Game Point

[tryingtilDorR]

That is the biggest barrier I think I face ultimately. She is incredibly stubborn and one to never admit fault (probably a flaw that I will notice a lot more in her if I get with someone else who doesn't have this trait).

It has made me feel like my situation is near impossible because even if she has doubts that she is doing the right thing, her pride will never let her outwardly admit this. It would take a major crow-eating exercise for her to admit that the M actually could have a possibility of surviving and that by working on it there was a possibility for her to be happy. I certainly wouldn't make her eat crow but she would have her own fierce internal battle with this.

[tryingtilDorR]

W and I had a long discussion tonight. She told me that she needs 3700 by the 14th to secure her rental and that she was going to talk to the kids this weekend. She wanted to know if I wanted to be there and I said yes. W said that she was going to tell them "Mom and Dad aren't getting along so there are going to be some changes. Mom will move to a different house. This is how WE have decided to deal with this problem"

I corrected her: This is how YOU have decided to deal with the problem. I will tell the kids that I had a different solution (dump OM and start working on M but I won't tell them that).

I asked her why she couldn't wait a couple months until we had a better financial situation and kids are out of school, and her answer was "there is never a good time for this". For whatever reason she wants to do it before kids get out of school, and I think it is because she wants to have her free time during the day before summer comes in the new place. The bummer is she is not thinking of the kids at all - S18 graduation is coming up and we were planning a big party for him. This will be awkward. D17 is getting her confirmation (Catholic) also in the next month.

I am stunned that she is actually going to go through with it. However it is the only choice given her direction (not willing to end it with OM and staying only for the kids, not the M).

[tryingtilDorR]

More discussions on her timing - I told her I couldn't understand why she wouldn't wait 2 months and she said she found a place she likes and wants to get it. I told her the following:

There will be plenty of rentals out there in the future as well especially when school gets out and people move

We don't have the cash on hand right now to secure the rental next week unless I do an early withdrawl from our IRA but in 2 months things will be better after I get our taxes paid, etc.

The graduation party for S18 will be awkward at best given that she just moved out and there will be many people upset about it. His memory of his HS graduation will be that his parents just split up and it will be on the minds of everyone at the party.

Our kids are trying to finish the school year, keep their grades up, finish end of year testing, etc

Spring sports are going on on top of all this -baseball spring basketball softball (D16 plays varsity)

Why layer on top of all this parents splitting up and kids having to move between houses??

Her answer - the party for S18 should be no different than it would be now - it sounds like you will be the one having the problem and you need to get over it. People separate all the time....

I told her 'everyone' would be having a problem.

Amazing how singularly-focused they can be when it is time to go. I know she is getting pushed by OM to do this as well and he cares nothing about our kids. She is making this out to be an argument between me and her and I am trying to get her to consider others and forget about me, but no deal.

Then again, if it were any other time I would be telling her go ahead and leave. It is just the worst possible timing other than at Christmas or something.

[tryingtilDorR]

OK I am turning my attention to the next phase. That is why I read through Coach's old thread when Greek moved out (and even filed for D).

My W is not saying she is filing for D. She is just saying 'separate' at this point. Not good, but it gives me some hope that there is a crack in the door still even though she emphatically tells me 'its over'.

I am going to let her go like I should have months ago when she was here in the house with us. The fact that she was still here, even though she was talking to OM and not engaged int he M, still left me with hope because she hadn't moved out. However, I am now realizing how hard and stressful it has been, and there is a small consolation in her leaving that it will be easier to let her go if I don't have to deal with her every day. We will be able to go weeks without even seeing each other most likely depending upon how things go.

I plan on doing several things:

Obviously, above all else, be there for my kids who will be dealing with a lot.

a) fix up the house - I want to paint inside and do a bunch of work in the back yard and it will be easier without her around. Will need to make adjustments to the furniture after she removes some of it, as well as possibly buy a TV to replace whatever one she takes. She won't like it but its my house now even though legally she owns half.

b) step up my workouts (again - I slowed down over the winter a little)

c) work at home more - without her here it is an invitation to enjoy my house even more and my new job is going well enough that I can do some work at home. I will let people at work know what is going on at home, and since I will have kids every other week I will try to be home on most of the days they are here.

d) go dark - can't help it since we will have no reason to stay in contact outside of business matters with our kids, etc. This may be a good experience for me.

e) no panicking about money for about 3 months - if I analyze it I start to get panicky, but I have faith that 'everything will work out' Knowing that my ILs will help financially, up to and including paying my W off for her part of the equity in our home is comofrting, and I think more $$$s are going to be coming from my job soon as well so hopefully I can make it all work out.

That's about all I can think of for now.

[pigskin]

Sounds so typical of the WAW that there would be no concern for the kids. But obviously you've found out that the WAW can't be reasoned with.

