Weird thing today. As I was driving around for my to-do list, I got this feeling that I need to pull it together. I've been overspending, mailing it in at work, not working out enough, too tempermental with the girls, worrying about the future.
It kind of went away, but not totally.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Boundaries is an excellent book for helping you guard the things important to you, focus on what matters, and keep out what doesn't. There is also another book on that site, 9 Things You Must Do, to help you live a more focused, intentional life.
I feel the same way frequently. I know I 'phone it in' a lot at work myself!
Hi Clinging, it's good to do a mini review once in a while and set yourself some new goals, even if it's just one! This experience is a rollercoaster and it comes in waves. I find there are times when I feel like I'm moving on and life is getting to where I want it to be and then suddenly I'm back treading water. It's frustrating but we each have to realize that this is not a one year, two year thing (while some are able to do it that way). You lost an incredibly meaningful R which you put years into. If you were betrayed it adds a bit more to the process. I'm not saying we sit around feeling sorry for ourselves and blame our spouses, what happened happened. I think we need to look for ways to move forward but also be kind to ourselves when we fall back. It'a a long road but that's life, I suppose. We can just do our best for ourselves and our families, who could ask for anything more than that?
The first mediation session is today and I was mentally ready. Then my attorney's secretary called. W's L has scheduled a court appearance for next Tuesday where they are going to ask for a temporary order.
The temporary order is for statute mandated child support, full possession of the house and to be recognized as the sole physical custodian.
Plus W wants to take the taxes to a tax consultant.
The tax part makes me laugh. She has no documentation for anything. I don't know what a tax attorney is going to do for us.
The temporary order means I'll be facing what I've always dreaded, sitting in court arguing about ending something I never wanted to end.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
You don't know me, I'm over in MLC, but I've seen what you're going through in your sitch, and it is a very tough one. I don't know much about why they (WAS, MLCers) do these things, but I do know a bit about the legal process.
I'm writing today because you are, as I'm sure you know, in a very precarious situation all of a sudden. Mediation is one thing, temp order is very different.
I learned from my experience that you generally can't really ask for a temporary order unless one spouse has not been contributing financially throughout the separation. If you are the greater wage-earner, then you should be paying some support all along. If you are the lesser wage-earner, then you should be contributing somehow. Your L should have told you this. Also what you can or can not do now.
Also, the house is a marital asset, she can not just have it. Unless you owe her tons of money and they are trying to settle it out.
Lastly, whatever the courts do decide with a temp order, often it becomes status quo and then when you do go through it officially the courts tend not to want to deviate from this. This has major ramifications for you, if you really want joint custody, which given how you feel about the kids, would seem to be a good thing.
OK, you need to find out NOW what your L has to say. TODAY. You also need to go see some other L's, with other types of strategies, and ask them what you should do / what they can do to help you. Go see them tomorrow, no kidding. Make appointments NOW. You might have to pay them for their time. If you keep it short, you should get away with about 1/2 billing (many will bill by less than hour increments - ask on the phone). When you call them up, tell them you need to see them asap (which is very common in family law). Find out your rights, do not wait to be sitting in court, find out NOW.
The temporary order means I'll be facing what I've always dreaded, sitting in court arguing about ending something I never wanted to end.
If she is going to court for Temporary orders, is mediation really going to be the place for you?
Not sure about your state, but temp orders require someone to have already filled for Divorce with the court, and both parties and attorneys should be present in my state. I am suprised that you are just hearing about this now, and that the court will have the hearing in 1 week? The court needed to subpoena my stbxw and give her time to respond to the filing before setting a date.
If I were you, I would be on the phone with you attorney discussing the ramifications of this.
It's stressful no doubt, and you can only control what is in front of you at the given moment, so focus on that and not what you feel 'may' happen. You can't predict the future, so don't waste energy on it.
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
In my state, Iowa, as soon as I filed my atty wrote up request for a temporary order including H to share legal fees, H to pay child support while process what carried out. He was already doing that so it didn't really amount to anything. Neither of us went to court, my atty just submitted some papers apparently.
The temporary order is just a step in the process, I've been told. I've been paying $920 a month ever since I moved out. She's had them 9 nights out of 14 since July when I moved in to my apartment. She's had control of the house.
So I'm doing everything she's asking. The problem is she wants more in support and she wants to cut back on the time that I have with them now. The house isn't an issue. I don't want to be there.
I have to do a financial affidavit on Friday.
The mediation session ... well, it went fine for a while. She staked out her position that she's the more responsible parent. That I miss things. I'm more interested in fun and physical activities than schoolwork.
I disagreed and said they've missed nothing in my nights and that I'm actually the better parent for homework -- especially English and math -- and that because I have the more flexible schedule they've grown up with me doing the majority of the cooking, cleaning, picking them up for doctor's appointments and staying home with them.
She said her job is getting more flexible and she doesn't have to work as much outside of normal times.
I said that was good. I just wished it had happened several years ago but that doesn't change the fact the girls are used to this being a 50/50 thing.
It got heated when I brought up finances. I said we'd agreed joint physical custody would be fine in February as long as she could refinance the house. When the refi fell through she then went for sole physical custody because she couldn't afford the house.
She said I tricked her into the meeting and was consulting with a lawyer all along.
I said she saw three lawyers before I ever saw one and I only hired my attorney after she filed ... you get the gist.
After, she waited for me on the stairs and threatened to bring up online porn.
I don't think I've ever brought this up on the forums because it's embarrassing. But as she withdrew and I'd lie awake night after night wondering how to turn things around, I'd occasionally go upstairs and seek the release elsewhere.
She knew and after seeing a counselor and church groups last year I wrote her a long letter apologizing. I can't hide from it.
I don't even own a computer now. I just borrow the ones from work and I'm not stupid enough to use those for that.
I told her that she could introduce that letter to the court and I would readily admit to it, but I'd also ask my counselor to testify that I'm working on it.
I told her if she wanted to bring that up then I'd bring up my concerns that she has romance novels stacked up all around the house and that the girls found sex toys under her bed at Dll's birthday party. She told them they were back scratchers.
Both things were for the same problem -- we were/are both lonely. I looked on the computer. She retreated to reading trashy novels with a glass of wine and a vibrator.
It may sound like I'm just throwing it out there in retaliation. But I do have concerns. Her mom has hundreds of these novels. W grew up watching her dad play solitare in one room while her mom read Harlequins. That's her idea of a marriage.
So yes, I do have concerns, but I wasn't going to bring them up. But now she's threatening me.
Boy is this going to be a mess.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
