Then ,maybe instead of admonishing him like you did last night, when he asks you what you are thinking, perhaps you should tell him about those things you just listed above?
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I'm afraid that he thinks he has the upper hand right now, he thinks he's winning this "game" and he's fishing to find out what I know and how soon I'm leaving.
Maybe it's not clear from my posts, but he's ready to walk. He's in a deep emotional and physical affair right now and is not in any way, shape or form sorry for it. He feels like he's entitled to it.
I don't see how sharing my inner feelings with him to show him I'm vulnerable will help.
Puppy, give me some pointers then, if you're in the minority. I need a new direction. I know GAL. I'm going at lunch to get my motorcycle permit. That's a long dream I've had.
Should I go dark, dim, should I continue to be the better, more attractive option? I think I may be getting to him because he's cranky when I am nice and happy... but I also don't think he trusts since we've BTDT before.
I still want him to go to Retro, I'm sad but not surprised that he's said he won't go now.
I feel like asking H to pay for the Retro if he's not going to go. It was $650 and that was MY bonus money and I paid for it because he promised to go, and I believe it's unfair that he's pulled out at this point. Am I being childish?
Allen and Puppy will disagree I am sure, but it's just my opinion. Sometimes we have to listen to stuff even if we know it's not true or we don't like it; you can still learn from it. You have already said in an earlier post that listening has not been something you have been good at in the past - so it would be a good 180 for you.
I am all for listening to something he has to say if its under respectful circumstances. Demanding the time, place, and location out of your spouse for a one-sided conversation is not something I would reccomend accepting.
If he is willing to show you enough respect to negotiate a time to talk then I say give him all the ears he wants, but the way he handled it was why I reccomend you refuse him. Refurse and set an example of how to negotiate a civilized talk. Removing the fuse from your car to force a one-sided spew of lies is not it.
As long as he respects you and negotiates then give him an ear. If he starts lying or yelling, then you END it.
I guess that's one point I will challenge, I don't agree that a talk should continue once lies start coming forth... I would tell him you wont' tolerate being lied to and walk out.
Pass, the money thing is very worrisome. I would protect everything.
Really I don't trust anything he offers until he's offered to end his affair.
It may not be the case, but the safest assumption for you is this :
"If he's not ending his affair, any act of cooperation is a scheme"
It won't be the case, but you have to assume that by default or you could get taken.
I think you need to reiterate your original position again. If you don't challenge the affair regularly addicts ahve this way of thinking "no news is good news". If you do'nt constantly challenge their affair they seem to get the idea you are "ok with it"...
This is partly why Tuppy reccomends protection phase of the confrontation, exposure, and interventions don't work... But in your case he relies a lot on the closeness and it does seem to have some impact on him.
But right now you cna't trust him as a partner. Keep the finances locked down and keep pressing the point of the cheating.
You have every right to ask that he pay for Retro if HE is the one bowing out.
Have you found a decent Family Therapist yet? If he WANTs to talk and express his feelings, the BEST course of action is to find him a healthy and professional OUTLET for that... right now he's just turnign to you or OW and neither of you right now are equipped to help him properly.
I feel like asking H to pay for the Retro if he's not going to go. It was $650 and that was MY bonus money and I paid for it because he promised to go, and I believe it's unfair that he's pulled out at this point. Am I being childish?
I think they'll probably give you a refund, if you explain the situation.
I need a new direction. I know GAL. I'm going at lunch to get my motorcycle permit. That's a long dream I've had.