You are all so wonderful and are keeping me afloat here as I struggle with pain..and trying to do the right thing.
I am still fighting. I do still love him. He is still coming to MC with me even though a couple weeks ago he said he was done. He also said he loved me. I don't know if he's done or not. I can't believe him anymore. What I do know is that if I don't polarize the conversation with my needs to reconsile, then he doesn't have the reaction to hold firm in the opposite opinion. If I leave him alone with both sides to ponder, maybe after many months, even years, he will return. I don't know.
yes, the silence will be a 180 - if I can do it. He's coming over thursday to be with S and I"m tempted to stay at my neighbor's again over night = worried this will confuse S and make him feel abandoned, but for H it would be a good 180.
Somehow I got through today. After taking S to school, I came home and slept - what I do when I'm depressed. But then I picked up s from school, took him to buy a new book, fed him dinner. Then he cried for 45 min. for me not to go and leave him with Grandma = who I know he adores. All my guilt strings were pulled - here's dad gone extra days this week, mom depressed and putting him in front of tv or with babysitters more than usual, and I worry about his little sense of security.
Had a fabulous night. We had a recording session for our play and I was the main character! It was nice to hear my voice played back and realize I do have a nice one! I also got some compliments and just felt generally proud of the work. My director said I should be a voice over actress - you have to go to school for it, but I do know people who make money at that! For the first time in a week, I felt happy.
Tomorrow I have to pull it together just a little more - day by day a little more - play with him a little more. It's so exhausting to have to be "up" wiht a little guy when I'm so down. I try to act and I love this idea, by the way! but I know children are sensitive and can feel. My mother was severely depressed my whole life and I worry that he is feeling the pain I felt as a child.
I am totally fine with thread hijacks as I read all your threads anyhow and I love the conversations! PLease don't stop.
And I love the acting idea. I'm going to have to do it now. Freckle, as always your posts are so inspiring to me.
What did you mean about the D papers not being the magic pill? I didn't quite understand that one.
