Hi Future, Its true. We try hard to be "nice" but in the end it is so important to hold your ground. I kept feeling like I had been erased in my marriage, and it was from constantly giving in. I see that to a certain extent, I brought it upon myself by being too nice and by letting my H get his way almost all the time. With a different spouse, that might have been OK, but it encourages someone who has selfish/manipulative tendencies to become even MORE selfish and manipulative, and the other to become a victim. I first clicked on your thread because of the title about the W not regretting the A. It struck a chord--I kept feeling like I had allowed my H to be so selfish that he thought he could have an A and still stay married. He says he NEVER wanted a D, so it seems he got to the point where he felt like there were no consequences for his actions. Anyway, it's a cycle, and I see that it takes two to tango. Its hard to see it when its going on, but the more distance you get, the clearer it becomes. Enabling, taking on too much responsibility, erasing your wants/needs by giving in to those of your spouse, etc...in the end, if we allow it to happen, we help bring the situation upon ourselves...
I switched my phone so that H's calls go directly to voicemail. It lets me hear the message and decide how I want to reply. It also lets me reply ONLY to the part of the message about the kids or business, and not reply to whatever else he has in there (and he usually includes something else about his emotional state to try and draw me back in...) I can then reply with a text or an e-mail. I'm even getting rid of our land line (which is only used by telemarketers anyway, it seems), and I got the boys their own cell phones for Easter. When I call them, now, I can speak directly to them and can limit my contact with H. The less contact I have, the better I feel, so its important to listen to those feelings and act accordingly. And the boys are free to call their dad or text him whenever they want, and that increased contact is really good for them, I think. The cell phones were free, and end up costing about the same as the landline--as long as they don't lose them!
