embracing change

[kara]

Flo

Hope you are well today.

Kalni makes a good point.

The WAS is human and despite being seemingly full of resolve and a full steam ahead attitude is in some cases suspectible to second thoughts and the implanting of new ideas.

In the classic WAS/LBS dynamic, the LBS gets caught up in "not reacting" or not wanting to seem as if they are noticing the WAS. What would you have done if you saw FloDad wearing those shoes in normal circumstances? Maybe said something like "Nice shoes!" and winked or laughed? I don't think that there is anything wrong with a few selective instances of "normal" behavior or interaction. It shows that you are still on even keel and capable of a fun, light, playful moment. The LBS tends to forget "fun" and can become very "dour". True for all of us!!!

[kara]

Not to say that YOU are dour, Flo. Just that we can all become uptight all the time. Not good for any of us!

[flowmom]

If I knew that in a year H and I would be reconciled, I'd be able to feel OK and make the best of my situation.

I will peer into my magic crystal ball and tell you that with 95%* certainty that in a year you will be significantly happier than you are now and at some point, you will be happier than you've ever been before or thought possible. So, now that you know the future, you can stick that "make the best of it" on your To Do list, ok?

Thanks Freckle . My mind knows this. I need to trust it now.

[flowmom]

Thanks for the insights on WAS psychology. It's funny how yesterday I veered into feeling kind of shell-shocked around H. Yes, need to get back to feeling my own power around him.

rr it wouldn't surprise me if the children have met an OW as a "friend". There already was the incident of D3 talking about H's pink-wearing female friend from the martial arts club. About a week after H moved out I asked for a boundary of NC between the children and people we were dating. He said that he'd have to think about it then never followed up.

I am feeling more resigned to the idea of D. It's hard to imagine a different outcome at this point. Although I yearn for my H, I'm tired of the rejection...which is not new, it's something that has dragged me down for years. H is a major grudgeholder and someone who has demonstrated that he can make drastic 180 changes in his life within short periods of time. He also has a lot of support for making the transition to divorced dad, from his fellow firefighters, and he had no support for working things out in our M. I just don't see him choosing to do the work that would be necessary for us to reconcile.

[flowmom]

H joined a FB page of a mortgage broker .

[Number 8]

I am feeling more resigned to the idea of D. It's hard to imagine a different outcome at this point. Although I yearn for my H, I'm tired of the rejection...

I feel like this at times, too, flowmom. My H is so negative at this point that I have a hard time imagining his coming out of it.

The rejection I feel is painful, too. To use words I've used before about my feelings, I feel very betrayed and abandoned. I don't like feeling like I'm not worth the effort or that our marriage is disposable. Do you feel this way, too?

[flowmom]

Yes I do 8. But I do feel my detachment growing. H can't determine my worth. I never should have put up with what I put up with in my M. The constant sleep deprivation and parenting challenges and rejection put me in a fog where I stopped having any expectations of my M. I let H off the hook.

[ImprovedRomeo]

I am feeling more resigned to the idea of D. It's hard to imagine a different outcome at this point. Although I yearn for my H, I'm tired of the rejection...which is not new, it's something that has dragged me down for years. H is a major grudgeholder and someone who has demonstrated that he can make drastic 180 changes in his life within short periods of time. He also has a lot of support for making the transition to divorced dad, from his fellow firefighters, and he had no support for working things out in our M. I just don't see him choosing to do the work that would be necessary for us to reconcile.

I could've written that word for word about my W. She holds grudges, she has a support network and she'd rather run from than work on the issues.

FM, if it makes you feel more in control by imagining D as a probable outcome why not? It makes me feel a bit more 'prepared' when I realize the worst thing that can happen is D. in fact, I think D might actually be good for her. She'll get exactly what she wants. She might think of D as a door she has to open to get to the other side which she believes is a happier life. So I want to let her...I know it won't make things a whole lot different for me than they are now and I'm feeling OK in my own skin. Maybe not ideal but OK. Financially who knows how it'll affect me but I can't worry about stuff beyond my control...or I should try not to anyway.

Having said that, don't give up hope completely just accept things how they are for now but things can change drastically in an instant. Believe that.

[Number 8]

I'm glad to read that you feel your detachment growing. I have good days and bad days with my detachment. I'm looking forward to more visits with my IC so that I can improve my skills here.

Thanks for saying that your H can't determine your worth. This is something I needed to hear. My H can't determine my worth, either, and I need to keep this in the forefront of my mind.

[flowmom]

Well, not feeling great about this but asked the kids where they went for dinner last night. It turns out that they went to a store/cafeteria and ate dinner with a woman, "V", and her daughter who I know. S6 said that's the second time they've gone there. The daughter is in S6's homeschooling class. The woman recently suddenly separated from her H in the fall. She was looking for work and H hired her to do some bookkeeping before our separation, and he also added her as a FB friend about a month ago. Mutual support? More? Ugh. It's weird that he would meet with a mutual acquaintance but make a big deal about not telling me last night.