I am very new to this. I have read DR and found the ideas to be incredible. I am having trouble finding the right strategies to use because my H still lives here and we are still sleeping in the same bed. We do a lot together and have fun. He will readily admit that I am his best friend, says he just doesn't feel "it" any more.
I have a very involved H. We split care of the children and household responsibilities almost 50/50 because we have flexible work schedules and tag team all the logistics of running a home. Apparently we have left one task off of our to do lists, we've let our R go completely with out nourishment. I have always felt that this is how it works when you have small children and that as they grow we will find our time together again. He's apparently felt/feeling that we have lost something and he has very little (if any) hope that we can ever get it back.
I say he is depressed not just because I think so. He had a major depressive episode a few months ago and has been seeing his doctor for meds (since 2/12), getting IC (since 2/18)and working with me in MC (since 3/24, he even made the 1st appt). He says he is willing to work on our M and has shown, at every turn, that he will go through the motions. I just don't know how I can trust (funny word to me now) that he is really trying. Why be trying if you have no hope of it working???
I have been working in some 180s and not pursuing, but MC makes me talk about the R and share feelings. So, what to do is kinda confusing right now. It's like there is a stranger suddenly walking around my house. I really prayed that when the meds kicked in, and the depression started to lift, that he would feel better about our R/M. Now, he claims to feel SOOOO much better (he really has come miles from where he was), but refuses to acknowledge any hope in our R.
Reeling - i know how it feels waiting for that first reply - i am not one of the "wise vets" that will come along shortly and give you sound advise to follow, but trust me you are not alone.
have you considered GAL, it may be a good start for you.
Gman
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
Thanks! GAL is the tough one for me. I think it is the ultimate 180. I had him baffled the other day when I suddenly changed an appt he knew our son had to make social plans for me and the boys. He was working, and thought he knew our schedule only to find it was completely different. He looked astonished that night when he said "I had no idea your were doing that". I just waved it off by saying, I must have forgotten to mention it. I know the whole thing jolted him because I am quite the planner around here. It's easy for me to see that I have been way too predictable and BORING. I am trying to envision what I want my GAL activities to be, for now I am staying busy and cheerful (on the outside) so that he always is interrupting to get my attention. Unfortunately when he came home last week and found me getting into a new hobby, he used it as an example of how we aren't into the same things.....
I don't think any couple is really "into" the same things they used to be, i never was a big reader, now i love reading about how to improve myself....even try to help others, something i never dreamed i would do.
the GAL thing is for you, it doesn't have to be anything crazy but just something for you. example i used to love to run before i was married, my first action in my GAL plan was to start running again....blew my wife away. not only do i enjoy running again i have dropped 15 pounds and feel much better physically.
find yourself and H may notice it too.
Gman
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
Gman- Wow! I hope I can follow your lead on that one.
I honestly think he walks around trying to find things to validate his idea that we won't work out. I don't know why.
He actually said he doesn't fit the image he has of what I need in a H. WHAT kind of thought contortions is that?!?!
He said I deserve someone who can reciprocate my feelings. Well, wouldn't it be nice if we could all get exactly what we DESERVE? I wanted to scream I DESERVE FOR YOU TO RECIPROCATE MY FEELINGS! I don't want to sound like I don't take some responsibility for what got me here, but honestly, do any of us DESERVE to be here?
Welcome! Sorry you're here, but the vets here know their stuff.
Don't give up hope!!!
Your H sounds a lot like my W. We were always close, and had fun together, but once the kids (9, 6 and 4)were born, we were so busy with them, we forgot to make time for us.
My W has also suffered from depression, which makes her not only see the glass as half empty, but cracked and broken as well. She has told me she should be happy with our M, but looking around the house, she only feels hopeless and trapped. I think the depression has something to do with her feelings of hopelessness about our M, but she doesn't see the connection.
I got bombed with the ILYBINILWY speech after my W started talking with a man on FB she met through one of the online games there. After two months of talking to him, she was convinced that he was her soulmate, since she had "In Love" feelings about him that she didn't have for me anymore.
I hate to be the one to ask, but are you sure there isn't an OW?
Thanks No More, I am trying to have hope, one of us has to!
OW, ugh. I don't think so, but who does? I've read too many posts here to be able to type "no way". I have checked his cell a few times since my first visit to this forum. I don't see anything fishy in his text or call history. He leaves his phone charging in the kitchen at night and doesn't lock it. He's not on FB very often. But, he could be e-mailing someone and I wouldn't know.
He also doesn't have any sense of urgency to get out of the marriage. He seems to feel that the process will take a long time to figure out.
On top of it all, a year ago our best friends had to deal with the H's A. My H got a call from someone who saw his friend out with another W and we had to intervene and expose the A. We are the God parents of their kids and we felt we had to expose. It's been a year of hell helping that family through this. Everything we have done for them has been to save their marriage.
Well, I originally posted to try to figure out how to balance MC with DBing. I had to leave town for a funeral and we had to cancel our weekly appt. The next one we could fit into is 2 weeks away, so it will be 3 weeks between our sessions. Am I wrong to take this as an opportunity? It's funny, I didn't even plan this 180, but H was astonished that I wasn't in tears over the sessions being held off.
and feel much better physically. 