I don't love that he can lie to me and cheat on me and leave me home crying in pain with frickin' MRSA in my back on pain meds so he can go hook up with ow...
I don't love that he turns to porn, strippers, ows, and buying more 'stuff' to try and find happiness...
I don't love that he gets mad when our son is not the epitome of an athlete and tries to make it my fault...
I don't love that he reaches out to me when he apparently needs some kind of connection but then pulls back when he has gotten what he wants regardless of what I may want or need (granted that is within my control to change)...
I don't love that he can move out and go live with mommy and be taken care of instead of having to face the consequences of his decisions...
I don't love that he is wallowing in self-pity bc he misses his kids and his house is a mess and he hates his job and yada yada yada....but never does a damn thing about it
I don't love that he is not being the example of a husband and father that I wanted for my kids....
I love the good memories I have of the times when things between us were awesome...however those memories are offset by my increasing realization that there was a lot of NOT awesome mixed in starting 2 1/2 years into our dating life and popping up at least once a year thereafter (not just the cheating but other negative crap) all the way until now.
But I somehow still love the flawed, weak man who used to be my husband. I try to imagine how God feels about him (NOT that I am God!)...And I do hope and pray that someday he pulls his head out, grows a pair, and starts living life like a man of integrity.
So yeah, I do love him. But that doesn't mean I could ever have a relationship with him again....
