Read hangingon4's story-- a pregnancy abandonment and a success story!
Hangingon4's sitch was totally awful. Her WAH was in deep MLC, or some such thing. Then one day he just "flipped around". Did either of you devine what she did to help that process? Apart from praying & holding on, that is!!!
Yes... the card totally confused me but I am trying not to read to much into it. That is the H that I always knew... not this crazy wacko who leaves his wife pregnant! like i said we can have onversation and i can see that when i am myself and nice he is himself, and as soon as I get crazy he backs off and becomes mean and quiet!
A - the month before he left, he was under tremendous stress with school, bombed a really important cumulative exam that could have basically made the entire 2 years in the program null, he was given the opportunity to retake it and did extremely well the 2nd tim (also in december). in those weeks, he lost weight, became withdrawn, and i just thought it was because of school, not sure if that was the case. initially when he dropped the bomb on me and said ILYBINILWY, he said it was school and his studying that put the distance between us and that school completely stress him out. It is a full time clinical program, with a full work load of classes and papers and exams and it is extremely intense. Not making excuses for him, but when he was accepted into the program, they have a counselor speak with each prospective student to let them know how it may affect his life. He came home that day and said how lucky he was to have me support him and he wasnt worried because nothing could ever break us. he said he told the counselor this too, bc they do ask if you have support at home. they warned him.
i still think regardless of if he has OW or MLC or whatever the story maybe, this all stemmed from depression and stress. even our families agree that he is not himself, depressed now and it is changing his whole life. I suggested he go back to counseling for himself. He is very down on himself lately bc i will not let him be in the baby's life planning now, if he can not be my spouse. he said he feels ike the worlds worst father...
i am not feeling bad for him. he doesnt seem to feel bad for me!
One thing that stuck out to me in hangingon4's story is when she started seeing someone else, suddenly the WH became interested again! I totally think that could happen with us, but at the right time of course.
I want to throw in that my WH was terribly, horribly depressed. As you may remember, we sent him to the IC who diagnosed him with the adjustment disorder. He was pretty bad. He still has sobbing episodes. . . definitely out of his mind.
Gotta go to a meeting now- bye!
me, 30 WH, 29 D born June 2010 M: July 2001 Bomb/S: 1/14/10 Done with it all.
it was over the phone and text messages. but i had to ask what his goals were and why the change of heart he said because he wanted to do something nice for me and I mentioned it so he wants to go? I am so upset... i dont need a Psych to tell me he doesnt love me? i want to go to therapy only if he is fully committed to saving ou marriage.
I dont know what to make of it... so i backed off. as always... it turned into not so nice words... and he insisted he would go, and he was just being honest by telling me that he was going for me, because he was selfish for so long and now he wants to do this for me?
so which is it? is it scared to admit he wants us to get help? or is he really doing this bc he thinks i need to go to therapy to have someone evaluate us and say we are better off apart bc he truly has no feelings for me? or is he just trying to be nice because in 3 months the baby will be here?
i know... (and he said it too) i read into things too much. He is a terrible communicator and i talk too much.
im too tired of this back and forth and BS. i am trying to avoid al communication with him... it does us no good. he is obviously very confused and has issues and i cant deal with the hot/cold episodes.
i want to crawl under a rock and just stay there... i need a vacation from my own thoughts and feelings!
i need to start planning for my baby and my own life and just forget about him for good. i dont have the stregnth anymore.
so which is it? is it scared to admit he wants us to get help? or is he really doing this bc he thinks i need to go to therapy to have someone evaluate us and say we are better off apart bc he truly has no feelings for me? or is he just trying to be nice because in 3 months the baby will be here?
Here's a thought... why not ask a marriage counselor? He may go in with an agenda, but a good counselor will figure that out.
Waiting until he's fully committed to working things out is like waiting until you have stopped drinking before you go to an AA meeting.
If you are really done with him and he says he is done with you, then it won't be worth the effort. But if you both have at least some desire to try to figure it out, why not go?
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
TrentC, that's good advice. I think you'll got nuts trying to second guess his reasons for wanting couselling.
What did you reply?
My feeling is, let him work hard for your attention - that doesn't mean play games, it means tap into your self-respect and don't go running to fast towards him.
Tell him you'll think about his offer & get back to him when you have decided. Be civil, but short. You control the communication and keep it to email if it's the best way to keep comminication positive and not destructive.
Now, time for you to work on your optimism? Tell yourself you can win this. You haven't tried everything yet. Go back to the Goal setting excersice in DR and lower your expectations.
Of course I don't know your sitch like you do, but my hunch is that this is very winnable. I reckon he might just come around.
Also I think you need to go to your new thread and put more detail. I'll head over there now..
TrentC, i did leave a message with a Pro-Marriage C that I spoke to weeks ago, when we thought about co-parenting C. She basically said she thought he was scared, etc. I am not done with him, that's the problem. He left me pregnant, filed for divorce 60 days later, and i cant stop loving him or thinking we have what it takes to make things work between us.
Last I told him was if he wanted to go to C then book it, pay for it, and let me know when it is i would drop everything and show up...
maybe i just need to back of a bit and see what happens. everytime i back away, he inches closer... he confuses me and i dont think he knows what he wants!
I overthink everything entirely too much!
But if the C calls me back I will ask her what she thinks...
i cant do it. I cant stop the calls and texts! what is wrong with me. i really think i should just stop DBing and just start forgetting about him and move on. there is nothing left to fight for. i have 3 months to get ready for the baby and i cant waste anymore time on him. he doesnt care. doesnt love me, never did. at least not the way a man should love his wife.
i need to work on forgetting him and fixing me. need to learn how to be a single mom. need to figure out names for this little angel baby of mine, and who's last name i give him.
sorry to sound so negative, just DBing is not for me, or should i say him.
