Show of hands - expose or not - success stories

[saffie]

Well, as your asking...

Got back from trail running with DSD and I spoke to him. Shouldn't have, I know that, but told him that I never wanted control, he gave it to me, maybe he should look at the common denominator in his relationships with women. Mother, XGF, 1XW, 2W

Did he 'give' it to you....or does he just go for a certain type of woman that wants control? Whatever the reasoning, the fact is that at the moment he is telling you he doesn't like it. Yep, it's probably bullsh!t looking at his history, but at the moment perhaps you need to be more careful how you respond.

He expressed that he didn't think I heard him yesterday. Apparently he doesn't like the validation thing. Thought it sounded like it came from a book,.....

Well, he's right!!!

...he didn't think I had heard him.

Probably because he doesn't trust you at the moment.

I asked him what sort of response he had expected. Did he want me to beg, plead, cry?

I expect he wants to hear that you want him - and yep - he is obviously looking for emotion - so what.

Because right now, he's not a man I respect.

I am with you here lady, but knowing how much respect is tied into a man's feelings of self worth I really wouldn't have hit that nerve. Respect is something he has to earn - inside he knows that. Thing is, I bet OW makes him feel respected - honestly, I would try to avoid this little area whatever is the truth.

He's a liar, cheater, he's stolen my past and future, and he has not treated me even as a friend. He protested that. I told him that when he went outside the M to OW and friends and told them things about me being crazy (essentially) he violated my trust and privacy.....

Well done

....and I did not respect him.....

Ouch again

......and I did not ever see myself wanting to be "friends" with someone who did that.

I would have said something more like "....and I wouldn't even want to treat a friend like that, let alone my spouse". Take the personal finger pointing out of it whilst still making the point you want to get across. It's hard to think of things in the heat of the moment though.

Thing is, I get the feeling that you were expecting a fairly quick turn around from your H when exposure took place as you thought he wouldn't be able to cope with what his family would think of him. That's sort of bullying him by using his family.

Exposure needs to happen but mostly it takes a while for the chips to settle. I was lucky, in my sitch it took a week from finding out about A to OW being gone and H being fully recommitted. I did keep channels of communication open all the time though but I was careful how I phrased things. Personal attacks on your H are not going to help him want to come closer - they will drive him into OW's arms. When he asks you what you are thinking and how you feel, all you have to say is hurt and deeply saddened and that you hate seeing him in such turmoil too. You don't have to attack. You have exposed the A - that was your attack. Now let him spew and you let it wash over - don't get dragged into petty retaliation.

Look passenger, something must have been wrong in the M for him to go outside it for comfort. You need to establish what that was. In very few cases is it down completely to one S.

I sometimes find it hard advising people in this forum because I have 'gone beyond it' and I know that in piecing and beyond you need to 'own your own sh!t' to move on.

I know you are hurting and letting off steam on here, but if you want to save your M you need to start digging and focus on what went wrong. He's done this before to you- why?

Personally I think you need to treat him like an errant toddler and just watch and observe the spew and rise above it. He needs to get this stuff out of his system - better he throws it at you than he runs to OW who will validate him, (she knows no better), or he runs to friends or FIL and MIL, and convinces them his way of thinking is right.

Allen and Puppy will disagree I am sure, but it's just my opinion. Sometimes we have to listen to stuff even if we know it's not true or we don't like it; you can still learn from it. You have already said in an earlier post that listening has not been something you have been good at in the past - so it would be a good 180 for you.

If he is still in your bed then that's a pretty good sign.....as is talking about things in the future. My H had stopped doing that - talking about things in the future that is.