IF she is in MLC, you sounded controlling even to me (not in MLC). And that is just from reading text which doesn't convey any of the social interaction nuances.
Look SHOULD she be concerned about your concerns? I'd say in a healthy marriage...yes. But...that isn't the case right now.
As for home, look you know what works and what doesn't, you also know what you need to KILL inyourself to make this work. Scream in the car! Pick up a hobby on the way home...do you have an Xbox 360? : ) Pick up bad company 2 if you do.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Thanks man! You are being such a great help. I truly didn't know if I would find that again here. I already have BC2 AND MW2 so I can do lots of damage
Here's the truth. I snooped a bit and looked at our phone records. We share an account. I know she's texted him a lot before lunch time and then nada. I also know she didn't return my calls during that time. Put 2 and 2 together. That's why I am stewing. Not helpful for me to snoop. That's why I posted that earlier.
I WANT to ask her to show me the texts but I suppose that would be a bad thing I will go scream, then try to act "as if" I am not a raging ball of tension.
I see. Those are assumptions...coincidental assumptions...and I totally understand the logical path you're making. But...still an assumption that is going to ruin the rest of your day. Right?
Jack3Beans CTC
you know for Battlefield.
I live in Alaska...so its 4 hours behind EST. I am normally on around 4:30 my time 8:30 EST and for the other time zones do the math. But...I do not DB at home, or while I am killing other people. : )
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Wow, how technology has changed since my last time here. Posting from my phone W is going out tonight. She wants us to take her and pick her up so she doesn't have to drive and om won't be involved. I was fairly good but did bring up my feelings. She said she understood and was trying to do what she can to prove there is nothing to worry about. Says what her sis is doing is totally different. I just aggreed and left to pick up kids from karate. I feel ok. All my anger is gone. So far I am at peace and looking to spend some time with the boys
W is out, kids are in bed and I am fine. I have not called or texted her at all, a big thing for me. Usually I find something to text her about by now. Anyway, W just texted that she will be ready to come home soon. That's normal but so is what usually happens now. One of our big issues is communication when she's out. My part of the bargain is that I don't constantly call/text. Her's is to keep me posted if she's going to be late, etc. So far, so good but now is the time she has, in the past, gone "dark" after saying she'd be home soon, then being unreachable for a few hours, only to turn up again saying she just didn't hear her phone, etc. Not likely but...
Anyway, as Jack said, I need to stop the expectations. I have work to do, which will keep my mind off things and I will just deal with what actually happens, not what I expect to happen. Thanks for that Jack.
GH Good job on not texting or calling W. Keep it up even if she happens to stay out later. Let her call you. I`ve learned NOT to assume anymore, my imagination is vivid.
Thanks. Yea, my imagination is spectacularly good at conjuring up stuff that in all likelyhood isn't happening. She's still out but I good. GALing nicely, getting work done, ect. A FAR cry from how I've been the other times she's been out. I forgot how much comfort you all could be, and more than that, how much I am able to comfort myself.
Dude, I still don't understand why she's out having fun and you're moping around the house. What do you guys do for fun together? How do you make her feel special (other than acting like a jealous, needy introvert)? Just out of curiousity, what did you do, socially, that turned her other friends off so much? How did you feel about that - was it a fair analysis?
I've been checking out meetup.com groups. Maybe you should look on there and see if anything sounds like fun. Suggest a get-together to her as a way to get out and experience new things. Spend some light-hearted - let's have fun - not talk about R - time together.
As someone who went down the drinking path, I'd be aware of that one. Drinking is an escape. I say that, though, with caution. You aren't going to run off and text her about it, are you? Or want to turn it into a R talk when she gets home? Cause that'd be a bad bad move.
Dude, I still don't understand why she's out having fun and you're moping around the house.
I am not moping around the house. That's the point. I actually have a ton of work to do. That's HER point. I always have work do to whether I am here or gone. She is home or with the kids most of the time. These times out (if we are to assume they are innocent) are her only real time with non-family adults. I have that actually way too much in my life with 2 jobs dealing extensively with people.
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What do you guys do for fun together?
A lot of what we do is centered around the boys but after the last bad times, we both found out how important it is to get some time to ourselves. That said, it's been tough lately to find time, and that's mostly my fault. I really let that priority fall by the wayside when I became more comfortable again. Yes Jack, I admit that
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How do you make her feel special (other than acting like a jealous, needy introvert)?
Wow. Ouch Pretty much hit that one. Actually that's not true. There are kinda two "me's". There's the one that is always "on" when I am around people. I can be the life of the party or at least the conversation. I can be charming, funny, witty and ok to be around. There there's the "me" that really enjoys chilling, especially when I have been doing the social thing all day. That's the me my wife normally gets. The me who would rather stay in because I've been out all day. She is ready to go, and I am ready to chill.
As for what I do to make her feel special, I'd like to think I am a very attentive person but I know that she doesn't really thrive on that. She loves to travel, get out and go. We have just not had the time or money to do much of that lately.
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Just out of curiousity, what did you do, socially, that turned her other friends off so much? How did you feel about that - was it a fair analysis?
She is 100% correct in her analysis. I was a jerk, and telling more of that story (sorry... going long again) would shed a lot of light on this current sitch.
She had a group of friends in college. Some couples, some single people, mostly European (she is a brit and VERY eurocentric). The all liked to get together and cook, drink wine and chat. Occasionally they would go out together. Anyway, I guess I just didn't fit in, or didn't work hard enough to. I just wanted to spend time with her alone and she wanted to spend time with the group. Then there was "the guy" in the group. Skipping ahead to years later, this guy turned out to seriously never be more than a friend, and eventually, yes, a friend of mine but at the time, when I first was around them, I suspected he was more. It caused me to act like a jealous ass and laid down what my wife claims is her entire rationale for not trusting me in these situations.
When I was around them I would just sulk and not really talk too much, basically counting down the minutes when we could leave. Nice, huh? I really had to face this aspect of myself in IC and I think I did. Too bad I forgot all that self discovery
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I've been checking out meetup.com groups. Maybe you should look on there and see if anything sounds like fun. Suggest a get-together to her as a way to get out and experience new things. Spend some light-hearted - let's have fun - not talk about R - time together.
We do a lot together as a family and even as a couple. We enjoy concerts and have been to a few in the past couple months. It's not for lack of ideas, it's lack of time and money that's been holding us back.
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As someone who went down the drinking path, I'd be aware of that one. Drinking is an escape. I say that, though, with caution. You aren't going to run off and text her about it, are you? Or want to turn it into a R talk when she gets home? Cause that'd be a bad bad move.
I am not texting or calling at the moment. As predicted though, she's not called in like 2 hours after the last text saying she'd call in a bit to get a ride home. Oh well, I am going to try something I have not been able to do yet and just sit tight. She'll call and then I'll go from there.
