The dreaded LIMBO

[4luv]

I read ALJ's post. What I see familiar is that ALJ like myself both ENABLE our husbands. She did the same thing that I did when my husband stayed with me at my parent's house. There is no CONSEQUENCES. Her husband (like mine) gets to live his bachelor life away from his wife and kids and pop in to PLAY father of the year whenever he feels like it.

Then she (like me...not putting you down ALJ) is wondering what strategy to do, what to say, etc. to make husband choose his family.

[Allen A]

Yep.. he shows up when he pleases, he leaves when he pleases, he takes the credit for being a father while she does all the work, and he gets defensive when she tries to speak up for fair treatment...

In short, he controls everything.

Whatever advice you give her, its the same you would want to give yourself, I see these two situations as both very similar.

I think you have had the time to build more confidence, and ALJ can certainly get there, but I am reading pursuit on both yours and her posts.. pursue sociopathic behaviour and you will just end up getting used.

You need to set firm boundaries to avoid being used... And again if you notice if i read it right both MIL's are enabling their sons...

[4luv]

My friend always has awesome advice and he sent this today. I really think it applies to my husband and alot of people that hurt themselves as well as others:

"When you live w/a spirit of hate you are unable to see past the hate you have for yourself & block your own blessings b/c you constantly do things to hurt yourself & others, even those you want to love. Until you can truly love & live with yourself you will always struggle living with & loving others, & deny those who want to the opportunity including your family"

[4luv]

Allen,

yes both MILs (mine and ALJ's) are enabling. I wanted to scream at my MIL yesterday when we were talking. She was also talking about her other sons and there marriages. Basically how as a mother she will always love her sons even though she doesn't agree with how one son is "whoring around" on his wife. She doesn't get in the middle of it because she doesn't want it to affect her relationship with her daughter-in-laws and being able to see her grandchildren. I don't think my MIL even really believes the severity of my husband's cheating. She was saying last night how basically everyone in their family sees my husband as the one who can do no wrong because he is the most successful one.

Sorry for the rambling but I will definitely give ALJ some advice so that I can keep my mind focused on how I need to be with my own husband.

[Allen A]

Sorry for the rambling but I will definitely give ALJ some advice so that I can keep my mind focused on how I need to be with my own husband.

Yes, this was my thinking.. you two can advise each OTHER and make a commitment to each OTHER to follow each other's advice... you both have enough similarities here that you can help each other and help bring yourselves to be more objective about your own relationships.

When you see your H do something now you can see ALJ's husband and it will dawn on you much more easily.. objectivity is what should come from this experiment... if you are up for it

[4luv]

I was reading some of Saffie's responses on Passengers thread about learning what the BS's role was in the breakdown of the marriage. This got me to thinking about my role in what opened up the possibility for husband to even think about going back to his college flame (i.e. OW).

I honestly can't think of anything I did to contribute to it DURING the marriage. I can think of things I did while we were dating such as complaining when I wasn't happy, not being supportive enough, not being spontaneous, being too independent, focusing on myself too much. However, once we were married I completely 180'd from those behaviors. The things is from the time we were married to when we finally moved in together (4 months AFTER we got married) things were good. When we moved in together that is when my husband started saying he felt trapped, he felt stressed, wasn't happy. The only thing that I can say that I contributed to these feelings is I was 5 months pregnant when we moved in together to a different state, away from family and all of our friends. This was also around the time that my pregnancy went from normal to difficult and I was diagnosed with fibroids which continued to grow and unfortunately caused me ALOT of pain. I started having to rely on husband for almost EVERYTHING including grocery shopping, cleaning the bathrooms, washing the clothes most of the time. I gained 100 lbs and looked horrible. My ankles and feet swell so much that I went from wearing a size 7.5 or 8 shoe to a size 10!! (they have finally returned to normal size :-)) And even regular shoes were to narrow for how fat my feet got. It was hard to get in the shower and I couldn't even sleep lying down due to the pressure on my joints from the fibroids. I slept in a chair with an ottoman from 6month pregnancy until birth.

