i think you are right - h admitted that our m breakdown was a personal failure to him that he is struggling with. if it is a personal failure, why did he write off trying to fix it? he just threw his arms up in the air and said it's so broken beyond repair. no amount of mc-ing will fix it. of course, this was all said during the initial turbulent stage of the process. we are four months into separation now. soon we will be physically apart.
h was always a good guy to me. that's why i married him. and i do believe that he is struggling with this decision. it is a personal failure but i think he is also seeing the negative effects it is having on those around him (family, friends).
he wanted an amicable split. but when he drops the d-bomb simply because he felt that "marriage shouldn't be this hard", you're not going to get an amicable d. everybody knows that marriage has its ups and downs marriage is hard work so to split because you're afraid of hard work. u're just being naive. guys don't ask other guys 'hey is your marriage up and down at times?'.
i do believe the failure is on his mind. i have been okay since. h has lost sleep and has buried himself in work. h does not smile. the only time he does is when we watch tv and i make him laugh.
i think the big challenge for me is to figure out what those shortcomings are. i can't admit to a random set of faults otherwise it will seem scripted.
funny thing is, everyone has been telling me that i can't help him figure things out. he has to figure it out on his own. it's like the "you can only change yourself, you can't change him" thing. i wish i could help him but he's locked into one state right now that he's almost impossible to get through.
another thing i need to work on - forgiveness. there is so much anger and resentment in me that it eats away at me. i was so angry yesterday that i even yelled at my L. probably because he was asking me how i wanted to proceed. i told him that h wanted the d. i expect him to take charge. i don't know if he's still shopping around for a better L. but he hasn't pushed his L for anything yet.
i think being physically apart will be a big shock to both of us.
