BBJ..I have a question for you..Do you still love Dan??
and please don't give me the "he's the father of my children so I'll always love him line" cause as a man, I don't believe that line...
to me..you either love someone or you don't..
Dan is a prime example of what old dogs do...they do what is comfortable to them..
Let me think on that one...I think I fall back on the old "we spent half our lives together, had kids together, of course a part of me will always love him" bit....hmm..
Just curious why you ask? You always have a point Mikey. I'll work on an answer for ya.
I don't love that he can lie to me and cheat on me and leave me home crying in pain with frickin' MRSA in my back on pain meds so he can go hook up with ow...
I don't love that he turns to porn, strippers, ows, and buying more 'stuff' to try and find happiness...
I don't love that he gets mad when our son is not the epitome of an athlete and tries to make it my fault...
I don't love that he reaches out to me when he apparently needs some kind of connection but then pulls back when he has gotten what he wants regardless of what I may want or need (granted that is within my control to change)...
I don't love that he can move out and go live with mommy and be taken care of instead of having to face the consequences of his decisions...
I don't love that he is wallowing in self-pity bc he misses his kids and his house is a mess and he hates his job and yada yada yada....but never does a damn thing about it
I don't love that he is not being the example of a husband and father that I wanted for my kids....
I love the good memories I have of the times when things between us were awesome...however those memories are offset by my increasing realization that there was a lot of NOT awesome mixed in starting 2 1/2 years into our dating life and popping up at least once a year thereafter (not just the cheating but other negative crap) all the way until now.
But I somehow still love the flawed, weak man who used to be my husband. I try to imagine how God feels about him (NOT that I am God!)...And I do hope and pray that someday he pulls his head out, grows a pair, and starts living life like a man of integrity.
So yeah, I do love him. But that doesn't mean I could ever have a relationship with him again....
well I understand..."being friendly" for the kids..but the extent of my "being friendly" is discussing Caleigh...I could never ever imagine sitting at the same table with Kim and having lunch, dinner...or anything else quite frankly....
it may just be a Mars/Venus thing....
it could be that when guys are done...then we are just done..
or it could be I am an exception to the rule and not considered what is "normal"
Maybe John or Kerry will have some words of wisdom..
well I understand..."being friendly" for the kids..but the extent of my "being friendly" is discussing Caleigh...I could never ever imagine sitting at the same table with Kim and having lunch, dinner...or anything else quite frankly....
it may just be a Mars/Venus thing....
it could be that when guys are done...then we are just done..
or it could be I am an exception to the rule and not considered what is "normal"
Maybe John or Kerry will have some words of wisdom..
OK Mikey, just writing my list above, makes me have NO desire to engage in chit chat, hang out with the kids, etc etc. Was that your point? Cause if so, you made it...
Maybe I need to print that out and carry it around or something for the times when I start to let my guard down and think it would be ok to be friendy with him...also I think some of it may be in direct proportion to the fact that I am talking with someone else and kind of dating...I don't feel the need to cling to Dan so I also don't feel as strongly that I must stay away from him, since I don't feel like I am chasing him...hope that made sense.
well...I guess sometimes I just read along and things jump out at me..I mean...sometimes it's hard to figure out if you're actually moving forward..or you're stuck...you're not the only one..I think it's more a male/female thing..I think guys may just move on faster that's all..
BBJ..I'm not trying to be an ass..I mean..I did not want to attempt to get you to remember the bad things he did..
I guess I wonder if you can ever have a new relationship if you still "love" the person who you were once married to, but are no longer with..
I was not trying to be an ass but may have come across that way...
You just need to realize that the bar can be raised quite a bit for the type of guy that you deserve. Just look at what SandyCay has now. I think you should not settle for anything less. Heal from your D and you will find a good man who you have chemistry with, activities/hobbies in common, similar religious/political views and who has very little baggage.
Remember that love is a choice, but that it is not recommended to try to force love and attraction towards another. I tried that with my last girl friend and you eventually find that you cant fake it anymore (women are better at faking certain aspects than guys).
well...I guess sometimes I just read along and things jump out at me..I mean...sometimes it's hard to figure out if you're actually moving forward..or you're stuck...you're not the only one..I think it's more a male/female thing..I think guys may just move on faster that's all..
BBJ..I'm not trying to be an ass..I mean..I did not want to attempt to get you to remember the bad things he did..
I guess I wonder if you can ever have a new relationship if you still "love" the person who you were once married to, but are no longer with..
I was not trying to be an ass but may have come across that way...
Mikey I definitely do NOT think you are an ass!! I have missed you actually...I knew you were going somewhere with that question.
Maybe it is a mars/venus thing. Maybe it is something I should talk about with my counselor today. I know that he has done so very many things that are just unacceptable and are things you don't do to someone you love...or if you do and then realize you made a terrible mistake, you don't partially blame them, or refuse to seek help, and then do it again...
I don't mind looking at the mental list of things he did that hurt. I don't wave it in his face like a vindictice shrew, I don't show it off to the world as proof that I have 'been wronged'...but it helps me get a reality check when I start thinking we can be ok friend types while raising our kids.
I don't know, if I have to wait until I feel no love for him at all, I may never date again....I really don't know...
You just need to realize that the bar can be raised quite a bit for the type of guy that you deserve. Just look at what SandyCay has now. I think you should not settle for anything less. Heal from your D and you will find a good man who you have chemistry with, activities/hobbies in common, similar religious/political views and who has very little baggage.
Remember that love is a choice, but that it is not recommended to try to force love and attraction towards another. I tried that with my last girl friend and you eventually find that you cant fake it anymore (women are better at faking certain aspects than guys).
Kerry I agree with this 1000%. I am not sure what is going to happen with R but I don't consider it a relationship by any means. AndI am certainly not looking at it as my next, last relationship!
R is a guy I really like as a person, he is a good guy, funny, smart, we have a lot of the same interests. You are right though he doesn't have the whole package (he does not love Glenn Beck, running, or country music). But when I described the ideal guy I wanted a few months back, John told me that guy most likely did not exist!
So I am not lowering expectations. For example I know for sure that I am NOT INTO college band guy. So if I ever do go watch him play I will go with some friends and just enjoy good music. I won't be going out with him alone agan, I have no desire to...
I know I am physically attracted to old HS bf who is back in town. But I also know he has children with a woman and that they seem to be having an on-again, off-again thing. So I am not pursuing anything there either, although a one-night makeout session would prob be ok with me!
Basically I like hanging out with R because he is fun to hang out with. And he is very good with words (duh he is a communications/lit teacher!), which sometimes leave my mind wandering. I am curious enough to see what happens. But if I decide we don't have great chemistry then I won't be crushed, either....I am young and I have plenty of time to figure out what will be best for me...
Maybe you are just one of the lucky few that can pull this off. I don't have a whole lot of feelings for ex. I certainly don't want to have lunch, hang out or go to a movie with him. We were best friends before this last affair came to light. You don't treat your friends the way he treated me. He burned too many bridges in my book.
As for Dan, I think he will continue to stay connected to you as much as he can. That way he won't feel that he has done anything really "wrong". He has issues that he needs to work through. I am not sure how much he work he will do if you continue to stay connected. Hope that makes sense.
You do have to do what feels right for you because we aren't in your shoes.
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
