I keep wondering why I can't past her/this?...I promised to love, honor and obey this woman and I want to keep that promise. I'm just such a fixer. I think I can fix everything. I keep believing buried under all the depression and anger is the person I married nearly 14 years ago.
But I was still responding to a memory of someone long gone.
In Getting Past Your Breakup, Susan J. Elliott says:
"But above all else: forget this person you fell in love with. They are never coming back. The person who LEFT YOU is more in line with who this person REALLY is than the person you fell in love with."
Tough. Tough to swallow. To accept. But more often than not this is dead on.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Kerry, we bought the house in 1997 for $89,000. We now owe $125,000 on it. We refinanced twice and had an equity line of credit once.
The flood in 2007 was devastating -- both financially and stress wise.
Even though we had flood insurance it didn't cover nearly enough so we had to do a bunch of things to pay for the repairs, including gutting my retirement accounts.
The house is going to bankrupt W. Even if she's successful and gets every dime she's asking for the house will bury her. Before I moved out I made a list of things that needed improving/fixing. W always likes to tinker and was happiest when decorating, painting, etc. After the flood, we didn't have money for any of that. So I hoped last year by starting up on house improvements again it would lift her out of her funk. Obviously, it was too late.
Anyway, the list of things that needed to be done was 25 items long and I estimated would cost $75,000. It was sobering.
I've told her it'd be best if she stopped paying the mortgage, tried a short sale and started over with something smaller. But she is stubborn and won't listen to me anymore.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Were you one of those river-affected communities? OUCH!
I'm sorry about the flood. I remember the pics. We are actually on the river, but up high, so no issues. It was close then, though! I was so scared. Guess I won't b*tch about replacing the lawn!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Yes. Gardener. I've read that line before. In a way, I feel like I've failed. When I met W's mom and interacted with her family, alarm bells were going off in my head.
But I was really in love/lust and I thought being around me would change her.
Now, I realize I'm no bed of roses to live with. I present a happy go lucky face to the world and am moody at home. When I don't get my way, I pout. I'm not perfect.
That last line is the key. I'm not perfect yet the first time W talked about her mom, she said her mom is perfect. Now, MIL is a nice lady but far, far, far from perfect.
The person W is today is becoming an awful like her mom. Suspicious of everyone. A control freak. She retreats to her world of romance novels rather than actually talk to anyone.
And the last thing is I shouldn't have married her hoping to change her. That's what really scares me about the future. Is that what I'm going to fall for again? Someone who needs me more than they want me?
I looked back at my serious relationships. I really respected the intelligence of my first serious girlfriend, my college girlfriend and the lady I dated right before W. And I got along great with all three. They all ended for weird reasons.
But the key I think is respecting their intelligence. W didn't go to college and she has a chip on her shoulder with people who do. She's an extremely hard worker and I do respect that. But we never really had long conversations about things because she'd either clam up or I'd say something stupid to cut things off. The only common interest we had was watching ER and that ended years ago. We had a couple great summers running together, but she stopped doing that. After that, we've been living separate lives really.
The longer this goes on the more clear-headed I am in looking at the past. There was just no conversation, no laughter. It still doesn't mean I don't want to try again. Why can't I get past that?
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Clinging, often the separate lives thing is because our spouses decided they wanted no part of us long before we realized it. I remember one of my togetherness brainstorms was for us to do ballroom dance lessons. She'd always wanted to do so and I'd always said NO WAY. I decided that it might be a nice way for us to work on learning something new together that had nothing to do with our R, so I re-introduced the idea. To do BR dance you have to work as a team, so I thought it might actually help our M...wrong!!! Actually it was a little microcosm of our M, she would criticize my dancing and was never happy with anything I did. Fun wow! Finally, I ended up blowing up at her on the dance floor while other couples danced around us. The instructor had to intercede as we argued loudly. My W had already decided that our M was done like dinner but I was still trying to fix things. When do you finally accept that it's over? Who knows, it's different for all of us. Again, it comes and goes but eventually you recogtnize that your life needs to move on. You'll get there but there's no magic formula. Hang in and be patient with yourself!
What if the court required that the house be sold and the profit or loss be split? I realize you mentioned that there is considerable repair costs and the added refinance, but those may be offset by the increase in value of the home.
I just dont want to see you giving up something just because it brings you sad memories.
Kerry, in my response to her initial offer we said we wanted to give her a year to refinance and get my name off of it or she had to put it on the market -- and he added a sentence saying most likely it's in everyone's best interest to do a "short sale."
Mindfull, the house is in a small town north of the city you live on a creek that feeds into the river. That August 2007 overwhelmed the banks and had water rush three feet high into the basement.
W was at her parents campground with the girls so I had to rip out all of the flood soaked carpet and drag it to the curb by myself. The repairs took six months and significantly added to the stress.
I was taking lots of hours off to meet with contractors, drive things over to W so she didn't have to leave work. She doesn't remember any of that. She remembers that I made all of these decisions on my own without consulting her.
Really? She asked for and got me to agree to two signficant alterations that added $7,500 to the cost.
But this, I hope, will be her anchor. I'm still guessing she ends up losing the house before she gets my name off of it.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Weird, panicky feeling today. Few things. I'm dreading next Tuesday. I'm guessing I'll get a feeling of how I'll be treated in court when we discuss finances in the temporary order. She is seeking the state guidelines for child support would be even more than I'm paying now -- and I'm barely getting by.
If the judge shows leniency in the temporary order I'll feel better about my chances. The next day is mediation session No. 2 and I'm hoping to do a better job of keeping my mouth shut. I'm hoping the mediator can guide us back to where we were in February.
So that's hanging over me. Also, this is really strange, I dread Saturday afternoons now on weekends I don't have the girls. I'm so not used to dead time that I hate having it. Luckily, a friend wants me to go play softball with him and that'll fill up the day and then I have a singles group thing Saturday night through Meetup.com. It'll be the first one I've tried.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Hey, it's understandable that you're a bit anxious! It's normal. I also understand your dislike for those times when you don't have your girls. I have mine every second week and have to battle that empty feeling at times when they aren't there. By keeping yourself active you're doing the right thing. We need to keep a balance in our lives and learn to enjoy time alone as well as time with the kids, friends, activities. It takes time. Sometimes I'm OK with it all and other times not so. Good luck at Meetup!
