Another thing... as I lay in bed last night watching South Park with him, he mentioned that I had called the well guy to come out and look at our system. I said it was going to cost $xxx to fix our problem, and he said "that's not bad, I thought it would be much more." Does he think he's getting the house, or not facing up to the truth that if we D, there is no house? It sounded like future planning to me. We talked about how "we" would handle the well and budget for it.
What do you all think about me separating our money out? Getting separate bank accounts? He's asking me to teach him our money situation. I was thinking that we split the bills 50-50 with each our own accounts, but he pays for his kids, of course. May give him the sense of independence he wants.
Got back from trail running with DSD and I spoke to him. Shouldn't have, I know that, but told him that I never wanted control, he gave it to me, maybe he should look at the common denominator in his relationships with women. Mother, XGF, 1XW, 2W
Did he 'give' it to you....or does he just go for a certain type of woman that wants control? Whatever the reasoning, the fact is that at the moment he is telling you he doesn't like it. Yep, it's probably bullsh!t looking at his history, but at the moment perhaps you need to be more careful how you respond.
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He expressed that he didn't think I heard him yesterday. Apparently he doesn't like the validation thing. Thought it sounded like it came from a book,.....
Well, he's right!!!
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...he didn't think I had heard him.
Probably because he doesn't trust you at the moment.
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I asked him what sort of response he had expected. Did he want me to beg, plead, cry?
I expect he wants to hear that you want him - and yep - he is obviously looking for emotion - so what.
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Because right now, he's not a man I respect.
I am with you here lady, but knowing how much respect is tied into a man's feelings of self worth I really wouldn't have hit that nerve. Respect is something he has to earn - inside he knows that. Thing is, I bet OW makes him feel respected - honestly, I would try to avoid this little area whatever is the truth.
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He's a liar, cheater, he's stolen my past and future, and he has not treated me even as a friend. He protested that. I told him that when he went outside the M to OW and friends and told them things about me being crazy (essentially) he violated my trust and privacy.....
Well done
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....and I did not respect him.....
Ouch again
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......and I did not ever see myself wanting to be "friends" with someone who did that.
I would have said something more like "....and I wouldn't even want to treat a friend like that, let alone my spouse". Take the personal finger pointing out of it whilst still making the point you want to get across. It's hard to think of things in the heat of the moment though.
Thing is, I get the feeling that you were expecting a fairly quick turn around from your H when exposure took place as you thought he wouldn't be able to cope with what his family would think of him. That's sort of bullying him by using his family.
Exposure needs to happen but mostly it takes a while for the chips to settle. I was lucky, in my sitch it took a week from finding out about A to OW being gone and H being fully recommitted. I did keep channels of communication open all the time though but I was careful how I phrased things. Personal attacks on your H are not going to help him want to come closer - they will drive him into OW's arms. When he asks you what you are thinking and how you feel, all you have to say is hurt and deeply saddened and that you hate seeing him in such turmoil too. You don't have to attack. You have exposed the A - that was your attack. Now let him spew and you let it wash over - don't get dragged into petty retaliation.
Look passenger, something must have been wrong in the M for him to go outside it for comfort. You need to establish what that was. In very few cases is it down completely to one S.
I sometimes find it hard advising people in this forum because I have 'gone beyond it' and I know that in piecing and beyond you need to 'own your own sh!t' to move on.
I know you are hurting and letting off steam on here, but if you want to save your M you need to start digging and focus on what went wrong. He's done this before to you- why?
Personally I think you need to treat him like an errant toddler and just watch and observe the spew and rise above it. He needs to get this stuff out of his system - better he throws it at you than he runs to OW who will validate him, (she knows no better), or he runs to friends or FIL and MIL, and convinces them his way of thinking is right.
Allen and Puppy will disagree I am sure, but it's just my opinion. Sometimes we have to listen to stuff even if we know it's not true or we don't like it; you can still learn from it. You have already said in an earlier post that listening has not been something you have been good at in the past - so it would be a good 180 for you.
If he is still in your bed then that's a pretty good sign.....as is talking about things in the future. My H had stopped doing that - talking about things in the future that is.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
This makes me suspicious. Is this OW getting him to find out if what you told her is true?
