FM- can you explain what you mean by that? (the only good choices for you right now are ones that are good for either outcome.) Do you mean work on whatever will serve you no matter what path your life takes? So, not to focus on working on something b/c it will lead you one way or the other, but just b/c it's a good thing to work on?
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
(Hope, sorry, this is your thread, but Kalni has intrigued me- pardon the interruption)
Kalni- so, how did you strike the balance between confidently letting him know you still were interested in reconciling but you would also be fine without him? I'm really struggling with this. I fear that my happy demeanor speaks louder than my words (that I said once and left it) that I want to work things out. I'd love more detail on how you walked this line- this is H4L's thread, so maybe you can hop over to mine? thanks- it seems like we can learn a lot from you!
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
Freckle- thank you for sharing. That is really enlightening about how you felt relief to get that paper! I think it's hard for most of us to imagine feeling that, but in a way it makes sense. The fear gets overwhelming and paralyzes us, putting us in a reactive corner that it's hard to get out of. Getting over the fear is hard, but I can see why we all need to do it.
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
Hope- YOU are strong too. You're still fighting, aren't you? You're still getting up in the morning and wading through the muck to take care of you and S and live a life. That is strength, my dear, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.
You made it a day, right? Now all you have to do is one more day- then we'll all check in and cheer you on again . There is a whole team out here thinking of you and rooting you on. I know it seems so counter-intuitive to be dark when you want to reach out to him, but I agree it's best and it will NOT hurt your hopes of potentially reconciling- it can only help, by letting things calm down, letting you gather your strength and giving him a big gaping hole of silence that will seem so out of character that he will start wondering and thinking...
(((H4L)))
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
You are all so wonderful and are keeping me afloat here as I struggle with pain..and trying to do the right thing.
I am still fighting. I do still love him. He is still coming to MC with me even though a couple weeks ago he said he was done. He also said he loved me. I don't know if he's done or not. I can't believe him anymore. What I do know is that if I don't polarize the conversation with my needs to reconsile, then he doesn't have the reaction to hold firm in the opposite opinion. If I leave him alone with both sides to ponder, maybe after many months, even years, he will return. I don't know.
yes, the silence will be a 180 - if I can do it. He's coming over thursday to be with S and I"m tempted to stay at my neighbor's again over night = worried this will confuse S and make him feel abandoned, but for H it would be a good 180.
Somehow I got through today. After taking S to school, I came home and slept - what I do when I'm depressed. But then I picked up s from school, took him to buy a new book, fed him dinner. Then he cried for 45 min. for me not to go and leave him with Grandma = who I know he adores. All my guilt strings were pulled - here's dad gone extra days this week, mom depressed and putting him in front of tv or with babysitters more than usual, and I worry about his little sense of security.
Had a fabulous night. We had a recording session for our play and I was the main character! It was nice to hear my voice played back and realize I do have a nice one! I also got some compliments and just felt generally proud of the work. My director said I should be a voice over actress - you have to go to school for it, but I do know people who make money at that! For the first time in a week, I felt happy.
Tomorrow I have to pull it together just a little more - day by day a little more - play with him a little more. It's so exhausting to have to be "up" wiht a little guy when I'm so down. I try to act and I love this idea, by the way! but I know children are sensitive and can feel. My mother was severely depressed my whole life and I worry that he is feeling the pain I felt as a child.
I am totally fine with thread hijacks as I read all your threads anyhow and I love the conversations! PLease don't stop.
And I love the acting idea. I'm going to have to do it now. Freckle, as always your posts are so inspiring to me.
What did you mean about the D papers not being the magic pill? I didn't quite understand that one.
I just want to say I don't know if I've expressed how I"ve been falling apart. I'm very dissapointed in myself but it's true. That is why i"m so worried about my little S5. I had to have my parents and my neighbor take care of him all day while I collapsed in my bed. Sunday I made it throught my job at the church, and to an Easter festival (in the rain! lol) so that S could have a special easter - but when H arrived to take S in the afternoon, I left and went to my neighbors and collapsed. I am not eating and I am just consumed by hopeless thoughts.
I didn't want to let you all down as you're rallying around me for support right now. I am still taking in all the advice and it's helping me survive. But I thought i'd be honest here so that you know how I really am.
That said, every day is a tiny bit better. I see my IC again on thursday - he helped me see that not only does it hurt to be dumped, it hurts to have been bullied and pounded on by my H for so long. It felt good to be validated.
Thank you all again and I hope I don't let you down. Resisting every urge not to call H but every minute feels like an hour.
Looking good while feeling miserable when in front of the kids, was a huge challenge for me as well. And I didnt do good at first. They saw me crying, depressed, fighting with my mom, etc etc... I sleep a lot when sad too, they would watch TV and I would sleep. I know it wasnt the best thing for them, but it WAS the best thing I was capable of under the circumstances...
Take care of yourself, you cant be of any good to your S if you are not OK, you are the priority now. Hugs K
Ohh and stay away from any contact with H. What could he say that would make you feel better in his current state of mind? Right now is the time for you to find the strength form within, not seek it from him. K
. There is a whole team out here thinking of you and rooting you on. I know it seems so counter-intuitive to be dark when you want to reach out to him, but I agree it's best and it will NOT hurt your hopes of potentially reconciling- it can only help, by letting things calm down, letting you gather your strength and giving him a big gaping hole of silence that will seem so out of character that he will start wondering and thinking...