Her getting out will be good for you. Since she is stubborn like my W, she will probably tell herself and you about how she loves being in her own place, so expect that.

Funny how they can be so stubborn yet not have the guts to file for divorce.

[tryingtilDorR]

I agree pigskin - the situation is really strange right now and I think if she leaves it will get easier for me but not for our kids. It will be hard financially having to pay for her rental also.

MIL called me yesterday and I mentioned to her that W was planning on telling the kids she was moving out. MIL knows that this was in the works and that she had already put a deposit down so it isn't a shock, but she was furious about the fact that W would do this before school was out when we have our son's graduation, catholic confirmation for daughter, school activities etc etc as I outlined above.

We consoled each other but she ended up leaving my W a message later about how she was 'cruel' to do this to her children before summer and I am sure some other very choice things.

W was mad that I told her and said that I should leave telling her family up to her. I told her that she is probably right but I didn't think it was a big deal.

I am bracing myself for her to really start spinning off the rails the closer she gets to moving out and telling our kids. I can see the cracks starting already.

Here is some of the stuff she told me yesterday (via text msg):

- two of my friends have told me that if they heard only your side of everything you would look like a saint. But they know the whole story so you love to play victim.

- did you know that almost everyone says no matter who wants out of the marriage that you should be the one who moves out.

I thought the second one was interesting, because everyone I talk to says the opposite, including her own family! Everyone tells me "Don't you dare move out of that house - make her do it" Her mother, grandmother, aunt, brothers/sister all have said this consistently. I guess she didn't ask their opinion.

I didn't expect MIL to lay into her - this turned W's anger at me big-time. She is right she should tell them. I was asked about what she was doing so I answered the question.

She went to visit MIL today and MIL told her the following:

- She is the one who is wrong - she has never lifted a finger to try to work on M and has been unwilling to let go of OM. She will never believe otherwise no matter how much my W tries to convince her and that is the way she will position it to others.

- All of the things I have done to find out what she is doing aren't the reason to D (W blames my reaction to her A for a lot). Any man in my position would be suspicious and desperate to save his family and take similar actions (collect intelligence, try to bust the A, insist on no contact, etc).

- We brought our 4 kids into the world and we owe it to them to do what is best for them no matter how happy/unhappy we are and that we needed to make every effort to stay together and she has made NO effort towards this.

MIL suggested to her if she is convinced she needs to move out and thinks the rental she found is so great go ahead and rent it but just don't move in. Let the kids finish school and move in the summer when they are not as buried with everything else to do.

This will not make OM happy if she does this I am sure, but we will see if she bites at this suggestion. If she does, we get to live under the same roof longer (good for kids and bad for my detatchment) but I suspect she will 'use' the rental here and there for herself while kids are at school, etc.? We shall see, but my strategy would be to act as if she already had moved out but that I was still seeing her around the house.

[pigskin]

The sad part of all of this is that your wife is hearing the truth from the people who love her most, but it is likely having the opposite effect from what is hoped for.

She probably feels attacked, which will make her more defensive and less likely to consider going back on her plans. And will cause her to go running to the one person who supports her, the OM, for love and validation.

The same is happening in my situation, so its easy to point it out in someone else's. I and my inlaws are no better at navigating this. It's hard to keep from bombarding the WAW with what should be obvious to them. That's why we do it - we can't believe anyone could not see how crazy it all is.

What is the solution? Stop bombarding. Everyone has stated their piece, everyone knows where everyone stands. More talk is pointless and will just drive her further away.

Now I need to get better at following my own advice...

[tryingtilDorR]

You are right pigskin.

I am really taking the "I am already dead" approach at this point. She is on the verge of moving out, so not much else to do and I don't even WANT to do anything else as far as trying to convince her.

I started a new workout program recently and it is really making a difference. People have commented that I look good. A friend of my SIL told me I was really hot and I better watch out because the women will be coming after me (she was only half-joking I think). I am projecting that kind of confidence these days I think.

However, I think MILs words had some effect on W. Also, apparently the waitress who overheard me and my buddies talking is calling her friends around town that have husbands that know W and telling them to watch out for her because she is a 'cheater'. I feel bad about this - but I was only telling my friends the truth about what I know has been going on and I can't help if there is some nosy waitress hanging around. I told her I was sorry about it.

I think this kind of thing bothers W a lot, but that is what will be spread around most likely if she leaves. Close friends know about our situation and OM presence/influence, and I am president of a youth sports organization with 800+ kids in our town - many more people know me than I know- so it will make great gossip material most likely.

I think this kind of thing, plus what MIL told her, are bugging her and maybe she is realizing it is really her own fault and I might not actually be the one to blame - imagine that. I am mind reading, so I will stop now.

The vile anger and resentment I would expect towards me after she gets chewed out by MIL, and what would be expected after waitress overheard me, isn't there the past couple days. We had a 'typical' day yesterday just being around the house and dealing with our kids. We had some discipline issues with S18 and D16 that we dealt with together. It is hard to imagine how we will be able to do this if she leaves - basically we won't I guess.

