Is this piecing?

[Butterfly1]

Kalni, it's true. BUt then why do I yearn to call him despite all reason? It's totally reasonable that all he can do is hurt me now and that I need to protect myself. So why does it ache so badly? Why am I consumed with regret at everything I did wrong. Why do I fantasize that somehow I could get the love back that was once there? WHy do I kick myself over and over for al the mistakes that chased H away?

Why can't I stand strong and be mad at him? SEe his faults? See how he hurts me?

[Kalni]

Hope, I can feel your hurt and struggle. I will try to find some things that worked for me and I mean worked for me not regarding my H. Every now and then I would come across somethings, articles, posts that helped me regain my strength (until I would hit a low again). I feel it is very important to keep it together now.

I am starting with this. It may not be relevant to the present, but it helped me to identify his behavior :


1.The trapped partner no longer feels it necessary to fight off the other, and their relationship improves. It is not that the love affair is rekindled, necessarily, but the strain between the two partners is often eased.

2.As the cool spouse begins to feel free again, the question he has been asking himself changes. After wondering for weeks or months, "How can I get out of this mess?" he now asks, "Do I really want to go?" Just knowing that he can have his way often makes him less anxious to achieve it. Sometimes it turns him around 180 degrees and brings him back home!

3.The third change occurs not in the mind of the cool spouse but in the mind of the vulnerable one. Incredibly, he or she feels better — somehow more in control of the situation. There is no greater agony than journeying through a vale of tears, waiting in vain for the phone to ring or for a miracle to occur. Instead, the person has begun to respect himself or herself and to receive small evidences of respect in return. Even though it is difficult to let go once and for all, there are ample rewards for doing so. One of those advantages involves the feeling that he or she has a plan — a program — a definite course of action to follow. That is infinitely more comfortable than experiencing the utter despair of powerlessness that the victim felt before. And little by little, the healing process begins.

[Freckle6]

What did you mean about the D papers not being the magic pill? I didn't quite understand that one.

It just means that he may be (or at some point be) idealizing that a divorce/permanent split will fix all his problems and automatically make his life blissfully happy because he will have gotten rid of all that is wrong in his world--you.

I'm NOT saying you are why he is or was unhappy. That's what he thinks though. And if it comes to the point of a D, he will find that he has all the same problems and unhappiness but now he can't blame them on you and your M. That's because the reasons why we are all here is because of things far deeper than silly things like you not cooking a homemade dinner often enough, KWIM?

[Freckle6]

I'm OK mostly. Friday at work I got a pain in my stomach when I was bending to lift something. The next day when it still hurt, I found a lump near my belly button that's tender. I've been thinking possible hernia. I went to the Dr. Mon and have had an ultrasound and CT scan and blood work done and they still don't quite know what's up. I have an appt. with a surgeon next week. I still think hernia, but who knows.

Oh, and Monday I also had a premade appt. with another Dr. because of a cyst I had in my breast. He ended up draining that and that's all fine, but I've been stuck with enough needles this week, thank you very much!

[alice444]

Hope- I think you're doing the best you can under very difficult circumstances. I can't remember- do you work during the day when S is at school? I want to know that you're keeping busy somehow. It's ok to fall apart- just not in front of H :-). S will recover even if you have some depressive episodes- it's just important that you do everything to take care of yourself so YOU feel better - that will help you and S.

I can't belive H is still planning on going to MC. That tells me he has some ambivalence, but I wouldn't pin any hope on him right now- mostly to protect yourself.

Would it help if, every time you felt like picking up the phone you pictured him at his nastiest, being like he can be to you? You definitely don't want to talk to him like that, so maybe that will help (b/c probably the opposite is playing in your hopeful brain- like maybe he'll be sweet this time, etc.)

Also, you need to start eating and stuff. You are in a battle of sorts and you can't fight without fuel. Even if it's just cereal or something- eat, or you'll start feeling lousier and you won't be able to think straight (same with sleep).

I think it's just fine for S to be with his grandma- he enjoys himself when he's there and it gives you time to have a mini-breakdown outside of his presence if you need to or whatever. It is not a bad thing to send him there- it's a gift to both him and her- not all kids get to see their grandparents so often. You are, in fact, a GREAT mom for taking care of him in this way.