Do you control the accounts? Sounds like you do. If so, but your H has access - then protect yourself.
It does raise a question in my mind though, what does your H know about your M? He sounds more like your child than your H.
I must admit that pre bomb and A, I had always dealt with the money.....however my H was the one that earned it....so he ultimately had control in that he could get it paid into another bank account if he wanted etc.
Now we are a partnership and deal with the finances together.
How well have you and your H communicated over the years?
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
We didn't communicate. I'm in finance and yes, I've dealt with our finances. I have asked him many times to get involved. I would have issues because he likes to spend and I can't say no to him, so we never seem to pay the bills, although I have done so well getting others out of debt, things just snowballed with us and got entirely out of control. Many emergency costs we weren't prepared for and poor spending habits.
Yes, I'm suspicious that she's asking about it also. One more thing for "her" to have to worry about - when we file bankruptcy, it's five years of broke for us as we pay everyone back.
If It's that bad .....and he has caused a lot of it as the spending has been on him.....then I would show it all to him, and also spreadsheet out what his % share of the spending was.
I know how hard it is to say no when money is asked for - my problem has been with my children. However, doing the finances together as husband and wife really does make you a team. Where my H used to just let the kids have what they wanted he now makes them earn it by doing chores etc. I am lucky that we are fairly comfortable financially and I feel for you with the bankruptcy thing. Time to prove it to OW perhaps through your H - I pretty much think that might make her sit up and see sense.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Saffie, I did expect a quick response and I got it for sure, however, exposure may not have been complete as MIL/FIL haven't admitted to him yet that they know.
Should I ask them to be honest and come out and say they know and will not support it?
Personally, I would just say to MIL and FIL that they needn't hide the fact that they know if your H starts discussing your M with them....and leave it at that.
I would then sit back and watch things unfold a bit.
I know it's hard when you are used to being in control....I felt the same.....but it's a 180, no? Things take time to settle. OW will learn the truth. Yout H will see how difficult it will be to unravel your lives. OW will lose interest. As you and your H learn to get on better your H will forget what he saw in OW, and why he felt the M was so bad.
What worries me is that I don't think you have addressed WHY things got to this state - have you?
He blames you, you blame him...........no-one takes responsibility for their own part.
There is NEVER a good reason for an A. However, when an A happens one does need to look at why the offending party felt the need to look outside the M. Was it to forget your financial situation? Well, if your H knew about it I might have thought so....but it seems he didn't. So what was/were the reason/s?
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Oh, no, not at all, I have absolutely addressed the things I did to get here. I'm still mulling it all over. There's some truth to what he says, but he's blowing it WAY out of proportion. I know that's how he feels - and it's under the influence of the A...
Here are the issues in our M as I see it. 1. Uneven distribution of work and control. I want him to take more, he is afraid of doing it. I therefore take control entirely. I don't like it, resent it, and he resents it. Could never figure out how to stop it. 2. Not enough quality time spent together. This is huge for him, but I've become full time stepmom and no time having fun at all. I'm the "grown up" and he's the child looking for a playmate. (he and OW spend all their time going to bars and drinking-or at least they did until I pointed it out and now he seems to have stopped drinking.) 3. NO communication on either side. My only communication lately was yelling at him. I was SO done with our M the way it was. I definitely pushed him with my yelling. Wish I could take it back now, that's for sure. 4. I was depressed the past year because I was stuck at home while he was going to work on the apt, doing his own thing, and I felt he wasn't spending time with us. Instead of making a pleasant place for him to come home to, I'd be upset about that. 5. I am too high energy, too many irons in the fire. I get passionate about something and it absorbs me and he goes along with the sweep of the tide, and then resents always being so "busy" I have to learn to relax more. 6. He says I'm too needy, need to be with him all the time, but that's communication. Nothing could be further from the truth, I cherish my time alone, and wish I had a ton more time alone. 7. I got pretty fat. I've lost 30 pounds and have another 40 to go. That was not only not attractive to him, but it made me self conscious and pull inside my shell quite a bit.