W sleeps a lot - probably depression. I went grocery shopping and then made our dinner last night and she slept through it. S11 and S12 told me 'thank you' for the dinner - which I thought was kind of funny. Nice kids. It is hard to believe how W could disrupt their world like she is planning.

The next step will be to see if she comes to me for the money to secure the rental by Wednesday. She may take her mothers advice and not leave until summer, but she may still want to secure the rental.

If I could design the world, I would obviously pick for her to 'wake up' and turn back into the person I remember who was my W, but if that can't happen I wish we could split amicably with no financial burdens. I feel like both options are impossible at this point, but I can dream.

I know my life will be better without her going forward if she doesn't change, but I will mourn the loss of our 'family' as it exists.

[tryingtilDorR]

Journaling.

Another 'normal' day. No tension/stress. W and D16 went shopping for a prom dress and S12 had his first spring-league basketball game.

Just before bed W told me she would need the money by Wed to secure her rental. I am not suprised because during the week she told me this and had also said she would be telling the kdis she is moving out (was going to tell them by today), but she didn't say anything to the kids so I have a feeling she is taking MILs (and my) advice to not move out until summer. She talked to MiL friday and it may have put a stop to it.

When she asked for the money I was totally cooperative and didn't act like I cared one bit. She told me how much she had on hand to put towards it and asked if I could help with the rest, etc. I could have gotten irritated and told her to find the money somewher else but I just don't feel like it. I just asked her questions about the exact dollar amount needed and didn't express any emotion, just a matter-of-fact conversation like if we were discussing paying a regular bill.

The attitude I project is that her moving out doesn't matter - it is a done deal and I am moving on. I didn't ask her when she would be moving, where the place is located, or anything else.

However, in the back of my mind I am thinking that waiting until summer has other benefits other than delaying the impact on the kids:

a) There are a couple of very important and unique family milestones/events coming up that we will be participating in - S18 HS graduation and big party, D16s first Prom, D16s confirmation. These could make her start to have doubts about breaking up her family.

b) After the turmoil over the past 3 months I feel like I have finally calmed down and detached. There has been a lot of turoil over OM and our mediation appointments and I feel like I really don't care anymore. Being detached in this way will create the best possible environment between us and during these important events. I don't expect to get in another argument over OM or any other activites. If I don't check up on her I don't know about OM anyway, and I don't feel like checking anymore.

c) I am getting in great shape and will probably look better than I have looked in many years over the next few months. I got in shape last hear but a lot was from the 'LBS diet'. However, I am taking it to a new level now. This will help my confidence and I have to admit I want to look as good as ever within the next two months to make her and everyone else question how she could leave someone that looks great, etc. It is interesting how motivating this is for me - it is kind of weird but what the heck its working.

d) Things are going fantastic at work for me. I am making a huge difference and my biggest ally/supporter in the company was just named CEO. Again, confidence is high, and I expect more money to come in.

e) Summer is a tough time to move for other reasons - we have a great house for summer with a pool and nice backyard and W likes using our community's pool to swim laps (it is olympic sized) and kids have lots to do at home during the long summer days. It may be a break in that if she begins to get doubts about her direction having to leave in summer could be a deal-killer for her. When I had questioned her about "Why now?" before one of her reasons was she wanted to be out BEFORE summer.

f) Also, it could tweak OM a little as well - I know he has probably worked on her to get her to move out so if she doesn't right away after telling him she was it may tweak him. God knows I ahve tried to get under his skin myself and it has basically backfired.

It is funny, but for a strange reason if she is not leaving now is mildly disappointing (good for my kids however) - I was kind of looking forward to her not being around and making the house my own. I am turning into a WAS in a small way I guess. I see good coming out of her leaving.

All of the above are contributing to a relaxed, confident, detatched attitude I believe and W will notice the changes. Having her stick around until summer (if that actually happens) may give our M the last and best chance possible.

In fact, after our nice weekend and calm conversation about her needing the money for the rental tonight she said 'goodnight' before leaving the room - she hasn't done that in a while (I have told her on many occasions).

Now i just need to 'date'!

[HopinginMass]

man this reminds me so much of my situation that I find myself getting angry at your wife and I don't even know her. Except my MIL is an enabler to my wife and I don't think she likes me. I feel for you man, I've never felt so much anxiety, anger and depression before. I'm starting to think this WAW thing is a form of mental illness. I've noticed in my situation that the more steps I take that get me closer to being the one to file or end it, the more she retreats, almost as if it's really just a threat that she makes to feel power over me. When I go talk to the divorce lawyer, separate our money etc...it empowers me and she is taken aback. Have you separated joint accounts yet? If you haven't I would split things down the middle, it will sent her a real jolt.