Today was an unusual down-turn for me....actually went home and straight to bed before it could get full-blown.
You have all read the issues S14 is having in school. He is challenging me a lot, but is also loving and open with me at other times (so I don't outright kill him?).
Well, this morning, he decided he couldn't go to school because he was supposed to wear his ROTC uniform, and the pants are now a little short, since he is growing like a weed. I suggested going in with the uniform pants and exchanging them as soon as he got into the building. Refused... Told him to go in anyway, suck it up and get the demerit - he was NOT staying home from school because of clothing, especially since I had reminded him to check the uniform on Monday night. Refused.
He is suddenly 6" taller than me. I mean, last summer, I looked over his head. I can't physically force him to do anything. And he has gotten passive aggressive down pretty well, moving at a snail's pace when he is told to do something until I resort to the counting to three thing. So, he slugged along until the bus was gone. I am getting myself and D10 ready for school.
Finally, I told him that if he wasn't going to school, he wasn't sitting home with the tv and computer all day - I took him with me to my school, had him do his schoolwork all day and help with my classes occasionally. He is also grounded through the weekend.
Now, the problem.
He texted his father to let him know he stayed home. His father called him multiple times until he got on the phone, then "ripped him a new one," twice throughout the day. Insisted he wanted to talk with me at lunch.
So, I called him. We spoke for about 20 minutes. He wanted to know why I didn't call him right away for help in the morning (he said he would have gotten to him then, or even driven back from work an hour to drag him to school). I told him again about the recent challenges, and that it might not be something that he wants to hear, but it is some of the fallout from the divorce - we are no longer a united force, the man role-model is no longer a constant. I said that I was frustrated on many levels, especially since raising our kids was something that we had been so good with. I did let some of the anger and blaming seep through; I know it. I told him that S14 doesn't really care all that much what he thinks about him (a half-truth....more of a projection of mine that what my son has actually expressed, I think), so him getting into it all the time would have limited effects, anyway.
He said it isn't that he is putting down my parenting, just that he wants to help, to be more involved. That I should call him each and every time, whenever I get challenged. I don't think he realizes how often that would be.
And here is when I start feeling like sh!t.....
I am still angry. Angry that my kids have to deal with this. Angry, too, with being abandoned, pushed aside, and now this man wants to work together and be friendly. I know it is only because of the kids. I can keep these feelings at bay when I have no contact.
I just want him to go away. I don't want his help.
Those pain-in-the-a$$ feelings try to well up...be a friend and maybe he will "see." Maybe he will be sorry. Maybe he will realize what he left behind.
Where does this COME from? I go back to the list of crappy things he did, my gratitude list for the life I currently have. Emotions suck. Loving someone sucks.
It comes up within me again, wanting to sit down with him and talk, explain how angry I am, how it gets in the way of us doing anything together about the kids, wondering if he really is happier the way things are now (of course, NO indication that this isn't the case! He just took that woman and her 4 kids down to Easter with all his sibs - I've given up on relationships with any of them, at this point, an easier thing to let go, given the current perspective I now have).
My head screams, USELESS, BACKWARDS, A PATH TO BEING MISERABLE AGAIN BECAUSE I CAN'T FIX IT OR CHANGE IT. (My IC has asked me in the past - what is it about me that has this irrepressible drive to fix things? I haven't been able to wrap my head around that, yet). Smart brain is pretty sure that the limits he has displayed show that he just isn't worth it, that he isn't capable of emotional growth, etc, that I deserve better. Shows at least traits of narcissism.
So, I feel torn, guilty. Am I being selfish in keeping it all to text and email? Not wanting to get him involved in the day-to-day issues with the kids? Or have I doomed an awakening?
I don't know what direction to go in, now. I know what I WANT - him to either go away so I can stay sane, or for him to have some kind of awakening, some remorse....and then what? I don't even know. Neither of those seem plausible.
But I know that dealing with him as things are, going along with the life he chose for himself (and inadvertently, me) without saying anything........I haven't been able to do that - it is crazy-making.
I think that, rather than coming to acceptance, I was back in denial, again. Pretending that he was dead, or something...anything other than making peace with what is. Explains why I still dream of taking her head off at the shoulders. Dreams suck.
Quote:
When you're dreaming with a broken heart The waking up is the hardest part You roll outta bed and down on your knees And for the moment you can hardly breathe Wondering was she really here? Is she standing in my room? No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
When you're dreaming with a broken heart The giving up is the hardest part She takes you in with your crying eyes Then all at once you have to say goodbye Wondering could you stay my love? Will you wake up by my side? No she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
Have I just been biding time, trying to wait this whole mess out?
I want to do what is best for my kids. Just don't know if I am strong enough to do that..........they need their mother sane, too.
I don't know what to do. Feels like the edge of that slippery slope, again. And I bet he doesn't even have a clue as to what is going through my head.
