Why am I consumed with regret at everything I did wrong. Why do I fantasize that somehow I could get the love back that was once there? WHy do I kick myself over and over for al the mistakes that chased H away?
Why can't I stand strong and be mad at him? SEe his faults? See how he hurts me?
Hope, these probably come from irrational thoughts that you have about your R with your H. Working on the steps of detaching helped me to see 1. how toxic my R is with H and 2. the number of irrational beliefs that I have about our M.
Look at some of the irrational beliefs that I identified below. See how they would lead to the kinds of thoughts that you're having? Yours are probably different than mine, but I'm guessing there's some overlap.
Step 2: Once you have identified the persons, places and things you have a toxic relationship with, then you need to take each one individually and work through the following steps.
Step 3: Identify the irrational beliefs in the toxic relationship which prevent you from becoming detached. Address these beliefs and replace them with healthy, more rational ones.
Irrational beliefs:
If I love H enough he will love me back.
H can't assume the full responsibility of being a parent.
I can't make it on my own financially.
My value derives from what H values in me.
H needs my influence to be a good person and father.
H will die if I don't take care of him physically. [my father died months after my mother and my sister (1yo) and I (3yo) left him]
A mate is for life.
My children will be scarred for life by divorce.
It's better to not know the whole truth.
If I "fix" H's complaints about me, we can heal our marriage.
I can avoid failure in my M if I just work hard enough.
Divorce is the worst thing that could happen to me.
I deserve to suffer for my faults.
I deserve to suffer for my mistakes.
My needs and wants are less important than those of others in the family.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
