Number 8's Revelations, Mistakes, and New Methods

[rr22]

Guilt just is. I don't think it helps them or us. I don't like guilt. When I become aware I did somethign wrong, I seek to fix it quickly. That way i don't have to sit around steeping in the guilt of my bad behavior or misdeeds. It's called admit you did something specifically wrong, ask for forgiveness, and offer amends. Then move on!

[rr22]

That said, I can ignore some of my bad side until it's called to my attention too like everybody. Working on that as well without allowing it to go OVERBOARD into neurotic.

[rr22]

Boxer dog is just listening for the possum noises under the floorboards. That's why he has that attentive look on his face.

[Number 8]

I'm with you, rr22. I don't like guilt, either. It's a terrible feeling.

H will have to deal with his own guilt, but I often wonder if his feelings of guilt will cause him to further blame or alienate me. He might think, "I hate feeling so guilty, and it's HER fault. If she was completely out of my life . . . "

[mrbt]

8, I know what you are talking about. My wife actually told me she thought if she started fresh, with someone new, she wouldn't have to carry the guilt that she feels when she is with me. Its frustrating!

[Number 8]

Boxer dog is just listening for the possum noises under the floorboards. That's why he has that attentive look on his face.

Uh oh. I thought Boxer dog was riveted by what I had to say. I guess it makes sense that he would be tuned in to possum's comings and goings instead of hanging on my every word.

And speaking of possum . . .

He continues to elude capture. Pest control company has now been here for roughly 6 hours. Possum trap was checked early in the day, and no possum was found.

That doesn't mean the pest guys found nothing.

Hateful, vindictive possum has torn down about half the insulation under the house. I do not know if his motivation is spite or selfishness, but from what I hear, he has quite a nest down there.

Pest guys have spent much time removing torn-down insulation and any other trash possum has left.

Will he ever leave??

[Number 8]

mrbt, it would be frustrating to hear that. I can't imagine a spouse throwing away a relationship so that he/she doesn't have to feel guilty about the pain he/she has caused. It's just not rational, but in my case, my H isn't leaning toward the rational these days.

[Number 8]

trytryagain, I think I finally have some uninterrupted time to adequately respond to your post!

last week he came over, sobbed in my arms for about 3 hours about what a failure he was and how sorry he was, and asked me to sign a separation agreement. i am no professional, but if he's not clinically depressed, then i know absolutely nothing about human behavior.

Been there for this one. Several times. The only difference is that I haven't been presented with a separation agreement (knock on wood). I'll never cease to be amazed that my H CANNOT see his own depression!!

you said your H was on meds...i'm assuming they were anti-depressants? when you said something about your H starting home improvement projects and not finishing them, it really struck a cord with me, my H did that kind of stuff ALL THE TIME. he was diagnosed with adult ADHD about 2 years ago, and leaving unfinished projects all over the place is a very typical ADHD behavior. my H is currently in IC, but he said his C doesn't focus much on the ADHD.

He was taking Lexapro and quit cold turkey. Why did he stop taking it, you ask? He was cured! He didn't need it anymore!

I have ADD and have been medicated for more than a decade, so I can easily recognize the signs of ADD. He was forever starting things and not finishing them. He has quite a habit of interrupting, which is an ADD thing, too. His impulsivity is yet another issue. He acts on ideas immediately. I also wonder if that's another part of why he changes jobs so often.

i, like you, feel that my H is so lost in the muck of the emotional state that he's in that he doesn't know which way is up. he seems to feel like he's a complete failure and deserves everything he's brought on himself and i can't seem to talk him out of it. i've also read the chapters in DR on depression, but i just don't know how to reach him.

My H is also blaming me for a lot of what is going on. He cannot see his own depression, so I must be what's causing his great sadness.

at one point a few weeks ago, he asked me if i would consider counseling together.

I suggested counseling back in January and maybe once again in February, but my H said that he didn't see the use in telling another person the same things he'd already told me. Ugh.

there has been no real explanation for any of this, no other woman...just him telling me it's not going to work, he's too messed up and he needs to work on himself right now.

I've had no real explanation, either. There's no OW in my case, either. He just seems completely consumed with hopelessness about our relationship. Depression at its finest.

like you, i'm taking it one day at a time. trying not to lose hope, but i can't pull H out of this funk that he's in, and i also don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me and/or who continually questions the commitment that we made (this is the 2nd time we've separated in 2.5 years of marriage). the last time i saw him, i don't know...it's just like he's so far gone i hardly know who he is anymore. he cried in my arms and told me he felt lost, empty and broken. i said maybe this was not the best time to be making big decisions, but...there's no getting through to him right now.

Sooooo true for me right now. I feel like I don't know my own H AT ALL. I also cannot believe he seems so willing to walk away and give up.

as for his family, i have heard NIL from them. i spoke to my SIL a few times back in january, but have heard nothing from any of them since then, and not a peep out of his mother. they take a very strong stance of not being involved, although my SIL told me back in january that none of them supported the idea of us getting D, but they were just trying to be there for my H.

Okay, so I guess I understand the not getting involved. To a point!

I told my sister-in-law that I was so frustrated that no one was encouraging him to work out things with me. I told her that I wished someone would take a pro-marriage approach with him. I also said that I wished people would avoid the "just do what makes you happy" thing. There is no YOU anymore when you're married!

right before he moved out, my H and i sat on the kitchen floor and he cried about how he had tried and tried to make things work. last week he said he was sorry for giving up and he hoped that one day i'd be able to forgive him. i can't be angry...only sad that there is nothing i can do. i've done my best to be supportive and someone for him to lean on. i'm just worried that he's too far gone at this point.

My H has said several times that he has worked so hard--on our marriage, on the house, etc. He remembers things differently than they actually happened.

My H had said that he didn't want me to hate him forever for all this (including filing for divorce, if/when he does that). That seems so strange to me. If he's divorcing me, then what does he care what I think about him?

I'm so glad you shared with me. I'll get over to your thread soon and check out all the details.

I have thoroughly enjoyed the vacation. I felt some sadness today when I realized that it's Wednesday--I have to go back to work on Monday. However, I do have about 40 sick days built up, so I guess I could extend my vacation a little bit.

[flowmom]

8, your ability to enjoy your vacation impresses me very much . Good for you!

[rr22]

Number 8:
H will have to deal with his own guilt, but I often wonder if his feelings of guilt will cause him to further blame or alienate me. He might think, "I hate feeling so guilty, and it's HER fault. If she was completely out of my life . . .


I wonder this too. Another way to get blamed for someone else's crap...