I think it's best if you're gone again if H is spending time at your house tomorrow. I think for now it's best not to be in his presence. Just my 2 cents.

(((Hope)))

[flowmom]

H4L, print out Freckle's post and Kalni's posts and keep re-reading them every time you feel weak. They have faced down their demons and come to a place of being OK within themselves. They are role models for us whether or not our Ms turn out.

But still, don't talk to him about it!!! It's something he has to process on his own and you inserting your opinions, will only cloud him with anger and distract him from the real mess of emotions inside him.

^ Please keep reminding yourself of this! In addition to protecting yourself (which is #1), talking to him WON'T HELP. Nothing excuses his abusive behaviour, but you need to have to the good sense not to back him into a corner knowing that he will lash out at you.

I love the idea of acting your way through this. Visualize your role: relaxed, calm, cheerful, funny, DETACHED Hope, living her life and being a great mom in spite of dealing with the drag of a WAS. Form those pictures in your mind and fake it until you make it.

With your S. Focus on being present and stop sign your way through getting through some genuine play time with him. I know you feel like you're falling apart. But being present as a mom at least part of the time is a personal victory and an opportunity to focus on something else than your sitch. Try to plan little fun things to do together so that there is a focus. It's hard when you're depressed and I know that you worry about how that's affecting your S. I think a positive way is to briefly say how you're feeling, then role model managing and dealing with your feelings. "I'm feeling pretty sad today. I'm glad that we can spend some time together though. I thought that it might cheer me up to make pizza with you. What do you think?". I occasionally share my sadness with my kids when I know that I'm not doing a great job of faking it. I think that they can really learn from me verbalizing the things that I do to calm myself down, cheer myself up, etc. Also, naming my feelings has opened the door to my S6 naming his as well...which is something that he wouldn't do spontaneously. Of course I'm not advising dumping on your S and I know you wouldn't do that. But you can see this as a learning opportunity for your S: be a role model for how to behave in a crisis and deal with pain.

(((Hope)))

[flowmom]

Why am I consumed with regret at everything I did wrong. Why do I fantasize that somehow I could get the love back that was once there? WHy do I kick myself over and over for al the mistakes that chased H away?

Why can't I stand strong and be mad at him? SEe his faults? See how he hurts me?

Hope, these probably come from irrational thoughts that you have about your R with your H. Working on the steps of detaching helped me to see 1. how toxic my R is with H and 2. the number of irrational beliefs that I have about our M.

Look at some of the irrational beliefs that I identified below. See how they would lead to the kinds of thoughts that you're having? Yours are probably different than mine, but I'm guessing there's some overlap.

So continuing to work on developing detachment:
http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

I did step 1 here:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1950158#Post1950158

Now onto:

Step 2: Once you have identified the persons, places and things you have a toxic relationship with, then you need to take each one individually and work through the following steps.

Step 3: Identify the irrational beliefs in the toxic relationship which prevent you from becoming detached. Address these beliefs and replace them with healthy, more rational ones.

Irrational beliefs:

If I love H enough he will love me back.

H can't assume the full responsibility of being a parent.

I can't make it on my own financially.

My value derives from what H values in me.

H needs my influence to be a good person and father.

H will die if I don't take care of him physically.
[my father died months after my mother and my sister (1yo) and I (3yo) left him]

A mate is for life.

My children will be scarred for life by divorce.

It's better to not know the whole truth.

If I "fix" H's complaints about me, we can heal our marriage.

I can avoid failure in my M if I just work hard enough.

Divorce is the worst thing that could happen to me.

I deserve to suffer for my faults.

I deserve to suffer for my mistakes.

My needs and wants are less important than those of others in the family.

[Butterfly1]

Great. My H's phone accidentally called me this morning and I had a voicemail where I heard him teaching his class. Doesn't help staying away...

[flowmom]

You can do this Hope

[Butterfly1]

H called to talk to S

I got on at the end to say good bye and see what time he's coming to morrow and tell him I"m sleeping at the neighbors. He said he looks forward to seeing S = and then said he looks forward to seeing me too.

He has never said that.