The journey begins

[ClingingToHope]

The temporary order is just a step in the process, I've been told. I've been paying $920 a month ever since I moved out. She's had them 9 nights out of 14 since July when I moved in to my apartment. She's had control of the house.

So I'm doing everything she's asking. The problem is she wants more in support and she wants to cut back on the time that I have with them now. The house isn't an issue. I don't want to be there.

I have to do a financial affidavit on Friday.

The mediation session ... well, it went fine for a while. She staked out her position that she's the more responsible parent. That I miss things. I'm more interested in fun and physical activities than schoolwork.

I disagreed and said they've missed nothing in my nights and that I'm actually the better parent for homework -- especially English and math -- and that because I have the more flexible schedule they've grown up with me doing the majority of the cooking, cleaning, picking them up for doctor's appointments and staying home with them.

She said her job is getting more flexible and she doesn't have to work as much outside of normal times.

I said that was good. I just wished it had happened several years ago but that doesn't change the fact the girls are used to this being a 50/50 thing.

It got heated when I brought up finances. I said we'd agreed joint physical custody would be fine in February as long as she could refinance the house. When the refi fell through she then went for sole physical custody because she couldn't afford the house.

She said I tricked her into the meeting and was consulting with a lawyer all along.

I said she saw three lawyers before I ever saw one and I only hired my attorney after she filed ... you get the gist.

After, she waited for me on the stairs and threatened to bring up online porn.

I don't think I've ever brought this up on the forums because it's embarrassing. But as she withdrew and I'd lie awake night after night wondering how to turn things around, I'd occasionally go upstairs and seek the release elsewhere.

She knew and after seeing a counselor and church groups last year I wrote her a long letter apologizing. I can't hide from it.

I don't even own a computer now. I just borrow the ones from work and I'm not stupid enough to use those for that.

I told her that she could introduce that letter to the court and I would readily admit to it, but I'd also ask my counselor to testify that I'm working on it.

I told her if she wanted to bring that up then I'd bring up my concerns that she has romance novels stacked up all around the house and that the girls found sex toys under her bed at Dll's birthday party. She told them they were back scratchers.

Both things were for the same problem -- we were/are both lonely. I looked on the computer. She retreated to reading trashy novels with a glass of wine and a vibrator.

It may sound like I'm just throwing it out there in retaliation. But I do have concerns. Her mom has hundreds of these novels. W grew up watching her dad play solitare in one room while her mom read Harlequins. That's her idea of a marriage.

So yes, I do have concerns, but I wasn't going to bring them up. But now she's threatening me.

Boy is this going to be a mess.