The journey begins

[ClingingToHope]

Yes. Gardener. I've read that line before. In a way, I feel like I've failed. When I met W's mom and interacted with her family, alarm bells were going off in my head.

But I was really in love/lust and I thought being around me would change her.

Now, I realize I'm no bed of roses to live with. I present a happy go lucky face to the world and am moody at home. When I don't get my way, I pout. I'm not perfect.

That last line is the key. I'm not perfect yet the first time W talked about her mom, she said her mom is perfect. Now, MIL is a nice lady but far, far, far from perfect.

The person W is today is becoming an awful like her mom. Suspicious of everyone. A control freak. She retreats to her world of romance novels rather than actually talk to anyone.

And the last thing is I shouldn't have married her hoping to change her. That's what really scares me about the future. Is that what I'm going to fall for again? Someone who needs me more than they want me?

I looked back at my serious relationships. I really respected the intelligence of my first serious girlfriend, my college girlfriend and the lady I dated right before W. And I got along great with all three. They all ended for weird reasons.

But the key I think is respecting their intelligence. W didn't go to college and she has a chip on her shoulder with people who do. She's an extremely hard worker and I do respect that. But we never really had long conversations about things because she'd either clam up or I'd say something stupid to cut things off. The only common interest we had was watching ER and that ended years ago. We had a couple great summers running together, but she stopped doing that. After that, we've been living separate lives really.

The longer this goes on the more clear-headed I am in looking at the past. There was just no conversation, no laughter. It still doesn't mean I don't want to try again. Why can't I get past that?