i told him i was sorry he'd had such a rough time at work and that i appreciated that he would continue with the financial support. i just don't know where the heck that money is going to come from, i know he doesn't have a dime in savings, unless his parents are going to support him for a while. he's helping me cover my rent, not to mention his own rent, a car payment, insurance, student loans, vet bills, and the money he gives me each month for our line of credit loan and visa card. since we don't have anything legal and signed in place, should i move to sign the agreement now to cover my bases? i have his email that says he would continue to make the payments, and i don't want to kick him while he's down, but he asked me to sign the damn thing last week anyway and then up and quit his job today, and i really don't know how on earth he plans to keep supporting himself, let alone helping me out, without a job lined up. deep breaths, deep breaths.
this is one of the things we CONSTANTLY struggled with during our M. i am uptight and panicky about finances. i get it from my mother. i have tried to let things start sliding off my back more often, but i am a big time saver and H is a big time spender and we were always butting heads about that. so for me to not flip out on him in an email is a 180 for me. i was understanding and calm. but there is a storm a'brewin inside.
i have only been to one IC session since my H moved out. it was helpful but not to a point where i felt any real relief or clarity. i was out of town for a while and couldn't get away from work this past week so this friday was the only time i could get to see her in a few weeks. i'm looking forward to it. she's also a yoga instructor and ends each session with a brief meditation, which i really need. especially right now.
i see what you're saying about his IC. i know they are paid to listen, but they are also trained to offer insight and sometimes even solutions or ways out of the problem. otherwise, why would anyone go?
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
but i can't understand why she's not urging him to at least try one MC session. i can only assume she's one of those "your marriage is so screwed don't even bother" types.
IF she's a good IC, she'll deal with topics he wants to and direct him to things that she think hit the right nerve. If he starts crying every time he mentions your M, she might steer clear for now.
IF she's bad, anything can happen.
That is why (I think) you need to decide what you want to do when he isn't capable.
thanks, OTM. i did offer my support and told him i was here if he needed to talk. his response (3 hours later) was to thank me for my support and to say he's facing all of this head on as best as he can. (read: thanks, but no thanks)
he is really building a wall between me and him and what little hope i had left gets dimmer every day.
what do i want to do? i'll have to meditate on that for sure...i don't know how to let go right now.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
well, i took the weekend off from the site. i turned 30 on friday and took a flying trapeze class which was just absolutely amazing. all i got from my H was a lame text message that said "have a nice birthday, tta" - that was IT. his grandparents called me (surprise, they have NO idea we are separated) and left me a really sweet message, and even his sister sent me a card. but i tried not to let it bother me much.
i had a really fun party and all my closest friends came and we did a Mad Men theme and everyone came dressed like it was 1960. we had a blast. saturday i went on a cruise out in the potomac with a friend and had a great time. all in all the weekend was great, i am embracing 30 with a smile, and fully prepared for the next chapter of my life.
i emailed my H this morning to tell him that i would not have the agreement signed by the date he asked about (the 15th of april). he quit his job last week and while he has a part time teaching job, there's no way he's pulling in enough to support himself and make the monthly payments to me that we agreed on. he wrote me back a pretty long email saying he felt so conflicted for not being there for me on my birthday, and it was no big deal if i couldnt' sign the agreement until i had a chance to go over it with my dad and my L. i also asked him to tell his grandparents about our separation so i could call them back and thank them for thinking about me. and i did not feel it was my job to be the one to tell them.
i just feel like i don't even know who he is anymore. his sister said she has no idea how he's doing because every time she asks him to do something with her or her family, he says no. i know he's still seeing his IC, but...he's on emotional lock down right now and there's not much i can do.
i spent a lot of time over the weekend being honest with myself about our M and what i wanted out of it and what i hadn't been getting prior to our separation. i saw my IC on friday and she said she was very impressed with how well i'm handling things and how far i've come mentally and emotionally since she'd seen me back in march.
i told my H it hurt that i had only gotten a text message from him on my 30th birthday...honestly, i don't care how conflicted he was. i was the one who ended up feeling like he didn't give a sh*t and couldn't be bothered to even send me a card.
where that guy is in his head is beyond me. i don't even know him anymore.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
hmmm, just got a bit of a nasty email from the H. i asked him about extending his alimony payment until i move to a new place which will not open up until november and his response was not so nice. seems he thinks i should know better than to ask him for more support when i know he's upside down financially right now. but, he's the one who wanted to separate, so...i don't know why i need to pay for the choice he made.
he ended it by saying he knew that wasn't how i was trying to come across and that the choices and responsibilites were his to deal with (he said that with a bit of sarcasm, though) and that he hadn't said or done anything else for my bday because he just didn't know what to say or do.
i wanted to fire back an equally scathing email, chew him out for leaving me to begin with, and say something along the lines of HOW DARE YOU even complain to me that you might have to sell the motorcycle and move in with your sister to help me keep making my rent and other debts that you helped me incur before YOU MOVED OUT. but i did not. no, i took a deep breath, i said i hated even asking when i knew he was in a tough spot financially but that he'd made some decisions recently that put both of us in a sticky fiancial situation, but that i wasn't out to point fingers at him or collect money from him that he doesn't have. but...he also didn't HAVE to quit his job last week (which he said he did), and he has a responsibility to support me and continue making the payments he agreed to make to me.
sigh. this is one of those days where i'm just like, just divorce me already so i can move on. i haven't heard much of anything from him lately, so his anger took me by surprise. the last few times we've talked he's been nothing but sad and apologetic. as soon as i question anything outlined in the agreement, the claws come out.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
I'm wondering if he's feeling overwhelmed enough that lashing out is easier than figure out the numbers. Do you think it would help to have a cup of coffee with your H and go through finances (who's debts are whose, etc.)?
I know what you mean about 'divorce me already'. I'm stuck in that rump, now, but for a different reason. Having this feeling has made me an irritable person to be around at times, and my claws haven't retracted just yet.
Did you ask him why he quit? Maybe if he wants to vent it to you, he might realize that you provide a need for him that he's loosing - a person that can love and hear him out. The IC can hear, but not lovingly. Coffee to talk over finances can lead this way - if you want it to.
PS - glad to hear your doing fine despite it all. Try not to take the birthday thing too much to heart. He's screwed up enough that if he's in depression, then he is probably beating himself up for it already.
i know why he quit his job, he was miserable and hated it and felt like his boss belittled him. and i certainly wouldn't expect him to stay in a job where he felt that way, but quitting before he had anything else lined up - when he knew he had financial responsibilities to keep up with - just seems irrational to me at this point in the game.
i don't know if meeting for coffee would help. he's angry, frustrated, sad, confused...not a ball of emotions that i could be of any help with. i've told him numerous times that i'm here if he wants to talk, but he refuses to take me up on the offer. like i said earlier, he's in emotional lock down and there's not much i can do. we already divided up all of our "property" and the motorcycle that HE owns is in MY name, so that could get sticky if down the road he can't continue making the monthly payments on it...it screws MY credit, not his. all the other debts we've hammered out as to what belongs to me and what debt is his.
my IC was fine...i talked most of the time and i didn't feel like i left with a sense of "i know what i need to do" i left with a sense of "i am dealing with things pretty well but still have no solutions." she said we would tackle solutions and make some goals for me next time.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