So I can see how that moment in time (those few months) COMPLETELY changed our dynamic as a couple. I looked a mess...I only got my hair done a couple of times during those months because I hated to go out with the pain. I kept trying to reassure husband that I would be back to my regular self after the pregnancy but it was too late.

Husband has said that he believes that we would not have had the problems in our marriage had we waited to start a family and had a chance to get used to living together and learning how to deal with OW and their son together first. That we could have had more time to connect instead of how it turned out. I agree with him but at the same time if he would have just stuck it out and not stepped out then we would be sailing smoothly now. I am no longer needy, I lost 90 lbs of pregnancy weight gained (only 10lbs to go!!) and our baby is very laid back and not at all hard to care for.

So how do I know my role in the marriage breakdown when I feel as though I was never given the chance. The breakdown started in month 5 of marriage or that is when I first saw text messages between husband and OW. It might of started before then but we were still living long distance.

[saffie]

Everyone's sitch is different. Sometimes it is just circumstances out of one's control that cause a M break down.

Don't take what I was saying to passenger and apply it to your own sitch. I was trying to get something across to her and I was trying to make her think and stop spewing what I felt was unhelpful stuff, at her husband. Things she had said in her previous posts made me feel that she needed to stop and review her position. I thought some reflection might help her.

I don't know your sitch, so don't sweat what I was saying to passenger - please.

[4luv]

This is day 6 of NC with husband. This is the longest time we have EVER not spoken to each other. I am wondering what he is up to? I have been GAL but will admit that my mind wonders to him a lot more than when we were actually talking everyday. I wonder if he is thinking about me but I am trying not to think to much about it.

One of the things that gets me is that the last thing husband said to me when I ended our conversation on Friday morning was "drive safe and dont get any tickets." This was during the conversation where we were just talking for about and hour about nothing but just friendly chatting and husband keeping me company while I was driving out of town. IT did seem like we could have potentially started to make steps toward each other (again, not really sure but just sensing that husband was starting to miss me). I just keep going back over the past few days since Friday morning and then the phone call from OW on Friday evening trying to figure out what could have happened. Then the text message from husband on Sunday saying "I am sorry about what happened. I am trying to clean out my closets...meaning skeletons in his closet." Then nothing but some simple emails asking what I was doing and Easter pics of son.

It just feels weird not knowing anything. We are both dark with each other. Are we just waiting for one to make a move to end the marriage? Or is one of us waiting for one to make a move towards the other? My mom feels like husband tried to communicate with me with his text messages and emails and thinks that it was immature of me to not respond just because it wasn't the type of communication that I was looking for. But I have to remind myself that I did call husband on Monday and he did not pick up on none of my calls. That says alot to me and it is what keeps me going with my NC. I reached out and he ignored me and only followed up with emails and no mention of missing my calls.

Just getting out some feelings.

[Allen A]

Your feelings are likely mutual

The RISK here is you picking up the phone from the first stage of him missing you.

If you want him to REALLY want to come BACK you need to HOLD OUT longer than six days.

you need to reject calls for like a month or two.. until he REALLY sees you mean BUSINESS and he can't just call you up, get his fix and run away again.

I am fearful right now that you will fall apart at the first phone call or text he makes...

Don't get hooked on contact iwth him right now.. the contact isn't healthy for you.. its as much a drug as any other... you are giong through a withdrawal of sorts now too...

once you are past that, and you can ignore the calls by choice knowing they aren't good for you THEN you are in a healthy position to challenge him mroe... but right now this demonstrates how vulnerable you are right now... high risk fo breaking NC.

[mb28]

4luv, what Allen said about you going through withdrawal is so true. I never made it more than 2 days, because I was addicted to talking to him and I couldn't handle wondering all the time what he was doing.

NC is the hardest thing I ever attempted to do, but I believe it works if you can stick with it and it is better for you. I have very little contact with my H, except for kids. And for the last week and a half he has started to try to share with me more about his life. However, I just say stuff like "oh that's nice" or "that will be fun for you". And I don't offer any of my life with him.

It has made me feel so much better. I still think about him all the time and I do still wonder what he is doing. But it is getting easier.

Hang in there, you are strong, and you can do this!!!! Keep up the NC.