I don't want you to think I didn't "get" what you told me. I did, I just needed time to think and absorb.
I've been reading a book that really helped to sink it home to me. I see how critical I've become and I know how that allowed the great love we had to be injured beyond belief. (I can't bring myself to say "die") I'm ready to take the responsibility for my actions and say I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry for all the pain and disconnect I caused you. I know how I caused this disconnect to push you away so our intimacy became painful for you. My greatest regret is that you've said it's too late to give this marriage another chance.
I just want you to know that the feelings in the beginning I had of worthlessness that you tried to get through to me - you did. I'm sorry if your perception is that you didn't because you always made me feel special, loved, cared for, protected. I felt safe with you. You didn't fail that at all. Every little note you wrote, ever little thing, I kept. You protected my eyes from the sun. Inside I'm still that sweet, caring, extremely sensitive girl and the direction that our M has taken caused me to hide that because I was afraid.
What I did with my wife was if there was any communication that went on :
1. I owned anything she called me on that I DID do wrong. It disarmed her immediately 2. I followed through with "THAT is past mistakes. Right NOW what am I doing wrong and what are YOU doing wrong?" 3. I finished up with the confrontation script - "YOU are HURTING ME, you are HURTING our FAMILY, you are HURTING yoru FRIENDS...etc
If he complains about something legitimiate then own it, but don't fall at his feet apologizing, he's mounting another woman behind your back.. you need to preserve your dignity or he is gonna walk all over you.
My wife was bringign mistakes I made TEN YEARS prior to the affair that I had NOT repeated... I was quick to ask her "do you have anything recent? Because you reek of cheat RIGHT NOW so your ten year old complaints don't really carry a lot of credibility on this side of the fence..."
I'm reading "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It." My heart just hurts so much for what I've done.
In the section on "the worst things a woman does to a man" - I do half of them.
I want to cry, I just want someone to tell me it's going to be OK, it's not too late to save this and make him feel good again.
Excluding him from important decisions Robbing him of the opportunity to help Correcting what he said Questioning his judgment Giving him unsolicited advice Ignoring his advice Implying inadequacy Making unrealistic demands of his time and energy Overreacting Ignoring his basic needs Withholding praise Using a harsh tone Interrupting him
Guys, I'm so very sad right now. I want to hug him and tell him I'm so very sorry. Should I write it into a letter to him? Should I tell him? Should I just leave it alone?
I am going to shamefully admit I did pretty much all those things you listed too - and I was/am a 'kept' woman.
Quote:
I don't want you to think I didn't "get" what you told me. I did, I just needed time to think and absorb.
I've been reading a book that really helped to sink it home to me. I see how critical I've become and I know how that allowed the great love we had to be injured beyond belief. (I can't bring myself to say "die") I'm ready to take the responsibility for my actions and say I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry for all the pain and disconnect I caused you. I know how I caused this disconnect to push you away so our intimacy became painful for you. My greatest regret is that you've said it's too late to give this marriage another chance.
I just want you to know that the feelings in the beginning I had of worthlessness that you tried to get through to me - you did. I'm sorry if your perception is that you didn't because you always made me feel special, loved, cared for, protected. I felt safe with you. You didn't fail that at all. Every little note you wrote, ever little thing, I kept. You protected my eyes from the sun. Inside I'm still that sweet, caring, extremely sensitive girl and the direction that our M has taken caused me to hide that because I was afraid.
Personally I would send it. I sent my H something very similar - infact it's what made him open up and tell me he was having an A. It's what made him change direction. He could see that perhaps there was hope in our M as I was admitting my faults - I had made him feel I didn't need him and my letter was a 180 and showed him I did. He also responded positively to my vulnerability - it brought out the protective instinct in him.
He still wanted to let OW down gently, but after the initial week of ups and downs was over he realised he couldn't do that. he did ask initially if he could see both OW and me so he could make a decision - yep like that was going to happen - I stamped on that decision. Had to be a straight choice.....but it had to be an informed choice.....he needed to know what I was feeling inside too- my regrets, my hopes for the future etc. If I didn't tell him then how would he know?
