I am doing ok, I suppose, although I am emotionally drained. My daughter left for a mini-vacation to Nashville today, and it's the first time since h left that I am alone. So far, so good. Although, I sure do miss being able to sit and talk and watch TV with my h. He was my best friend.
I decided to take out my frustrations on cleaning my house and doing a little yard work. While outside, I got pretty ticked off looking at all the work he has left me to take care of! While he's in his quiet townhouse with no responsibilities.
Last night while out walking my dogs, I had one of those eureka! moments. I remembered my husband telling me he left because he was afraid for his life. He said I kept threatening to kill him in his sleep. Besides the fact that I never said that to him, it's laughable that I would even be a threat to him. I'm not even 5' tall and can't even open up jars very well! LOL! I was standing outside gazing at the clear sky and stars and asked God where in the world did he get that idea? And all of a sudden I thought of his real dad. He beat him as a child, killed his pet rabbit in front of him, basically tortured him. I thought, it certainly wouldn't have been much of a stretch for that man to threaten to kill him. Of course, I'm not certain of that, but it's a closer possibility than anything else I can think of. Of course, I also realize it could just be something in his head and it never happened at all.
Tomorrow I am going to Columbus to meet with a counselor at a church to talk about all of this. The counselor happens to be my husband's ex-next door neighbor and childhood friend. He was also the best man in our wedding. When I called him, he was shocked that this had happened to us. Everyone is. We were the couple that had disagreements, but no one ever thought we would divorce. I am just hoping he can fill in the gaps in my husband's childhood that I don't know about. And, perhaps he can reconnect with my h and be there to support him.
Today in the mail, I received a statement from my attorney saying she needs $1300.00 by May 1st or she will have to drop me. Well, she might as well have asked for a couple of million bucks! I am still on unemployment; looking for a job, but not getting anything. My h was court ordered to pay me back the retainer I paid, but I only paid half of it. I have been giving her whatever he gives me. I sent him a text letting him know what the statement said, but of course have not heard from him. Don't expect to. I will have to call her tomorrow and see if I can work something out to get her paid. I certainly can't lose my attorney!
My bills are piling up and I am trying not to panic and just rely upon God. Even though He's always on time, I swear He's always late with His answers! LOL! I still have those twilight zone moments when I wonder how in the world I got in all this mess. And how even though my family and friends think it would be much easier just to hate him and move on, I can't do that. Even though I have no guarantee he will ever come back, I will continue to pray and wait out his MLC.
M 55 H 51 Twin Sons-30 D-28 M-32 T-33 Bomb/Moved out-11/06/09 Filed 11/04/09 Trial scheduled 11/08/10
