Hope- I think you're doing the best you can under very difficult circumstances. I can't remember- do you work during the day when S is at school? I want to know that you're keeping busy somehow. It's ok to fall apart- just not in front of H :-). S will recover even if you have some depressive episodes- it's just important that you do everything to take care of yourself so YOU feel better - that will help you and S.

I can't belive H is still planning on going to MC. That tells me he has some ambivalence, but I wouldn't pin any hope on him right now- mostly to protect yourself.

Would it help if, every time you felt like picking up the phone you pictured him at his nastiest, being like he can be to you? You definitely don't want to talk to him like that, so maybe that will help (b/c probably the opposite is playing in your hopeful brain- like maybe he'll be sweet this time, etc.)

Also, you need to start eating and stuff. You are in a battle of sorts and you can't fight without fuel. Even if it's just cereal or something- eat, or you'll start feeling lousier and you won't be able to think straight (same with sleep).

I think it's just fine for S to be with his grandma- he enjoys himself when he's there and it gives you time to have a mini-breakdown outside of his presence if you need to or whatever. It is not a bad thing to send him there- it's a gift to both him and her- not all kids get to see their grandparents so often. You are, in fact, a GREAT mom for taking care of him in this way.

I think it's best if you're gone again if H is spending time at your house tomorrow. I think for now it's best not to be in his presence. Just my 2 cents.

(((Hope)))

When the men on the chessboard
Get up and tell you where to go;
And you've just had some kind of mushroom
And your mind is moving slow;
Go ask Alice...
I think she'll know.