This morning my W tried to start an argument but I bit my tongue. I had washed clothes which included her work uniform. She made the comment "great my pants sat in the dryer too long, mext time I'll do it myself, get them out myself" and I said nothing and just let it go.
That's exactly the kind of rude disrespect I think you need to call her on, when it happens.
I don't care WHAT her psychological issues are, appeasement just is never a good strategy.
I'd keep doing the flowers bit, and maybe some gifts to work. Perhaps 3 times a month if you can afford. Its interesting that the peer group will see your effort and sincerity. I believe over time it can be a "fog clearer", because her peer group will obviously see the guesture and she will have to do her mental magic to make herself think its irrevelent or a manipulation. Over time the reality should start to winning out.
I strongly disagree and "wearing her down" is some men's idea of "winning out". That is why some can't get it through their head's to stop R talks.......or buying gifts. She doesn't like it! She doesn't like the attention it brings at the office and there are always questions from other women and believe you me, she will take it out on her H.
I was not bringing her flowers but rather her father GF who had brain surgery. I learned many weeks ago not to buy gifts fir my W and not to offer to pay for something, it is considered controlling and takes away her sense of independence. I can't remember the last I spoke about our R with my W.
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This morning my W tried to start an argument but I bit my tongue. I had washed clothes which included her work uniform. She made the comment "great my pants sat in the dryer too long, mext time I'll do it myself, get them out myself" and I said nothing and just let it go.
Thats not straightforward, I know most of us would prefer to have a positive situation where you do nice things such as gifts every once in a while, and it has nothing to do with "power" or control.
I know most of us would prefer to have a positive situation where you do nice things such as gifts every once in a while
We must be discussing two separate things. OIN took flowers to the lady in the hospital (which is not his W) and unless he is using that as some avenue to kiss a$$, then it has nothing to do with what I am talking about. But, sending flowers to a WAW two or three times a week is certainly not something a LBH should do.
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I know most of us would prefer to have a positive situation where you do nice things such as gifts every once in a while,
Most of us would prefer to have a positive situation.....period. But with a WAW, it is not one.
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and it has nothing to do with "power" or control.
In some cases it might be seen as one trying to control, but in a MR it is seen by the WAS as very pursuing. That was why I did not agree with that line of thinking.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Agreeing with you in that in a WAW situation, WAW will usually withdraw more when you do "nice" or "positive" guestures.
I wish it wasn't this way. Is there anything else you can do other than a 180 in this case to regroup yourself?
Perhaps non-verbal communication, or how you spend your time may let them look at it in a different light?
The reality appears that we 180 to protect ourself, perhaps Affair Burst, but rely on LUCK that the spouse would like to come back home and take responsibility for what they have done and show a renewed committment.
I made a little lunch and prepared my W a plate. When she returned home from work the food was nice warm and she was just about to make herself something to eat and noticed the plate there and asked with a slight smile "Is that mine" and I replied "yes." She said thank you in a sincere way. I walked out the room and looked back over my shoulder slightly and my W just stared at me as if it was a thoughtful thing I had just done for her.
After and even up till now we had a pretty good exchange of words. Thinking back on those conversations so far today I can't remember a moment where she was cold toward me or gave me a mean/dirty look. Obviously she is not affectionate or "loving" but I'll take it.
There were a couple times where I had walked up stairs and both times she either called for me or came up to see what I was doing. She just decided to go to sleep so... I don't think we'll have much of any exchange for the rest of the day. She did however say she would be interested in doing something tomorrow.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
The goal here from your posts is that ulitmately you want HER persuing YOU.
As long as you are chasing her, she's not going to move a muscle.
Even longigng looks at her is pursuit... be VERY careful with those.. it can be STRESSFUL from her position to have someone gaze at her like that...
But this is all good. It makes no sense why she would want to do something together if she's just "counting the days" so you can take this as evidence that she's reconsidering.
I had said "I was thinking about going to 'place' you want to go?" She then replied "I'll think about it" then when she went into bed I knew that was the day so I wanted to make sure she was not set on going before I went myself so I asked "are you interested in going?" She said "not today but tomorrow we'll go there and do other stuff"
I know what you mean by pursuit and I am doing my best not to come across as such but I made the gesture today because I want her to know or feel as if I am a good guy. Release some of the tension. I have seen signs of pursuit on her part pretty much if I go to opposite level of the house as her she is asking what am I doing. Ultimately, yes, I want her to want to be with me and start to pursuit me and our M/R
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
I have seen signs of pursuit on her part pretty much if I go to opposite level of the house as her she is asking what am I doing.
OK, so this kinda dismisses the earlier concern you had that emotinal distance on your part is a turn off... it looks like it HELPS
I say keep up the kind actions. I DO think that puts a HUGE dent in her feelings of leaving. Making the lunches for the two of you and such... she wont say thank you but her internalizing reconsiering her wanting to leave is a thank you enough... she is showing signs you have her thinknig about this more...
She woudl'nt volunteer to go places with you if she was "counting the days".. but obvously don't call her on that
If you said something like "I thought you were counting the days.. NOW you want to go places with me?... Car to explain this contradiction?"
SHe would BOLT if you tried that stunt.
Just accept that what she SAYs isnt' what she's DOING.. she's ACTING as if he's exploring reconcilliation... ignore the thrats and focus on what she's doing.
The thing is Allen, through-out this entire sitch we have still done things with each other, such as the concerts, shopping, movies ect...but all along she would say "I'm still leaving" "just co-existing" and that is where I have been so confused. I mean look at what happened this past thursday if you go back to that post, she wanted to go do something and get something for the house then when I asked where she wanted to go look she turned it around as if she never said such and asked me how I was going to handle the mortgage after she left?.... So I don't know
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
My read of this is that she's just testing you, and mayby subconsciously trying to put you through some of the turmoil she went through.
No its not constructive, but WS's aren't known for being constructive... they basically put the work in your lap and they go off to brood.
I think you need to read the subtext rather than focus on the threat... what i am hearing is that she's still scared, still doesnt' trust you, and is still hurt.
THAT is understandable. MWD said in her DR book that a ROUGH estimate of D-busting time is one month for every YEAR you were together.. so you may have to deal with up to ten months of this... are you up for it?
