The journey begins

[Drew]

After, she waited for me on the stairs and threatened to bring up online porn.

She's just looking for leverage.

[ClingingToHope]

I keep wondering why I can't past her/this? Even when it got heated and her anger started pouring out I just wanted to reach over hug her. I promised to love, honor and obey this woman and I want to keep that promise. I'm just such a fixer. I think I can fix everything. I keep believing buried under all the depression and anger is the person I married nearly 14 years ago.

People on this site preach all the time that person is dead. She is gone. It's so, so hard to get it through my thick skull.

A lot of people would have listened to her and said, 'you know what, forget her.' I haven't been able to totally. I have long, long stretches where it's OK, but I keep Clinging To Hope.

One thing I realized is that we're fighting over different things. She wants control. She wants to be able to tell me how things will be and what I can and can't do and can and can't see.

I want time. I could care less about who the schools call first or who sets up doctor appointments. If she wants to take the lead on that, that's fine. I just want time. More of it.

[Drew]

I have long, long stretches where it's OK, but I keep Clinging To Hope.

There is ALWAYS Hope.

But Clinging tends to get in the way of it.

[awest1217]

It really comes down to the fact that all the proof you have been keeping and how much you see the girls and W's schedule she gave you, you really have to bring it to your L and let him take control and make sure you get what you want. You are paying your L to make sure you get joint custody so you need to let him take care of that. I also know in IN the temporary order is just part of the process, but you also need to make sure as was said that the temporary order comes out in your favor or you really will have a harder time getting more. It is important to bring up what the girls are already used to and what the schedule has been the entire school year include how both girls have been doing better in school, except when W filed. Keep everything about the welfare of the girls. Focus on them and do what is best for them.

[kat727]

i am so sorry but the reality of it now is that divorce is business. I was emotional about mine until the very end, when I heard him say under oath he was done. Emotions need to be put aside if possible.

The marriage you had has been beat up pretty bad. I know you want it to work and I do know at least two couples that divorced but then remarried. It does happen. You would have to build a new relationship with your wife as your old would be too unstable to build on.

I know it seems easier to just not have to go there to begin with and even makes sense but it doesn't make sense to your wife. Sometimes you have to lose something to see how much you really cherished it.

hugs, kat

[ClingingToHope]

A lot of people have posted that their relationships improved once the D was done.

Part of me believes once everything is settled that it will be better because things will be spelled out. We've been just kind of floating along and I'm suspicious of her motives and she's suspicious of mine.

But in her case I have a feeling she's going to hate me for the rest of her life. She's always searching for the one thing that will make her happy. A long time ago I was it. When I alone couldn't make her happy I kind of became the reason she was unhappy. I kept trying to do more and more to prove I wasn't.

Several have written that a good divorce settlement is when neither side is happy. Each has to give up more than they thought. I realize I'm not going to get all that I want. I don't think W does. I think if I come OK in this then she'll resent me forever.

I wish we wouldn't have scheduled these things for Wednesdays. It's my night with the girls and my stomach is tied up in knots.

[smith18]

So it sounds like there was not agreement on 50/50 with the kids in mediation. It sounds more like a pissing match on who the better parent is. In that regards, the mediator did not stick to what is important - equal time for the kids with both parents. What did the mediator do other than listen?

It seems that you now are in for a fight that I never had to deal with - custody time with the kids.

Hopefully the status quo as it has been will be a big influence as to the courts decision on custody.

Do you feel confident with your L?

[SecondChance]

CTH,

I hope you took my post OK, I didn't mean to imply that you were not contributing financially!!!

I am sitting way on the outside of your sitch, and I'm seeing that you loved being a family, and you really want 50:50 custody of the kids. I'm also seeing her appear to be very very prepared to try to keep/take that from you. It should not be that way if both parents want to remain close in parenting.

Your friends above have offered you a lot of good advice.

Keep the emotions regarding your M... out of the business end of things..... which is now about the children, and your future with them.

With regards to the house, it is a marital asset. You don't give that away! You can choose to do other things with it, I know you don't want to live there, but talk to your L.

With regards to some of the statements she is making, she would not be the first to say these things, and there must be ways that experienced L's deal with them. Is your L in the room while mediation is going on? Mediation works best when you both already mostly agree to most of the terms, sounds like she doesn't, and she knows you don't, and she's trying to change the situation.

As for the emotional part, yes, but nothing is written in stone. Take care of yourself and what you want with your family, the rest will work itself out as it is meant to be.

OK, backing out the door now, but good luck

- SCh

[ClingingToHope]

Kerry, my L came very highly recommended and he's been straight with me. If I really want to fight for custody, he told me it's going to be expensive and a difficult road for me since she has been the physical custodian for 11 months.

He said my best bet is to take an agreement that protects the time I have with them now and gives me a lower child support payment than what the state guidelines suggest.

Her lower has painted us into a corner. They are asking for sooo much that I'm better off fighting it out in court.

My IC said she's heard of W's lawyer. She's had clients complain that he offers a low initial retainer and then ramps up the tension so that things end up nasty and contested and then he gets a fat fee whether or not he's successful.

Ding, ding, ding.

SecondChance. The house is not an asset. It's an anchor. We owe $125,000 on it because we had to refinance after a flood in 2007. That jacked up what we owe. And with the housing crash, it's now worth well less than what we owe.

Plus, it's a money pit. It has a crack in the ceiling running the length of the house. The water heater and sewer injector are going to need replacing as will the dish washer. It needs an interior and exterior paint job. It needs new windows on the porch. A huge tree in the back yard is falling down in chunks and needs to be cut down.

The mediation is just us and the mediator. The Ls took the step of requesting it before it was court ordered to save some money.

I have no idea what next week will bring. I can't see either of us backing down because I think her attorney is telling her she can't lose if we go to court.

[smith18]

We divided up the equity into the home plus a profit based upon an appraisal. I still owed $75000 on the home. I was able to offset some of the profit and equity because I owned the house about 5 years before I met my W. So I paid her off after a refinance and I have a much higher mortgage now. The mortgage debt is not part of the asset.

Dont just give her the house. It surely must be a marital asset (equity and gain in value).