claims there is nothing going on, she is acting exactly as she did when she was in the affair. She's keeping her phone on her 24/7 or if it's not in her purse/pocket, it's upside down plugged in. She turns it away whenever anyone calls or texts. She is lying about where she goes, and in the beginning, who she's with, and worst of all, she doesn't seem to care how it affects our family. I said that all sounds like someone seeing someone again. She immediately said that was not true. She said it's not true now, nor will it ever be with this guy. Once again she said he was just part of the group.
I then asked her, if that was the case, why the "group" made her feel like not wearing her wedding rings? She claims she usually does and doesn't remember why/when she took them off last night.
I think at that point I switched gears and said something to the effect of I know how much I have messed up in terms of going back to my old ways and I was working to fix that. Not great DBing (well, much of this isn't I suppose) but I felt it was necessary to let her know that I was not just blaming her for our problems.
I told her that I WANTED her to have friends, but that I wished her friends valued our marriage. She said that since her marriage and me were not topics of conversation for them, it wasn't an issue at all. I said that simply based on her not wearing her rings, and another man giving her a ride, calling/texting her several times, I was fairly sure at least one person in the group was not supportive of our marriage. She asked what I meant. I told her that any man who doesn't understand the damage that calling/texting/hanging with a married woman without at least even meeting her husband is either an idiot or not at all interested in the success of her marriage. I left the obvious unsaid.
She also made a point to challenge me on my assertion that what she was doing was damaging to the FAMILY. She said it was just me that had the problem. I told her that if she really believe that all the emotions and questions S9 has about this (and he has noticed things are going on and asked us about it) are because I put him up to it, you're sadly mistaken. I told her to ask him. He is not stupid, and even at 9 knows that it's strange for HIS mommy to go out and not come home until odd hours of the night, etc. I know it's something that probably a lot of people do but he knows that her doing it, and the way it's being done seems strange. It really bothered him when she bailed on us on Easter. It's somewhat our fault because we discussed it in front of the kids a couple times. Not doing that anymore if at all possible.
At no point was this an argument. Voices were not raised. She did address things somewhat, but the response was the same most of the time; "you are over reacting as you always do. These are just friends, nothing more. Yes, he texts me, etc but it's always in the context of the group."
My worst, non-db move came at that point. I said "well then show me the texts if there is nothing to hide" Stop hiding your phone, etc. She said all that was because I am always snooping. Not really true but... I said, well, if you are hiding something, who's wrong?
In the end I just told her that everything I felt was about wanting us both to be happy, and obviously our marriage to succeed. I hoped she wanted that too, and she said she did so...
Anyway, it was a LOT to type and read but was only about a 5-10 min convo. I think it may actually have done some good, especially since I was able to stay calm and though I didn't type it as much, I did manage to stay validating and expressed my firm desire for her to be a social person again but that she do it with people who were going to be supportive of her as a woman, person, and yes, as wife.
We finished by talking some about bills but the last thing I said was that ultimately I understand that these things are not under my control and I don't want to try to control them anymore.
2x4's are welcome but I am not sure they are necessary. That's not for me to decide I suppose
JUST IN: W just texted and asked me to come home from work early... could be good or bad.