If he chucks it back in your face - what have you lost - he's not exactly acting well anyways. But at least you will have tried. However, I would say, he HAS TO to get rid of OW if he does decide to work on the M - and he has to prove that has happened - NC and complete transparency. If he feels he has to do it nicely then let him. My H wrote OW an email that I was cc'd on and it was all about how much he cared for her, and they were two decent people etc, ( ), but he had decided that he needed to be with me. There was much more in it and it was all very sweet and sickly, but I just bit my lip. I wanted to write" Hey B!tch, your out now sling your hook, you gold digger"....but I didn't - I still think it though and I hate OW.
Took my H a year before one day, out of the blue, he suddenly said what an awful woman OW was and he couldn't believe what he had done and he was SO sorry. He had apologised many times before.....but that apology was different. ( I should say that in my sitch my H was CEO and OW was one of his staff - she hunted him down. There is no excuse that he didn't rebuff her, but she was out for all she thought she could get).
I should also state that my H made all correspondence between OW and himself from the day he told me of the A, and historical communications, open to me. Any future communication she tried to make was sent to me too and finally lawyers got involved.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
If he chucks it back in your face - what have you lost -
Dignity and self respect for starters, which has been trodden on my WS already. He wont' even ACKNOWLEDGE he's cheating, he keeps avoiding it and redirecting... very different from your sitation.
Originally Posted By: saffie
Took my H a year before one day, out of the blue, he suddenly said what an awful woman OW was and he couldn't believe what he had done and he was SO sorry. He had apologised many times before.....but that apology was different.
I should also state that my H made all correspondence between OW and himself from the day he told me of the A, and historical communications, open to me. Any future communication she tried to make was sent to me too and finally lawyers got involved.
Again very different from this situation. Your H was man enough to acknowledge what he was doing and own it from the start... Pass' husband is completely deluded still.
I am all for Pass writing him a letter and owning the choices she's made, but I stronly believe that this must be followed up with the standard confrontation statement in the same letter.
I have made mistakes over the years... I have done a, b, and c. We both made a lot of mistakes. It is time we took ownership of those, you are absolutely correct.
Now, you are hurting ME by doing x, y, and z.
Please stop your infidelity.
Something like that.
- And bear in mind anything written down he may very well just forward to OW... she may even have his email account credentials and be checking his mail for him. Another risk of writing him given how demonstrably controlling she's been. When you write him, you risk looking desperate to her.
I don't know, I think H doesn't think I "heard" him and he's very hurt inside and he may need to know that I did hear him, I'm taking responsibility for the part of the M I wrecked, and that I'm sorry for it. I kind of think he won't be able to heal from this until I do that.
The A is separate from any pain I inflicted. The A is the symptom, right? No, it's not right that he did it, but it's done and nothing I can do to change that.
I decided to take a large leap of faith, to change myself and leave H up to himself and God. I just hope I'm not too late.
My wife was bringign mistakes I made TEN YEARS prior to the affair that I had NOT repeated... I was quick to ask her "do you have anything recent? Because you reek of cheat RIGHT NOW so your ten year old complaints don't really carry a lot of credibility on this side of the fence..."
Totally agree! He's bringing up mistakes from 12 years ago, things I didn't even REMEMBER - but his emotions are raw now and real now. I will bring up the 12 year old problem.
I don't know, I think H doesn't think I "heard" him and he's very hurt inside and he may need to know that I did hear him, I'm taking responsibility for the part of the M I wrecked, and that I'm sorry for it. I kind of think he won't be able to heal from this until I do that.
The A is separate from any pain I inflicted. The A is the symptom, right? No, it's not right that he did it, but it's done and nothing I can do to change that.
), but he had decided that he needed to be with me. There was much more in it and it was all very sweet and sickly, but I just bit my lip. I wanted to write" Hey B!tch, your out now sling your hook, you gold digger"....but I didn't - I still think it though and I hate OW.