The dreaded LIMBO

[4luv]

I was reading some of Saffie's responses on Passengers thread about learning what the BS's role was in the breakdown of the marriage. This got me to thinking about my role in what opened up the possibility for husband to even think about going back to his college flame (i.e. OW).

I honestly can't think of anything I did to contribute to it DURING the marriage. I can think of things I did while we were dating such as complaining when I wasn't happy, not being supportive enough, not being spontaneous, being too independent, focusing on myself too much. However, once we were married I completely 180'd from those behaviors. The things is from the time we were married to when we finally moved in together (4 months AFTER we got married) things were good. When we moved in together that is when my husband started saying he felt trapped, he felt stressed, wasn't happy. The only thing that I can say that I contributed to these feelings is I was 5 months pregnant when we moved in together to a different state, away from family and all of our friends. This was also around the time that my pregnancy went from normal to difficult and I was diagnosed with fibroids which continued to grow and unfortunately caused me ALOT of pain. I started having to rely on husband for almost EVERYTHING including grocery shopping, cleaning the bathrooms, washing the clothes most of the time. I gained 100 lbs and looked horrible. My ankles and feet swell so much that I went from wearing a size 7.5 or 8 shoe to a size 10!! (they have finally returned to normal size :-)) And even regular shoes were to narrow for how fat my feet got. It was hard to get in the shower and I couldn't even sleep lying down due to the pressure on my joints from the fibroids. I slept in a chair with an ottoman from 6month pregnancy until birth.

So I can see how that moment in time (those few months) COMPLETELY changed our dynamic as a couple. I looked a mess...I only got my hair done a couple of times during those months because I hated to go out with the pain. I kept trying to reassure husband that I would be back to my regular self after the pregnancy but it was too late.

Husband has said that he believes that we would not have had the problems in our marriage had we waited to start a family and had a chance to get used to living together and learning how to deal with OW and their son together first. That we could have had more time to connect instead of how it turned out. I agree with him but at the same time if he would have just stuck it out and not stepped out then we would be sailing smoothly now. I am no longer needy, I lost 90 lbs of pregnancy weight gained (only 10lbs to go!!) and our baby is very laid back and not at all hard to care for.

So how do I know my role in the marriage breakdown when I feel as though I was never given the chance. The breakdown started in month 5 of marriage or that is when I first saw text messages between husband and OW. It might of started before then but we were still living long distance.